One night I met friends to have a nice, quiet cocktail and some good conversation. Instead we had too many cocktails, danced and flirted with all the cute boys we met. I made a game time decision at the end of the night to say goodnight to the ladies and left with the guy I was dancing with all night. Turns out Mr. Wonderful was an unemployed struggling musician who just got fired from his bartending job at a douchey night club. You’d think that would be enough for me to rethink this little venture, but no, I was a real glutton for punishment that night.
We got to his house, which was just a short walk from my favorite coffee shop (which happened to be around the corner from my office). Making small talk I noticed a few pictures of him holding a baby and I remarked on the baby’s cuteness, to which he replies that it is his, and he’s a month old. He then told me that his baby momma lives in Wisconsin, which is too bad because babies are great for picking up chicks. I was rendered speechless and then I noticed he was pulling out the futon in the living room. Taken aback I asked what he was doing. Turns out he sleeps in the living room here because he just moved in with his dad and he doesn’t have a bedroom. WTF? Who brings a girl home to the couch in their dad’s house? The look on my face no doubt betrayed my horror because he said, “No worries, my dad’s cool.” Then he gestured to his gigantic bong that was sitting on the coffee table.
In the morning Mr. Wonderful told me a hilarious story about how he was planning on going over to his ex-girlfriend’s place, but then he met me and I’m “way hotter than her” so he changed his game plan. I’m thinking this whole scenario can’t get any worse. And then it did. I asked for him to give me a lift home, but he said he couldn’t because he and his dad share a minivan and his dad took it to work very early this morning. He’d be home at 11am at which time Mr. Wonderful could drive me home. I didn’t really like this plan. For one thing, Mr. Wonderful’s dad had already seen me asleep on the couch, when he left for work. I didn’t want to have to make awkward and polite chit-chat with the dad when he got home from work. While I rethought my exit strategy, I asked what his dad does to work such odd hours.
Turns out that his dad is my favorite coffee shop guy. Serves me right.
I had just got out of a very long relationship and had literally never dated anyone other than my boyfriend. At a cookout, my mom’s friend kept talking to me about it and saying how her son just went through a similar situation and of course, in her mind, we were perfect for one another. With a lot of hesitation, I agreed to go on a blind date. Joe and I spoke on the phone a few times and finally date night had arrived. I had been at the pool all day with my friends and totally wanted to cancel, but knew I couldn’t. He called and was running super late, which annoyed me, but whatever. He lived a good distance away from me, but he was finally in my neighborhood. Our dinner date was about to begin… at 10:30 p.m. Seriously. I offered to just come down and meet him outside (my long-term ex had just moved out and the apt looked pretty pathetic with no furniture) and almost died when I saw his enormous truck. I literally had to climb up into it.
We head into Georgetown in D.C. and I could just tell we were never going find somewhere to park this thing. Sure enough, no luck. We headed back up town after almost an hour of driving around and finally stopped at a random dive bar. Of course their kitchen was already closed. We stayed and had a few drinks and the conversation seemed to be going well. We did have a lot in common, but I was just not attracted to him in the least. He was older and a little too country for me. I was starting to feel the alcohol considering I hadn’t eaten in hours, so we called it a night. I couldn’t take it any longer with how hungry I was so as soon as we got to my apartment I offered to drive to get food. Nothing was open so we went to the drive through of McDonald’s and took the food back to my place.
We sat on the floor eating McDonald’s while watching TV until he said it was late and he had a long drive. I walked him to the door and was not expecting him to try anything considering I gave no signals that I was wanting anything, so we hugged, but he went in for the kiss. I quickly turned my head which resulted in an awkward half kiss on the cheek type of thing and that was it. The next time he called me I had to break the news I’d met somebody else (lie). The worst part was his mom then emailed me too. Never again will I let a mother set me up!!
MVWD happened in my second week of university. I’d met a girl through our LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) organization who seemed nice enough and was quite pretty. We were in the same halls of residence and one evening she asked me to come up and watch a film with her. When I got up there she had some music on and asked me what I’d like to listen to. I was neutral and suggested something I figured she’d like based on what was already playing, to which she promptly ignored the idea and put on something else.
Then she asked me which film I would like to watch. Being a bit of a film snob (apart from my love of Mean Girls) I wasn’t impressed with the DVDs she had in her room, but it was fine, and we settled down to watch the least gross-out comedy-type of the bunch: White Chicks. That was when she started talking about “lovely” girl she’d met and slept with the other night, but this other woman had gone onto reject a relationship with her. This went on for a while with me nodding and trying to stay awake until she ended the diatribe with “but I think you’re really pretty.” Bored, looking for some action, and not wanting her to pile issues on me again, I kissed her.
So we were making out for a while and it was fine. She took off her top, but then when I went to actually touch her down there she jumped off me and burst into tears. It was then I found out she was in love with an American girl who she’d never met or heard the voice of on the internet. This is where the “date” should have ended. Unfortunately, I listened to her woes and tried to help her out, gave advice and all that for what felt like five-plus hours. She asked if I would stay over (bear in mind she was still topless here) so we spooned and went to sleep, but not before she made a jibe about how my fingers smelt of cigarettes.
The next morning as we left her block she saw someone she’d befriended and convinced me to kiss her right there. And I did. And then went back to my room feeling pretty used and pretty confused.
One night, a coworker of mine showed up in my office and flirted with me until I was finished with my shift and I ended up agreeing to go on a date with him. A couple days later, he showed up in my office just as I was about to get out of work. He told me he spent the whole day in bed being sick, but came because he “needed” to go on this date with me (which was totally unplanned). I was a little thrown off guard but agreed to go out with him. He had to run up to his office to grab something so I told him I’d just meet him in the lobby after I closed up. As I was waiting, he proceeded to walk past me without even acknowledging my existence, since another coworker happened to be waiting there as well. Although I was a tad pissed, I tried to understand since gossip spreads quickly in a small office. It took 15 minutes worth of cryptic phone calls to find one another.
We went to his place and without consulting me he called up a Chinese place. He got “the usual,” which ended up to be nasty mock duck with onions and noodles, all of which I hate. The whole time we ate, he asked me a lot of serious questions for a first date. For example, he wanted to know if I saw myself living in the state for a really long time because he was not moving any time soon. Right after I answered that I didn’t really know he looked at me and said, “Well, we could always travel a lot.” I was a bit freaked out so I decided to go outside for a smoke to try to think of how to get out of the situation. He followed me out and explained that I should probably quit the habit since it’s been proven to make it harder for women to get pregnant. I smoked another one out of spite.
He brought me a bottle of wine, as I was about to try to get out of this situation and begged me to watch a movie with him while he let his stomach settle. Being the nice person I am I accepted. About five minutes into the previews the sickness came back. He left for 20 minutes and came back with a handful of antacids. Then he proceeded to lay his head on my lap, sleeping through the movie as I drank the bottle myself. When the movie was over he was super upset that he missed it and that I already wanted to smoke again. When I went back in from smoking and cursing the bus system, he had passed out hard. I had no choice but to sleep on the very uncomfortable leather couch.
It was one of the most awkward mornings ever and I still see him almost every day.
I don’t mind eccentric guys, but A was extreme.
I met him at a party, and while I wasn’t extremely attracted to him, after ignoring three emails I felt bad and agreed to lunch. He was an intelligent guy, but as he was 5’4″ and socially awkward, his brains were about all he had going for him. I realized that this was especially when his oddities came out.
He couldn’t sit still in his chair. He told me that the only things he’s willing to eat, ever, are pizza and ice cream. When I mentioned that I liked traditional Russian dance, he immediately got out of his chair and began to do the barynya in the middle of the restaurant. He told me all about his romantic adventures with a “furry,” much past the point of too much information. Also anything I said, he could relate back to the Holocaust. This made things tense throughout the whole conversation. What do you say when someone twists your innocent comment into a Holocaust reference?
The final straw came when he completely out of the blue said, “Did you know that rape is technically defined as penetration of any orifice without permission?” Before I could respond, he reached across the table, stuck his finger up my nose, and said, “I just raped you!”
Eccentricity is one thing, but the gleeful nose-rape is another. I got through the rest of the date and insisted I could get home by myself on the metro. Of course, afterwards, he wouldn’t stop texting me. I finally told him it wasn’t going to work out. He texted back that he understood, which made me think maybe I was not the first girl to feel this way!
Last summer, my friend T asked me out on a date. We had slept together six months previously, and though it had been awkward I wanted to give him another chance. He asked me to meet him at the metro station near my house, saying he had “the whole date planned out,” but refusing to tell me what it was. I showed up in jeans, a tank top, and my new flower-print heels.
I asked him what we were doing, and he said we were going to the movies. While we waited in line for the movie (the sixth Harry Potter, which he picked without asking my opinion), he passed time by insulting my shoes, my hair, and my outfit. By the time we entered the theater, I was offended but decided to try to relax and enjoy the movie. The theater was packed, we were surrounded on all sides by families, including many kids.
Everything was going fine, until about 30 minutes into the movie when he grabbed my hand very suddenly and nervously. I thought he was trying to hold hands, but instead he shoved my hand down his pants! I wasn’t sure if it was Ron and Hermione that did it or me, but he was already quite excited. I pulled my hand away quickly, and started laughing. He scooted away from me and glared, continuing to glare for the next 20 minutes.
Then, his cell phone rang. He ran out of the theater, and came back five minutes later saying that his mom had called and he needed to go home, but I was free to stay and enjoy the movie (which was in a dodgy part of town and wouldn’t end until late at night). I said that I’d leave with him instead.
He refused to take the train back into the center of town, instead saying we’d split a cab and I’d get out first at my apartment. As we neared my place, he confessed that he had no cash and I’d have to pay for the whole taxi (including the 30 minute ride from my place to his). I threw some cash at him, disgusted, and went home. Awful!
As a junior in high school, I worked at a local fast food chain and they hired a new student to work the grill. I was one of the few girls to work the grill and we became friendly. I thought he was very cute–tall, blond hair, blues eyes and he drove a sports car that he fixed up himself. He went to a different high school than I did so I thought nothing of it when he asked if he could pick me up from school one day. I just figured that he had half day.
When he picked me up, he looked great but his car sounded terrible. It was so embarrassing that I actually waited until all of the buses left and most of the students were gone so no one would see me. He then proceeded to use the word, “dude” about a thousand times! Hello! I am a girl.
To make conversation, I decided to tell him about a great debate we had in my history class. When I finished, he looked at me like I was talking another language, switched the subject and proceeded to tell me how he skipped school that day, like he often did.
We were supposed to go bowling but I had a better idea. I knew that this was going nowhere fast so I suggested that he come into my house while I changed and speak to my mom. They spoke while I was changing. My mom and I then talked a bit about my class debate.
He looked at me, I looked at him and he told me that he was not feeling well and asked if he could take a raincheck. I told him that was fine and that was the last that I heard of them. My mom helped me to get out of a tight spot.
Sad thing is that he dropped out of high school.
I joined a dating site recently, got talking to a guy who admired my piercings and music taste. He had a picture up on his profile, but it was blurry and he had his chin up so I couldn’t really see his face properly. That should have sent alarm bells ringing, but I thought it was just because he was doing a Thrasher pose with a guitar. He texted me all day, asked to meet in a local shopping street, so I agreed (in public, daylight, etc). I put on a summer dress, heels, made sure I smelt nice (it was a real hot day) and went into town.
I wish I had never bothered.
I was waiting there, when this overweight (in the guy’s profile pics, he looked a lot slimmer), scruffy guy came lumbering up to me–not looking at my face but at my breasts (note: he did this constantly throughout our short time together). He came over to hug me and I swear that he smelt like a combination of shit and stale sweat. Seriously, this guy reeked and I nearly gagged. His shirt was also stained with God knows what. The worst part is, this guy stated on his profile that his match had to smell nice.
Not wanting to be rude, I suggested that we go to a park and sit on the bench. Big mistake. He put his hand on my leg and kept on asking about my nursing course (all while staring at my legs, then breasts). I moved away from him and put my arms by my side to buffer him, but he was persistent and rested his arm behind me. I decided there and then that this was enough, so I confronted him about his profile picture–turns out it was an old picture of him. I got up to go to the toilet and ring my friend to plan an escape. When I came back. Oh God, when I came back, he was sitting there. With an obvious hard-on.
I walked off and ignored his cries of asking me how to get back to the station (he didn’t know the area well), wishing for a shower.
I met M through a dating service. His description: tall, brown hair, loved the outdoors, enjoyed wine festivals, art, football and basketball, and enjoyed exercising. The person that walked through the door on the day of our did not match that description. He was tall but was completely bald and although he may have worked out in the past, it had to be at least five years prior. But I thought maybe he was a match personality-wise. Sadly, no. His version of loving the outdoors was four-wheeling and his hobbies included collecting and shooting machine guns.
He also lived with his parents. There’s nothing wrong with living with your parents when you’re growing up or even for a few years in your twenties. My experience has led me to believe that guys who live with their parents tend to expect the women in their lives to take over the role of mommy. Maybe there are ladies who dream of washing his clothing, making all their meals, and generally catering to his every desire but I am not one of them. The last straw for me was sadly none of these things. I have a dog I adore. I previously thought most guys would dig a chick with a dog, but this was not the case with M.
After he revealed that his careers included bail bondsman and proprietor of a liquor store, and talked in detail about his personal weapon arsenal, I told him I really had to get going as I had to go feed my dog. His response was that I should think about euthanizing my dog so that I could go out more. I sat there stunned until he chuckled and said it was just a joke and that I really needed to lighten up. I began to question the wisdom of ever dating another man again.
I’m not sure why I decided to go out with this guy again after he told me I had “man hands” on our first date (while he was holding them), then proceeded to mention that he “could keep both of his hands warm with one of mine” (I think he was trying to turn me on). We split an appetizer (instead of ordering dinner) while he flirted with the waitress all night. I decided to blow him off, but as as the week passed he wore down my resistance and I decided to give it another shot. The second date was far worse. I met up with him at a restaurant and he greeted me with “You’re late,” proceeded to order himself dinner and asked me if I wanted a drink (lucky me). He was wearing extremely tight white pants and a tight white shirt in January. He proceeded to tell me, with food falling out of his mouth, that I had something on my face and I should go check it out in the bathroom. I got up to leave and when I came back, found that he had drank my entire drink .
So we left and I said bye to my two friends that worked there and we were walking away and he said, “Oh man they are so cute. Don’t you just want to bring them with us?” So we got to the next bar and he ordered us both drinks, then started salsa dancing to rap music (we were the only ones dancing) and he kept lifting my “man”hands above his head and twirling beneath them like a ballerina. I went to grab something out of my purse and turned around to find him chugging another drink of mine. So I tried to figure out a way to get out of the rest of the evening and said, “Well I gotta meet up with my friends to dance,” but he insisted on tagging along. We got to our final destination and I asked him if he wanted anything. I bought two drinks, gave him one and set mine down and start talking to my friends while he continued to make a fool of himself on the dance floor. He drank his drink, started grinding on another girl and picked up my drink. Finally, I said, “Hey that’s mine!!” He stayed with the girl the rest of the evening and end up getting her number in front of me, so I finally snuck out .
The next day he texted me, “I’m sorry if you were offended by me hitting on that girl, but you seemed more interested in talking to your friends than dancing with me.” Fair enough.
