The World’s Worst Pick-Up Lines

About a week and a half ago at a local store: “When I saw you, I sensed big money!” Really! At first, I thought he was just a salesman, a foreigner who didn’t quite know how to complement customers with expensive taste. Nope! He followed that line up, trying to convince me that he “knew” I was going to win the lottery or something soon.

Last night at a bar, a man standing next to me leaned over and said, “So, do you read?”
I was speechless.

Is that a keg in your pants? Because I’d love to tap that ass!

When I was a teenager, some guy asked me, “Girl, you got any black in you, ‘cuz look at that booty!” I was so mortified.

I had a guy, mopping the floor at Arby’s, ask me if I’d hurt myself. I was like “what?” and he said “you know, falling from heaven?” really dude? you are MOPPING THE FLOOR AT ARBY’S!!!!

While at a brewpub in Greece with my mother and my (male) Aussie friend, an Albanian ex-pat who was at least 20 years my senior and sporting some kind of cowboy-Fabio-meets-Dracula* look offered Mom and me the two stools that he and his man-purse had been occupying. We accepted gratefully–it’d been a very long day of exploring–and figured that would be the end of it.

As the three of us enjoyed our first round of drinks, Count Fab-ula stood and stared at me (though I’m fairly certain he was not looking at my eyes). Then, he edged Jake out of our little triangle and affixed my mother and I with what I’m sure he thought was his most sexy and enticing gaze. He then began to shamelessly and tactlessly hit on both of us–me in my mid-twenties and mom in her late fifties.

The crowning moment was when he turned to me, after several minutes of creepy pick-up lines, and said, “You are young, you not know much about men. The mother not teach the daughter about the ways of the sex.” I just raised my eyebrows and began to turn back to the bar. He then said quite possibly the best thing anyone has ever said to me in a bar, in a delightfully Dracula-esque voice: “You look…..STRANGE.” As mom, Jake, and I all tried not to laugh, he followed with, “You are, you are….um….surprise I say these things. But I will teach you….”

At that point, Jake intervened and we finished our drinks in peace.

But Mom and I still turn to each other every once in a while and say, “You look……..STRANGE.”

*pale skin with an entirely unconvincing fake tan, long blond hair gelled and combed straight back in Lego-man style, tight jeans, huge belt buckle, fake leather boots, tight v-neck t-shirt, lots of black, popped collar on his long jacket, way too much jewelry, and possibly some eyeliner. Really, the man looked like what you would imagine Fabio would look like, if he were a straight-haired vampire with a thing for cowboy gear. Priceless.

“Wanna go halves on a baby?”

I was bored to death one day at a computer store waiting for my boyfriend to pick up some stuff he needed, so I decided to wander around the book section. Three swarthy Latino guys in their late twenties started looking at me and one approached- tugging a little girl (3 or 4 years old) by the arm.

He proceeded to gawk in the general direction of my chest and let out this little gem-
“Hey baby. I’m looking for a Mami for my baby. You’re almost as pretty as she is.”

emily: oddly enough, this happened to me during my days at working at Sonic

When I was 16, I visited friends in Stockholm. I don’t speak Swedish, but that didn’t stop a guy from asking me, via my friend’s translation, what my sign is. He and his friends were nice kids, it just added such a level of humor to the cliche pickup line to have it delivered to me by a teenage girl that we couldn’t take them seriously. Also, I don’t speak Swedish, you don’t speak English, but you’re worried about our astrological compatibility? Later, he and his equally awkward friends asked if we had telephones. We told him we didn’t. Ouch, they knew my friends were locals. In hindsight, it was pretty ballsy, and kind of cute of them to even talk to us, seeing as no one in Sweden talks to strangers without being hammered. Everyone else who hit on me on that trip was way older and completely smashed in broad daylight. Since I was a tall blonde and my Swedish friend was a shorter brunette, they would just walk up and start slurring at me in Swedish while I looked at her helplessly. I wonder how many of them asked me what my sign was.

Thanks for showing this.

I was at a club waiting in the end of a endless line to use the restroom. This guy came to me and said:
“The one I have at home is cleaner and you don`t have to wait in the line.”
I tought he was so odd… and I loved it!

At the local pub a guy came up to me talking the usual sweet talk. He then looked at my arms and said “I hear chicks with hairy arms go off in the sack”. Yeah I was mortified, they weren’t anywhere near man-ish, but needless to say I have waxed my arms ever since. Thanks for the complex douchebag!