The Jerk
We met online, chatted for about two months and then got together for drinks. That date went really well: we spent three hours talking, laughing and discovering we both had similar interests. But he moved two weeks later because of his job. He returned after six months and asked me out again, but he then stood me up. A week later he called and apologized, saying his dad had finally passed (he’d told me about his dad being sick when we first met) and he’d driven to Virginia so I was happy to set up another date. But he stood me up again. This time he said his job sent him to Pittsburgh.
I was done with it. He called for two weeks straight and begged me for another shot. I told him, fine. You show up, and if I’m home, I’ll go out with you. He showed up the next day and we decided on a great Italian winery and restaurant. The meal went well even though he harassed the waiter, who thankfully, had a sense of humor.
During the meal, he ordered a bottle of Lafite, which he drank by himself, while I stuck to my two champagne cocktails. When the check came he stared at it for a few minutes then slipped his credit card into the jacket. It was declined. He then asked me to pay.
Mind you, Lafite is about 300 dollars a bottle. My dinner was 70 bucks. I offered to pay for my meal, and even his, but not for his wine. He apologized, and after all that, took the money out of his wallet and paid in cash.
On the ride home, he took a pill bottle out of his arm rest and asked me to give him one. It was Viagra and it was empty. He asked me if I took it. Next thing I knew, he was taking off his pants. I grabbed the wheel and yelled at him. He agreed to get off the highway and resumed driving the car – while jerking off. We ended up across town and he was lost. We eventually passed my church so I pointed it out. He pulled into the church lot and repeatedly asked me to “do him.”
That was it. I pulled out the pepper spray and said, “I have a high tolerance for weirdness, but you are freaking me out. Take me home NOW or I will push you out and take myself home.”
He was still jerking off while I said all this.
When we got to my building’s parking lot, I had to ask why he didn’t just take me home to begin with – he probably would have ended up lucky.
“I didn’t want to park here because I didn’t want my car to get stolen by some homeboy,” he said.
I should point out right now that I am Black and he was White. The parking lot was full of Mercedes’, Cadillacs and BMWs.
“No offense,” I said. “But I highly doubt anyone wants your FORD TAURUS.”
I finally got out of the car, but halfway across the parking lot I heard him calling my name. I turned around to look and he was out of the car trying to chase me, with his pants down. I ran inside, picked up the security phone and held it so he could see it through the glass doors.
A few days later, he sent two dozen red roses and a hand-written card:
my apologies for being a drunkin fool
but i think you’re hot and hope it’s cool.
i’ve never spent 400 bucks
on a chick i didn’t f***.
you’ve got huge tits i still wanna see
wanna make it up to me?
What a douche.
Hard to imagine why he’s still single.
(Each to his own gout and all, but I’d honesty paid not to drink Lafite. Dry wine – bleh! Could just chew on bark or drop a teabag of Assam into a £5 bottle of Merlot.)
Oh…My…God…This is by far the best story on this site. I gave it a 5. Wow, that just blew me away. But I wouldn’t call him a jerk though. This guy was plain out of his mind. Not right in the head at all. But this made me laugh. Thanks, that made my day.
OK, you win. This has to be the worst date in the history of the world.
this is seriously THE worst date on this site. dude sounds DANGEROUS, not funny at all.
……..all the sudden i miss my lying cheating drug addicted exboyfriend. he was an asshole, but he wasn’t CRAZY.
You absolutely, hands down (haha), win!! Unbelieveable.
Why get in a car with a guy who had drunk a whole bottle of wine? Still a douche though.
That is the worst date I’ve ever heard of.
Lying, racism, sexual harassment. Geezus
OMG…there aren’t enough words to describe this guy. Would Fucktard be good enough??
eeewwwwwwww
Wow. Just…..wow. There are no words.
Your mistake was agreeing to go on a date with a guy who stood you up not once, but TWICE before.
It’s like Miss Landers said, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you better be prepared to pay for the meal then watch your date jerk off.”
The roses were a nice touch— the sure mark of a scoundrel.
Wait, so he drove after he had drunk an entire bottle of wine? And you got into the car with him? Please, don’t do this again.
But I have to agree with the other people about going out with him after he stood you up twice.
This dude is on the fucking moon. :/
This seems totally unbelievable & contrived.
Sorry but the guy stood you up twice, harassed the waiter during dinner, drank an entire bottle of wine, wanted you to pay for the expensive wine & his dinner, asked you to give him Viagra while he was driving (?), accused you of taking his last pill, jacked off in the car, almost wrecked the car, hurls racist remarks, then chases you down the street with his pants around his ankles? Really?
This sounds like a poorly constructed “My Very Worst Date” Mad Lib-style.
OMG OMG OMG OMG This is by far the Best of the Best of!!!!! You poor poor woman! I hope you can laugh about it now, because I sure am!
I cannot believe you got into the car with him after he drank a bottle of wine. Extremely stupid decision that could’ve cost you your life. However, the rest… all his creepy fault. I’m beyond disgusted at this story. I hope you’ve had better luck since then!
All right, this may be (is probably) fake, but it’s still hilarious.
actually, steph- this was an ACTUAL DATE- this is MY worst date- not the strangest date i’ve ever had, but definitely the worst. also, in editing for the site, some things that occured were taken out by the site admin. (see below)
i don’t blame anyone for questioning the validity of the date, because quite frankly, if i didn’t still have the card from the roses, i wouldn’t believe it actually happened either. but it did. the name of the restaurant was vaccarro’s trattoria. the church was arlington street church of god. the man’s name was thomas. and we live in ohio. the site we met on was aff (not sure if i can give out the entire name of the site, but i’m sure most of you are familiar with it.)
as for getting in the car with a drunken driver- full dumbass-ness admitted on my part.
as far as going out with someone who stood me up twice, what i told him was, i will not make any plans with you. if you show up at my apartment and i am home, and have nothing better to do, then i will go out with you. he showed up at 6 pm on a saturday, and not having anything else to do, i went to dinner with him.
as for the remainder of things left out of the story-
at the time he asked me to give him a viagara, we were already headed to his place in canton. he passed three exits to canton, and the car swerved into the left lane, which is what made me look over and see him taking his pants off. this is also why he ended up getting lost, and the point at which i realized he had FINISHED the bottle of wine he’d ordered. as we were on the expressway, i couldn’t tell him to pull over and switch so i could drive- which is why i grabbed the wheel when he swerved instead of saying, let me out right now. (to be fair, i could have gotten out later. but even the brightest light ain’t on all the time. call it a massive brain fart.)
when we got lost, we ended up in east akron, which is NOT a nice neighborhood. after leaving the church parking lot, he asked me if i wanted to go to the gorge, which is a woodland park in cuyahoga falls- it is closed and vacant after dark. when i said no, he THEN asked me to find another vacant lot to “do him” in. THAT was when i threatened him with pepper spray- and castration.
the neighborhood i live in now used to be a poor neighborhood, but has been revamped in the last decade. it is now middle class or so. so i don’t know if his comments were because it’s only about 40% white here or because of the past reputation of the neighborhood. he was unfamiliar with the city in general. so i do not know and can not say for sure that his comments were intended to be racist. (i’ve been out with a racist. to me, this didn’t really come close to some of the things i’ve had said to me).
the building i live in has a double glass door entry and the lobby is ceiling to floor windows. when i grabbed the security phone and held it up, he was halfway to the first door. this was in a PARKING LOT, not on a street. seeing me holding the phone up, he went back to his car, which was parked about ten feet away from the first door. so, no, he didn’t “chase me down the street with his pants down”, he chased me about five feet across a parking lot at night.
oh and duncan- i agree.
Haha… adultfriendfinder. Yeah this is not surprising at all now.
Best worst date ever. Holy crap. You deserve an award.
Worst. Date. EVER.
You SERIOUSLY need to submit this to the Psychotic Letters From Men blog. Weasel would have a FIELD DAY with it! Awesome story.
Why the hell did you let it go on that long? I would have forgotten about him the first time he stood me up.
That’s the sweetest poem ever.
Wow. Ok, “airica angel” your date is totally legit. I’m so sorry that I (and MarySophia) ever questioned the validity of your date. I truly thought that women had more sense than to engage in the date that you described but I have been proven wrong.
“sarcasm is like a second language to me.”
that being said- 1: i wasn’t singling you out. i didn’t see MarySophia’s comments- and this was posted a couple days before i checked my email and found it was up. i read it and was intending to clarify things that were left out regardless of your comments- or anyone elses.
2: since i wasn’t born with a crystal ball attached to my ass, i really couldn’t anticipate that a person who seemed normal during a first date and numerous long phone conversations would turn from dr jekyll to mr hyde after a bottle of wine.
3: since you don’t have a crystal ball attached to YOUR ass, either, you can’t anticipate another persons future behavior regardless of how much “sense” you think you have.
4. my handle is airica angel, so you are addressing airica angel. it isn’t necessary to use quotation marks. you aren’t quoting anything, nor are you representing anything that was spoken. i thought a sensible person would know how to use quotation marks properly- but, i have been proven wrong.
i guess we all make mistakes, don’t we?
careful on that high horse. it bucks.
T-A-X-I
Learn it. Use it. This date could have ended a lot earlier.
agreed Pers. lesson learned.
Airica Angel – after I wrote what I wrote, I thought that I may have been blaming the victim…I’m sorry if I made you feel that way in any manner. You were trying to be an adult, he was a bum. Good for you for putting distance between you and ignoring his ‘poetry’. Cheers my dear!
it’s cool Pers- i didn’t take it that way at all. you and others made a valid point that i should have picked up on at the time- namely, not getting in the car with a drunk driver. i have no problem admitting my ass was on my neck for that one, so yep, humbled and agreeing totally! so cheers returned and no hard feelings at all
“No offense,” I said. “But I highly doubt anyone wants your FORD TAURUS.”
Nice comeback.
Thanks for the fodder. Much appreciated.
Steph – your social skills are nearly as appalling as Taurus Wanker’s.
I seriously feel bad for you airica angel! I think we’ve all been in situations where all we can think is…WTF?! I know I am frequently shocked into silence and stunned passiveness at other people’s behaviour. It’s much easier to realize what you should have done after the fact than to try and formulate a plan while a drunken psycho is jerking himself off while driving down the highway. I would probably still be sitting in the car wide-eyed with my mouth hanging open! I wonder if the guy even had enough sense to realize just what an asshole he was. I’m guessing no.
Did his last name start with a ‘J’? I think I was stupid enough to date him when he lived in Denver (well, he lived in Pueblo, then bought a house in Denver)
ahh steph- i am happy to provide fodder for you. after living the life of a true meat-itarian, it’s only right that i should give you fodder. (look up the definition of fodder, and you will understand that bit of bovine humor.)
of course, you could have meant the second definition, which also puts a smile on my face, because i’m quite fond of art and do, in fact, paint… but then, i’m not quite sure how this would be considered an art supply.
or, you could mean it as in the third definition, which still doesn’t bother me, because, quite frankly, being called inferior by someone who can’t figure out the mechanics of quotation marks is like a kid with one arm making fun of a fat kid. sure, the fat kid is fat, but at least he can clap without assistance. sort of silly to look down on someone else when the most basic of functions eludes your ability, isn’t it?
although, of course, by THAT definition, i’m in high demand, which, let’s face it, is still pretty damn flattering. so i should really thank YOU steph, for giving me the opportunity to call you a cow, expose your ignorance, and find a rather obscure compliment that you didn’t intend to give me. you ROCK. seriously. “smurf yeah!”
okay, i’m done. but she makes it SO damn EASY…
nope, skipetit, his last name starts with an ‘r’, as far as i know, he lived in virginia, then ohio, then pennsylvania, then ohio again. but i am truly appalled that there could be another douche nozzle capable of such behavior. i’m going to light a candle for you. a nice warm sugar candle, which has the dual purpose of covering the smell of the fodder i fed steph. hehe.
Sometimes I worry about the future of our country, if that makes sense.
I know that you said this really happened…But I seriously doubt anyone can jack off while driving, let alone after drinking a bottle of wine. >>
Plenty of people can jack off while driving. Ask any truck drier – they see all kinds of stuff doing down, so to speak.
Sorry you had to suffer through such a horrifying date. My drunk date who asked for a blow job doesn’t sound nearly so bad now.
dear lord! ida sprayed him n got my own ride home
wow! like for real! are there such real bastard/retards out there? scary . though i know sometimes people can act very strangely i hope you are over it dear Girl.
too frigging funny…
i have a similar terrifying experience…
but i understand what u saying…
i didnt even think about the getting in the car with a drunk guy part till folks started mentioning it
cuz im thinking how weirded out you must have been so u werent thinking straight
Damn!!!
…WOW. I’m really speechless at that. Between the perversion, racism, cluelessness and general douchebaggery this was probably one of the worst ones I’ve read on this site.
GOOD LORD
thank goodness you’re okay, given the drunk driving and pervy behavior (and didn’t foot the bill). use that mace sooner next time!
also, sorry you have to face racism at all and try to shrug off comments regularly. online dating preferences to not date black or middle eastern (like me) really opened my eyes.
Can’t stop laughing
) What a douchebag!