Beach Bum
A friend of a friend asked me out for a Sunday night date. Two days later he called again to say that he had to move the date to Saturday night because the surf was going to be particularly good on Sunday and he didn’t want to get up early and then have to go on a date later in the evening. At 8:37pm on Saturday, he called to say that he was running late and that he would be there at 10pm. At 10:15pm he called to say that he was lost and despite the fact that there are only a few dozen websites that can map the most unambiguous directions from your house to a ship in the Caspian Sea, he was on the wrong street.
At 10:43pm, he called to say he was out front, but by this time I was over it. I said, “No thanks, it’s just too late.”
He apologized and pleaded to get a “quick bite” and apologized again. I went downstairs to the lobby of my apartment building, walked outside and saw a car parked in the front. I walked to the driver’s side window in the pouring rain like a hooker to make sure it was him (since he gave no indication) and for some unimaginable reason, I got in. He drove us to a cafe and after he got out of the car and opened his umbrella he started grabbing his crotch like bout of herpes was coming on. He walked about six feet ahead of me, which I appreciated because whatever was making him grab himself like that was likely contagious.
He had no intention of eating and just ordered tea (he said he drank 18 cups of green tea daily) even though the restaurant had a minimum. Knowing that I was from California and used to surf myself, he said that he never cared for female surfers, and that east coast surfers are much better than west coast surfers. I have never, ever walked out of a date before, but I was starving, growing increasingly frustrated and could see that the bagel shop across the street was open until midnight.
I looked at my date and said, “This is awkward but I’m having a terrible time, I’m starving and I want to go get a bagel across the street. Enjoy your meal and good luck to you!”
His mouth hung open in shock. While waiting for my bagel, I got a text message from the friend who set us up: “How was the date?!!!!”
