Show and Tell
It was a blind date – that was my first mistake. I’d been feeling a little down, recovering from a broken foot (and forced to wear a giant plastic brace on one leg) from a mountain-biking accident so it seemed like a good idea at the time. We’d talked on the phone and hit it off, so we decided to meet for drinks.
I arrived early and was enjoying a beer, while keeping an eye on the door. Across from me, a girl wandered in and sat at the other side of the bar. I could tell from her mannerisms that she was there to meet someone. I really hoped that wasn’t her. It couldn’t be. The girl I had talked to on the phone went on and on about how she loved to swim, loved to run, and how she tried to take care of herself. The girl eyeballing me from across the way was, well, fat. Not curvy, not voluptuous but fat. She outweighed me by at least 75 pounds.
I had mentioned on the phone to look for the guy in the leg brace. I headed to the men’s room, and thanks to my unmistakable accessory, found upon my return that my suspicions were correct. She had taken a seat next to me.
I switched to whiskey on the rocks.
She said that she was just glad to be going back to work on Monday. I asked why that was, and she told me it was because she’d been out sick for a while. Due to a brown recluse spider bite. At this point, she raised the very top of her sleeve to show me her upper arm – where a chunk of flesh about the size of a silver dollar had been surgically excised. “That’s what they had to cut off,” she said. “It would have been worse if I’d waited any longer.”
The conversation only went south from there.
I finally told her I had to get up early the next morning for work and she walked out with me. She then told me I should come over that weekend, and that we could hop in her hot tub together. I declined. Her last words to me? “I hope you change your mind, my mom can’t wait to meet you!”
*applause*
