Shadow Man

revenge_of_the_nerds_2

A few years ago, I went through an extremely nasty breakup. Several months later, I met a nice if nerdy guy around my age who also had a cheating ex. We got along really well. I now realize we were meant to be strictly friends, but I was in one of the most miserable periods of my life and not thinking clearly so I ate up his advances.

This led to my inviting him to my place after a few weeks of dating. My invitation was unambiguously an offer to come over and hit it, as the young people say. At first, he wasn’t sure he could make it due to his work schedule, but he later said yes, and that he would have to leave early as he had to work early in the morning. Fine. He showed up late and wanted to order pizza. Then, he wanted to watch a movie. Then, he insisted on putting together a music stand I had gotten for Christmas. After which, he wanted to hear me play the piano. I very impatiently declined.

Finally, we moved into my bedroom where he sat on my bed and babbled. At one point he asked me to turn on the ceiling projector on my clock radio whereupon he made a scissoring motion over it and said, “Look, I’m a wolf that eats time,” which was, in fact, an appropriate metaphor for the evening.I decided shortly after that I would have to just grab him and do it if it was ever going to happen. So I did. You might be surprised to hear it was mediocre at best.

When he was leaving, he insisted on leaving the remainder of his pizza there. I’m a vegetarian and while I don’t mind people eating meat in my house, I really don’t like them leaving it there. It was the dead of winter and my back door was blocked by snow drifts so I had no way to get to the dumpster. After that he sent me an email asking when we were going to “roll around in the bed again.” I was not charmed and had no more furniture to be assembled, nor six hours to kill on shadow puppets and bad cable, so I declined on all fronts.

December 24th, 2009 in Just Plain Pathetic, Mid-Courtship Disaster, Problematic Point of No Return

Comments (32)

ErinDecember 24th, 2009 at 12:16 pm

He seems kind of sweet if naive…I realize you had just had a nasty breakup but screwing some random(ish) guy and thinking it was his fault you didn’t like it is pretty lame.

EightballDecember 24th, 2009 at 12:54 pm

I’ve dated the socially inept, and yes, this is typical of how they behave. They really, truly haven’t a clue.

Frau BlucherDecember 24th, 2009 at 2:51 pm

it just goes to show you how our judgement can be impaired when we’re lonely and in a bad way. That is not the time to make decisions! he sounds like a dweeb for sure.

AshleeDecember 24th, 2009 at 3:10 pm

To me it just sounds like you used him.

MouseDecember 24th, 2009 at 8:18 pm

No way! When you pressured a guy who clearly didn’t want to have sex with you to have sex with you, it was mediocre? How could that be?
I agree with Ashlee. It sounds like this guy was kind of shy and awkward, and like he was trying to, you know, actually hang out with you.
The pizza thing is annoying. I’m a vegetarian, too, and, like you, I don’t care if other people eat meat around me; it’s a personal choice. What I don’t understand is why you have no problem with people eating meat in your house, but you have a problem with meat being in your house uneaten. Who cares? If it bothers you, toss it. You were actually so stuck in your house that there was no way for you to take the offending pizza out to the dumpster? You couldn’t go out the front door? You don’t have a shovel?
Judging by this story, this guy didn’t do anything wrong. You, however, come across as pushy, impatient, and self-important.

BenDecember 24th, 2009 at 10:56 pm

This is unambiguous: the submitter is a bitch

alijacketDecember 25th, 2009 at 1:27 am

So, this would actually be his worst date ever. I understand that you were in a bad place, but you USED him. Sadly, it looks like you haven’t realized this, even after having years to reflect on the matter. So, you’re really not much better than your cheating ex.

lmnopDecember 25th, 2009 at 7:51 pm

Now, now. Let’s calm down a minute. I completely disagree with the author and do actually think it was HIS worst date. She does seem to be completely unaware of how bad she behaved. Still, I do not think her behavior is worse than or equal to cheating. Cheating requires someone to betray and deceive their significant other, often resulting in great emotional pain. Wanting some guy to do it with you, who probably doesn’t want to move that fast but does it anyway, is insensitive, but I doubt he’ll be scarred for life. The guy went ahead with it anyway, so I doubt he had THAT much of a problem with it.

IliannaDecember 25th, 2009 at 10:33 pm

LAME. It’s all in that last paragraph. Doesn’t she realize that the date was the fault of BOTH of them? The guy was a dweeb, but honestly, no sympathy at all for this biatch.

EmDecember 26th, 2009 at 12:03 am

I have two problems with this story. While I agree that this was not the end of the world for this guy, let’s recap exactly what you did here. You dated someone for several weeks, then basically jumped him, and after having sex never called him again. I’m going to venture a guess that if someone did that to you, you’d be posting on here about what an asshole he was.
I also think its sort of silly to judge someone based on your first sexual experience with them. I mean this guy’s hesitance to sleep with you might have indicated that he was nervous, hence the sex not being so great. I’ve found in relationships that the sexual aspect of it get’s better over time, as you get to know each other’s likes and dislikes, so I think you can really miss out on a lot when you write someone off because their first performance wasn’t the greatest.

SophieDecember 26th, 2009 at 12:57 am

Can you imagine the outcry if a GUY wrote this post and expected sympathy? (I assume it was written by a woman and I think other readers do, too) “…I wanted to have sex instantly but she wanted to talk and get to know me better first and stuff…”. He probably wasn’t very experienced and got nervous.

I know a lot of geeky guys like this one and while I’ve never been hugely attracted to them, they usually make for the best, most hilarious conversation. I think this girl should’ve put the desperate, slightly pathetic primal urges aside for a night and just enjoyed hanging out. She could’ve made a good friend.

I’m vegetarian so I don’t like meat, but I think the pizza thing is very petty.

gewagDecember 26th, 2009 at 6:48 am

Oh no, your date helped you put together furniture, wanted to eat pizza and watch a movie then didn’t expect nookie? OH THE HORROR YOU POOR WOMAN YOU OH THE HUMANITY HOW CAN YOU COPE?! etc. etc.

You’re pathetic.

LisaDecember 26th, 2009 at 10:09 am

I’m hopelessly biased– from the moment I saw that photo of Louis, from Revenge of the Nerds, I read the story picturing HIM putting together the music stand and endearingly making shadows on the wall. Therefore, he seems like the ultimate dream date, to me.

MichelleDecember 26th, 2009 at 6:08 pm

Well, I’m a bitch as well. Date a guy for a few weeks, make it obvious you want to get laid, then he comes and wants to bum around your place and insist on putting together your belongings? I don’t like people that force their help on me. Socially inept people should stick together, if I have to spell out “put your penis in my vagina” or you don’t get it…And don’t say he didn’t want to have sex, he would have left. A woman can’t rape a man. Boys can say no, I don’t think he was a child being “used”

MouseDecember 27th, 2009 at 1:30 am

Michelle, I agree: you are a bitch. And yes, a woman can rape a man. There’s no indication that that’s what happened here, but, just so you know, it can happen.

DebDecember 27th, 2009 at 3:12 am

Mouse: THANK YOU! I’ve been waiting for someone to put this Michelle character in her place for ages.

SophieDecember 27th, 2009 at 5:20 am

Regardless of whether men can be raped or not, there’s no question here that the guy was pressured into having sex when he wasn’t really wanting to, and that’s very sleazy and gross. I also wonder why the woman in question felt she had to pressure some decent, awkward guy into sleeping with her when there’s probably a ton of men out there who would happily use her – in her vulnerable post-breakup state – for sex.

Michelle, why should a guy have to sleep with you just because you’ve made it obvious that you want to get laid? Why’s it all about what YOU want? Your attitude is bad. If ‘socially inept people should stick together’, then just leave them alone and don’t use them for sex.

MichelleDecember 27th, 2009 at 10:43 pm

Yeah, my point is, why did not leave? No, don’t use people for sex that don’t want it, but…Why did he do it then? And I’m sorry, I really didn’t think a woman could rape a man. Doesn’t he have to, ya know. What it? How does it work? Really??

LoDecember 28th, 2009 at 12:16 am

Physical reactions are not always caused by emotional reactions or want. For example, just because a woman orgasms during a rape? That doesn’t mean she really wanted it and so it wasn’t rape.

EightballDecember 28th, 2009 at 7:47 am

A woman can commit statutory rape (happens quite a bit…just read about it). The complicity of the victim does not alter the criminality of the act. That is coercion.

Women can also rape men through unwilling anal penetration of an object, the same way men rape other men, though not with the same…erm…object. Women aren’t the only ones who get slipped a mickey, then tied down and abused.

The third way is that a woman can coerce a man into sexual penetration when his penis is erect. As we all know, penises can be erect all on their own without any sexual intent or as a result of physical stimulation (ie, the man is held down by one or more women and forced into an erection…any male can tell you a penis often has a mind of its own and reacts to stimulation). He can also be blackmailed into sex with threats of destruction to his good name/career/reputation. This is also coercion. Kind of the same mentality as the female version of date rape.

Sorry I had to spell this out, but sometimes the posters here really do seem to miss the point entirely and need things explained.

JustinDecember 28th, 2009 at 9:17 am

tl;dr version: “I pressured a guy in to sex when he wasn’t ready for it, then never spoke to him again because he wasn’t very good. Pizza. Waaaahhh!”

MichelleDecember 28th, 2009 at 10:51 am

This is a different Michelle here… and I’ve got to say the other does not deserve the right to her name, as she is a bitch. I reclaim Michelle for all compassionate women to enjoy!

Men can be raped, a man doesn’t have to fuck you just because you want it, and maybe you should wait for the magic of you both wanting it before you start getting all grumpy. Sheesh.

The OP sounds like a selfish twat that probed a socially awkward guy into a situation he wasn’t comfortable in. What I’m trying to figure out is if she wanted sex with this guy, why didn’t she initiate sexual talks? Just fucking bring it up… you might find out that the guy in question just views you as a friend and doesn’t enjoy that chitty chat with you at all.

Yeah, some men have standards. Just like women do. IMAGINE THAT!

kissmymangoDecember 28th, 2009 at 12:45 pm

“A woman can’t rape a man. ”

Tell that the the thousands of male rape victims I’ve worked with over the past 15 years, sicko.

You are a disgusting, vile, rape-apologist. Do the world a favor and do not breed.

SophieDecember 28th, 2009 at 8:25 pm

Steady on, kissmymango. I understand your distress at Michell (#1)’s ignorance, and I know men who have been raped and I know it’s nothing to be dismissed lightly, but I don’t think she means her question about how a woman can rape a man to be offensive. I’ve even heard men wonder aloud about the technicalities of how a woman can rape a man. Maybe the differences between men and women’s bodies and sexual psychologies means that it’s difficult for some people to understand. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she didn’t mean to be a ‘rape apologist’ and she wasn’t being deliberately obtuse. Insults don’t overcome ignorance, so you won’t get anywhere in changing people’s attitudes if you call them things like ‘disgusting’ and ‘vile’. Just reason with them.

On a different note, some people think that ‘real men’ don’t reject sex. Maybe that’s how the guy in the story ended up being pressured into having sex with the woman. There’s a myth that a lot of women believe that if a man isn’t ‘ready to go’, so to speak, anytime you make it obvious that you want sex, then either you’re physically repellent to him or he’s secretly gay or something. Sounds like the OP and Michelle #1 have this narrow mindset.

MeshellDecember 29th, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Sophie – “Insults don’t overcome ignorance, so you won’t get anywhere in changing people’s attitudes if you call them things like ‘disgusting’ and ‘vile’. Just reason with them.”

Preach on! I have not put my Meshell status up to avoid confusion, but I gotta say… If only more intelligent people would pass their knowledge on with reason, consideration, and patience. Yeah, I know it’s hard as most people online aren’t logical, reasonable people, but if you take the “high road,” then you have a chance of changing the opinions of the more intelligent, misguided people. It’s hard to not let it get personal like KissMyMango did especially on such a sensitive subject, but if your goal is to change mindsets, you will find more results with reason than insults.

People forget that it’s natural to be defensive even when you know you are wrong. And it’s easier to latch onto your bad ideas when everyone around you harangues you for having a misguided opinion. But then people who have to get off their ethically/morally superior high-horses too.

RoxiDecember 29th, 2009 at 12:33 pm

Wow. Just…wow.

SophieDecember 29th, 2009 at 8:31 pm

Haha, I know my comment probably came off pretty preachy, although to be honest I know that I’ve left a few ‘you’re a cretin’-type comments on websites before! And I am definitely one of those who gets defensive even when I know I’m wrong, if I’m cornered. People are still people even online though. It’s depressing to read comment after comment that’s just insult after insult, like in this thread.

MerJanuary 4th, 2010 at 7:36 pm

To be fair, she DID say: “My invitation was unambiguously an offer to come over and hit it, as the young people say.”

AshleyJanuary 6th, 2010 at 6:39 pm

I can see his half of the story:

“I met this lady who appeared to be nice and was attracted to her, so I made a move. She seemed to appreciate it, and a few weeks later she invited me over to her house. Wanting to spend a bit of time together, I offered to put together her music stand and watch a movie. But all she seemed interested in was sex, so whatever. Then we ate pizza, and I decided to leave her with some to be polite.”

catsFebruary 6th, 2010 at 1:39 pm

Perhaps you should have been more clear about your intentions. He seemed like a decent guy who happened to be a bit lonely. You’re the bad date, not him!