Drive By
I was a cashier at a hardware store while in college and worked with lots of men, so I learned how to tune them out, and make friends with the least offensive types. There was this big brother type who operated a successful hot dog stand in the parking lot of the hardware store and he kept talking about how his nephew would find me attractive. Finally, I met the nephew, who was tall, tanned and so handsome it was unreal. He eventually asked me out and we went to a nice dinner at a restaurant adjacent to a mall near his hometown. We held hands and began a conversation about beauty and how mean people appear ugly after their personality is revealed. He agreed with me. He hung on every word I said and I felt great.
We ended up taking our conversation to a coffee shop with an outdoor patio and I couldn’t wait for that goodnight kiss. Suddenly, a car pulled into the parking lot of the coffee shop, tires screeching. We ignored it and went about our business of flirty talk and affectionate leg rubbing under the table. A short man in his twenties came out and called out my date’s name.
“Do I know you buddy?” asked my date. The guy came up to him, and although looked like he was going to punch him, he did something else. Something I wont ever forget.
The man’s fingers, in a scooping motion, smeared something on my date’s upper lip, milillieters from his nose and started running to his car, yelling, “I just ‘effed Stacy, this is what she smells like right now.”
He drove off, and my mouth was open, horrified. People on the patio were laughing and some were screaming “ewwww!” I know that what the short man put on my date’s lip was the real deal because my date looked like he was going to vomit. He used the closest napkin to him and he couldn’t bear to look at me except to mumble “Crazy ex girlfriend.” The experience was so traumatizing that I didn’t even think to ask how this guy knew where we’d be. I only knew we wouldnt have a goodnight kiss and I definitely didn’t want to catch a whiff of Stacy. He dropped me off without a word and when we saw each other at his uncle’s stand we would both look away embarrassed.



