WORST DATE IN AMERICA FINALIST: A Candlelit Valentine’s Day
Two years ago on Valentine’s Day, I wanted to do something extraordinarily special for my girlfriend. For the past couple of months I was really messing up, even when I didn’t intend to. It was like the big guy upstairs wanted to mess with me because he was bored. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do. I had a lot of different ideas and suggestions, but all of them seemed expected. I mean a girl can recieve so many flowers and chocolate. People say ,”You can’t go wrong with jewelry,” and my reply to those people is, “Oh yes, you definitely can,” especially if you have a natural talent of picking horrible gifts that you think are awesome. My friends always tell me that a blind person can choose a better gift than I could. So after days and days of thinking, I decided to re-create a scene from a drama show she liked to watch. Basically I needed to make a huge heart out of candles, somewhere special where me met, get her in the middle and tell her how much I loved her. It was completely cheesy and totally not me so I knew she would never expect it. She always said that she wanted to be romanced just like they do in the movies. I guessed this was my chance to make-up for all my incompetence from the previous months.
I had everything planned out. The event would be setup at the park near the trees and shrubs where we had our first date. I went online bought some candles, pre-ordered flowers and got all of our friends to help out. Two weeks had passed since I placed all my orders. It was the day before Valentine’s Day and I still hadn’t received the flowers or the candles. I called up the stores and they told me there was a mix-up and that my stuff would be delivered on the morning of Valentine’s Day. Being the gullible idiot that I am, I decided not to worry and went out drinking. The next day I woke up at 4pm and the group was meeting at 6pm to pull off the romantic gesture. I was still drunk and the candles and flowers were nowhere to be seen. I was now in Shitsville and was mayor of the city. I called up her friends and told them the situation and they said they would stall her as much as possible. With no time to spare, I sprayed a bottle of cologne on my clothes(from the night before) grabbed the car keys and floored it to the 99 Cent store. My drunk intuition told me I would be able to buy candles at bulk at the dollar store and for once in my life, I got lucky. Not only did I find candles, but a floral shop next to it with decent bouquets left. I took all the candles on the shelf and bolted. I got to the park and set up everything with 10 minutes to spare.
Shortly thereafter, the group arrived, and things were going according to plan. After a few drinks, I decided it was time for the suprise. I blindfolded my girlfriend while a buddy of mine lit the candles. While walking towards the lit-up heart her blindfold came off. I thought it was no biggie seeing the suprise on her face and continued to walk towards the heart. Suddenly, I felt a wave of nausea and it happened. I threw up on her. The puke cause her to stumble on the candles, which caused them to be tipped over and light the ground on fire. My romantic evening had become a flaming entrapment for my girlfriend. In the end the fire was put out, my girlfriend was unharmed except by being covered in my cocktail of beer and hot wings from the previous night, her new boots were ruined and I was taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. Unfortunately we are no longer together. I can’t imagine why?
