WORST DATE IN AMERICA FINALIST: Silent Night
He was gorgeous. I adored him for years. We actually dated when we were back in high school, but things didn’t work out because we were so young. So you could imagine my glee when I ran into him at a college party some odd years later. He asked me out to a movie and I was thrilled. I thought this is my moment. He seemed equally as enthused to go out with me. So we scheduled for the following Saturday evening. Even though we were only going to an $8 movie, I wanted to look my best. I wanted his tongue to be wagging on the floor. So, the day of our date I went shopping for a new outfit and spent the day in the salon getting not only my hair, but my makeup done as well. My heart was pounding as the clock ticked closer to 7 pm. I didn’t hear the doorbell ring but all of a sudden my dad was shouting from downstairs that my date was here (I still lived at home with my parents since I was in college).
When I flew down the stairs, he just had this blank look on his face. He didn’t even tell me I looked nice and I had spent a fortune getting ready for him. The car ride to the theater was silent. He purchased my ticket and didn’t ask me if I wanted anything to eat or drink. He did not hold my hand or even utter one word. He looked liked he was pained to be on the date with me. I felt as if I lost my mojo. Was he drunk when he asked me out? He seemed completely sober. I was beyond perplexed. The car ride back was just as mute. He didn’t even walk me to my door. I felt awful!
When I walked through my front door I saw my parents in the living room downstairs waiting for me and laughing. They asked how the date went. I said it was awful and that he was like a mime. My dad said that he knew why. Here’s the story: What I didn’t know is that I didn’t hear the bell ring when my date arrived because it didn’t ring. It turns out that my parents met for dinner at a restaurant earlier in the evening and took two cars. My dad arrived home earlier than my mom. His stomach was upset from what he ate so he immediately ran to the downstairs bathroom (which is directly next to the front door). He was “using the facilities ” when he heard a car pull up and footsteps coming towards the door. He assumed it was my mother and stood up from the toilet wearing no pants and opened the door with his ding-a-ling hanging out and the bathroom door opened and stinking and said, “Hold on I’m taking a shit!” My date looked at my father in disbelief. This definitely explained his behavior for the night and I could then rest easy knowing that I hadn’t lost my mojo after all.
