WORST DATE IN AMERICA FINALIST: Here Comes Santa
I was chatting with this guy online and found him intelligent and charming, so I accepted his offer for a date. He asked me to meet him at this really nice but kinda pricey French café. When I arrived in my car, I slowed down to look for parking and heard someone calling my name. A guy I didn’t recognize ran up to my car in the middle of traffic and introducced himself as my date. He looked nothing like his online photo, which must have been a decade old. He was bald with big glasses, a giant belly, and he had a huge, poofy, greying beard. It’s a young, Jewish Santa, I thought. He jumped into my car and told me to drive up the street to House of Pies, one of the worst diners in Los Angeles. I asked him if he was kidding. He was not.
We sat down and he ordered a spaghetti dinner. “You’ll have to tell me if I get sauce in my beard,” he said. I still couldn’t tell if he was kidding, but when his food arrived he proceeded to shovel it into his mouth like it was his last meal, splashing sauce everywhere. He kept grinning and telling me how awesome I was, but it seemed like he was making fun of me. Then he asked me for a ride home. I was curious, so when he asked me if I wanted to check out his comics collection I followed him inside. As soon as he closed the door, he pushed me up against his pool table and started making out with me. He was breathing heavily and his enormous beard kept getting in my mouth and sticking to my lips. It wasn’t long before he started wheezing uncontrollably. “Do you want some water?” I asked. “Wait, wait, hold on a second,” he said, out of breath. He whipped an asthma inhaler out of his pocket and took a few hits off it.
When his breathing returned to normal, he took his dick out of his pants and proudly placed it in my hand, as if he was giving me a present. It seemed tiny underneath his big, round, white belly. I didn’t have time to protest because he immediately came all over me. He then thanked me, plopped down on the couch and fell asleep. Bewildered, I washed my hands and then showed myself the door, wondering if this crazy date had all really just happened.
