Dying to Get Out
About 10 years ago, a man started pursuing me very insistently. He kept asking me over for dinner so I decided to keep it early and ride the city bus as an excuse to flee at 9pm. Dinner was plain hamburger patties, mashed potatoes and cold pork and beans. After a couple glasses of wine, he took off his hat for the first time ever and I was horrified to see he very closely resembled the actor Divine without his makeup. I kept making excuses to leave to catch the bus home, but was rather intoxicated and he somehow managed to delay me (while pawing at me and me pushing him off a couple times) until the bus no longer ran after 9pm. What happened next scarred me for life. He called his friend to give me a ride, who turned up in the local coroner’s van. Turns out they both worked for the county coroner. Then I had to watch in disbelief while they did a prank phone call on my friend pretending to be the Jerry Springer Show, after which they told me how to embalm a body. I was trying not to panic, asking to go home repeatedly, so they told me to get in the van. He and his friend took the front seats and told me to sit on one of two empty morgue stretchers in the back. I finally made it home, but I avoided him like the black death from then on.
