Man’s Best Friend
I was set up with “John,” a hockey teammate of a friend. All my pal knew was that John was cute and single. What he didn’t know was that John had an obsession with his dog. The first time I went over to John’s the dog ran up and peed on my sandaled feet. Trying to play it cool (and not punt the cocker spaniel across the room) I just said “oopsies” and grabbed a paper towel. I had no idea the dog was sending the message that I was on her turf. I went out with John a couple of times. One night, I arrived at John’s place after work, starving and ready for a relaxing evening. We turned on the TV and basically tucked the dog in for the evening before leaving. As we sat down to dinner he told me he ate a late lunch so he wasn’t going to eat, but I could get something. Awesome! I love being the only person at the table eating. He did offer to take me to the store so I could buy cereal or something. Tempting but I decided to eat there.
After picking at my appetizer and suffering through stimulating conversation including how he would make a great husband because he just likes to stay home and smoke pot or how he has to check with his mom before deciding weekend plans, I for some reason asked what adventure was next for the evening. He said he wanted to take me to a movie, but wasn’t sure if he could leave his baby home alone that long. Trying to be sensitive and not say, “IT’S A DOG – IT WILL BE FINE!!!” I suggested we watch a movie at his place. While watching the movie, the dog wedged itself between us on the couch but we somehow ended up making out and decided to move it to the other room. As I entered the bedroom, I turned around and John was completely naked holding a condom. I was completely clothed and frankly, stunned he could move that fast. Luckily, one of my greatest strengths seems to be killing the mood so after I told him we were not “there yet” we ended up just lying on the bed watching TV, me fully clothed, him totally naked. Enter the dog.
The dog jumped up on the bed and started licking John’s junk! The dog went straight for it and John did not move – like that was the most normal thing in the world. I sat there in disbelief and nothing changed until I screamed. His response was “oh yeah” as he scooted the dog away. I decided it was time for me to leave – forever. I got up and hit the road and the last thing I heard from him was “Don’t I get a hug?”