Easy, Tiger
My second year in university I was single, but shy, so I took to meeting guys online. One day I started chatting with a seemingly nice guy, who was a personal trainer and attending college for police foundations. He was cute and fun, so I agreed to a date. He suggested grabbing dinner and movie. For dinner he took us to Tim Hortons, which fellow Canadians know is the largest coffee chain in our nation, and might be the cheapest food around. I am not one to judge someone for being on a budget, but we were downtown, with a plethora of alternative cheap tasty options. In the coffee shop he whipped out a container of cottage cheese and chicken and explained that I could go grab whatever I would like, but he was on a special diet for his training and only eats cottage cheese and chicken every three hours. Again, I just tried not to judge.
We were walking distance from two theatres and a quick subway ride away from a couple other theatres, but he would only go to his favorite movie theatre, which he had been to once, many years ago. This movie theatre in particular was about 45 minutes from my apartment by car. He drove and it took us over an hour and half to get there, as he repeatedly got lost and went on rants about what a “hellhole” this particular area was. By the time we arrived, the only movie playing was the weirdest damn remake of Beowulf I have ever seen, complete with Southern accents and weird sex scenes. At this point in the date it was late, I was tired and unimpressed and wanted to go home. When heading home he asked if I liked trance music and I politely explained that it wasn’t really my scene.
My date promptly said, “That is just because you have never really experienced it. Let me show you how.”
I protested, but he continued to drive me to an abandoned parking lot, pumped the music on full blast and told me to close my eyes and let it wash over me. At this point I was praying that he wasn’t a serial killer who had taken me to said abandoned parking lot to butcher me. Out of nowhere he then explained that he was a tiger lover, in that he was obsessed with tigers and considered them a spiritual manifestation of his soul. He pointed out all the hidden tiger paraphernalia in his car and whipped out his camera to show me pictures of his tiger bed spread, pillows and closet full of tiger plushes. He asked me if I too felt that I might be a tiger? I said no and asked again to go home since I was now quite freaked out. He said he would take me home, but only if I would let “the tiger nibble.” He proceeded to chew on my arm, as a tiger, while the music “washed over” us. At this point I had decided that I was more than okay with judging him as damn weird and creepy.
When I finally got dropped off at home he told me that he had a present for me. He gifted me what was clearly a used children’s stuffed animal complete with sticky stains all over it. Oddly enough it wasn’t a tiger, but an odd looking caterpillar. He told me he hoped I would use to keep warm at night and think of him. After that date I decided it was safer to just buck up and start meeting guys in person.
