Date Night
He was the love of my life. When Pirates of the Caribbean finally arrived in theaters he took me out on a date even though he was my boyfriend for almost three years. I didn’t know that he had snuck in a bottle of rum until he offered me a swig, which I declined because rum makes me queasy. Twenty minutes into the movie (and the entire bottle of rum gone) he was beyond drunk and screaming “Arrrrggghhhh!” each time Johnny Depp came on screen. Fortunately for the few patrons who were in the theater, he stopped quickly (and unfortunately) started throwing up in the aisle. Humiliated, I dragged him out of the theater, but we didn’t get past the front walkway where he started throwing up again. The usher managed to catch up with us and started yelling at us about the condition of his floor and he only left after I burst into tears and sobbed an apology.
My boyfriend, covered in vomit, then passed out on a bus bench and started to drool all over himself. Completely disgusted, I start debating if I should abandon him and walk home alone when a homeless guy started throwing trash at us because we were occupying his bed. I literally dragged my comatose boyfriend a block before the guy left me alone. Eventually I woke him up by slapping him repeatedly (hard I might add), broke up with him, and stormed off. He stumbled after me the entire walk back home begging me to forgive him. I got him home and into bed and as soon as he fell asleep I got to work. I took all of his clean underwear, submerged it into bowls of water, and threw them into the freezer. I then set every alarm I could find: the oven timer, the microwave timer, the clock, the tv and his cell phone to go off at different times in the middle of the night. I also deleted my number from his phone and took my apartment key off his ring. I finished by writing in a Sharpie on his face a number of profanities and “It’s over, don’t contact me ever again” on his chest.
I forgave him the next morning when he showed up on my door holding a huge bouquet of flowers. I figured that a guy who went through everything he did last night and begged for forgiveness while he was that hung over, actually deserved to be forgiven. But then the next month he did the same thing at a party so I dumped him for the last time. Alcoholics never learn.
