Somebody Call 911

Gee, Officer Krupke… krup you!.

@Lisa LMAO You beat me to it!

Terrible date. I know that the NYC subways get a little sketchy at night, but I would have braved it to get away from that loser.

As usual, Lisa, nice work. I actually laughed out loud or “lol’d” as the kids say.

Should have taken pictures of him rubbing the nightstick. You were broke and living in an expensive part of the city. You could have blackmailed him till you found a job.

That story made no sense. Who was V? The protagonist kept changing tittles. How about a little proof reading next time?

V is the roommate you should go back and reread the story.

Craig- quit ragging on the admins, V is the roommate that set her up with Officer Loser

This was the best MVWD I’ve read in a while. So terribly amazing in every way. I still cannot believe he had the balls (har har) to call her the next day.

I like the irony of “…changing tittles” in a complaint about proof reading.

I read it as “changing titties,” which is even better. Or worse, depending on whose titties. Or tittles.

Craig: The story made perfect sense. It must be you.

Its always so nice to run into a young man that just does not understand whipping it out does not fill us with lust, and send us diving onto it like it’s a soda exploding and we have to stop it with out mouths.

Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis
Isn’t it frightfully good to have a dong
It’s swell to have a stiffy
It’s divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world’s biggest prick
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork, your wife’s best friend
Your Percy, or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock
But don’t take it out in public
Or they will stick you in the dock
And you won’t come about

was it at least adult size?

I’m still trying to figure out why OP didn’t go out to party with enough money to get herself home…am I missing something?

um, this was more of a sexual assault than a “bad date”

also, nice work blaming the victim, faith. you’re a super winner.

this guy gives all men a bad name and an absolutely unattainable standard, 37 seconds, the bastard

Holy cow. Whacking it in front of you on a first date, whaaaat? I would have jumped out of the car about 3 seconds into it, never mind 37… That is a truly bad date!

It is pretty hilarious that the OP just kept sitting there! 37 seconds may be fast for the guy, but right now turn on a stopwatch, then picture the person sitting next to you jerking off. Take maybe 5 or 10 seconds to realize that sometime that crazy is happening, then maybe 7 seconds to go “Holy crap! What are you doing?!” Leaving 20 full seconds of not leaving when she should have and sitting there awkwardly. You could have a full conversation in that time.

blondie – agreed. time is certainly relative when there’s a weirdo jerking it next to you.

Pulled your head toward his dick and then jerked off in front of you when you refused? Do you want this guy investigating a sexual assault or rape? I’m sorry, but you have a responsibility to report his behavior to his superiors and/or the internal affairs department. He has no business being in a position of power over a woman who has just suffered a sexual assault, since he clearly doesn’t know what it is and seems willing to commit it himself.

Do the right thing and make some phone calls. He may slander you and try to degrade you further, but you owe it to other women to make this behavior known.

I probably would have taken off my shoe and whacked him in the crotch when he first got ‘it’ out.

This is the funniest, sickest story I’ve seen on here.
It’s great that she stuck around for the show. He must of loved that – within ‘spitting’ distance of his fantasy! That’s a once in a lifetime opportunity!

It sounds like Officer Krupke had a great time. Why wouldn’t he call back for more?

I found this very entertaining to read “Next thing I know he was “servicing himself” and saying how beautiful I was…” — That’s so funny, but I can imagine how awkward you felt at the moment! LOL

Craig, do you even know what “protagonist” means? The protagonist in this story is the narrator, who did not change ‘tittles” (or titles, even) at all. Why don’t you work on mastering your reading comprehension and vocabulary first, then you can move on to literary criticism.

As for the actual story…. WTF? Who the hell just whips it out on the first date in front of someone who is clearly not interested? I think I would be probably be just as shocked and sitting there in horror too.

I’m surprised that no one asked about the ten bucks that the “normal” cop gave you.

A Good Samaritan’s act of charity? A loan? Is there some sort of special Bad Date Taxi Allowance, courtesy of the City of New York? (Hey! I want my ten dollars!)

Ok 2 things. If I take the OP at face value that she wasn’t interested fine. Un wanted exposure and activites an not pleasant. Some of what she describes is possibly a crime. I have a question. Can you be in a fastened seat belt and have your head pulled down to the driver’s seat ending up with your face in his crotch? Thoughts?

That said bad date. Anyone going on a date should ALWAYS have money or a way to get home that is their responsibility.

FYI as an NYC resident of 23 years. I would take NYC transit any day or night. This situation sounds much riskier.

I was a bit confused about V as well, because at first she seems to be a girl (“she” recommended this guy) and then V sounds male (“V had left with his friend.”) Unless V is a girl who took off with Officer K’s friend…but it didn’t say anything about Officer K. bringing a friend or it being a double date until that point. Not that it matters. But I think that’s what Craig might have meant. Also…pretty sure Officer Krupke was not an Italian character. Again, not that it matters. Ridiculous date, what a creep.

This guy should make a great cop – Shoot first, ask questions later!

He took.

It out.

@DS – some old cars don’t have the shoulder belt, just the lap, so this might have been a way-back-when story; alternatively, if you’re in a stopped car, there is a fair amount of give on those seatbelts, they usually pull out pretty far. Those of you who are about to make pulling out jokes, congrats on being twelve:)

Totally agree with Faith and Blondie. It’s not victim blaming, it’s common sense. You have to protect yourself when you go out (all the time), meaning have a secure ride home (even if that means having enough money to get home) and not standing idly by while your date jerks off.

This story kind of wreaks of shenanigans.

Dangit Lisa, you stole my line!

Ella May, I read it as V left with Officer Krups friend.

LMAO at Kandyjo!!!! Was thinking the same thing! This was a really good one, I wish more bad dates were as entertaining as this one.

I never understood why people live in cities they dont feel safe in.

OPs should be here to answer questions. How long does it take for a submission to be published?

@gtruck: we alert people via email when their story is published, but sometimes that can take months since we post in the order that the stories are received. It is their choice to respond in the comment field or not.

Lordy. Do you need an extra admin? I read fast. Haha. Thanks for answering.

This is not a funny story(although it’s told well…), it’s sexual harassment if not assault

What a dirty son of a b

I’m super late, but I just want to say that I live in Brooklyn and riding the subway at night isn’t dangerous…and if you’re too scared to do it you should bring cab fare, especially if you’re going out with people you don’t know! I’m not blaming the victim here — she didn’t do anything to deserve this assault. But she also wasn’t very smart and we should all be better at protecting ourselves.

Holy Freakshow! I imagine I would have been paralyzed with disbelief for about three seconds, then I would have opened the car door and run into traffic. Damn. This wins first prize for nasty date story.