One “Cool” Dude

I had signed up for an online dating site for laughs, but found a few normal guys were sending me e-mails. One guy seemed normal (isn’t that how these all start), and he was very patient and polite when sending me e-mails.  He hadn’t lived here long, would like to take things slow, and wanted to meet for coffee at the place of my choosing.  After actually agreeing to give him my number, we spoke for two weeks before I felt we should meet in person.

I arrived a bit early, ordered a coffee, and waited.  W arrived, introduced himself, and we started a pretty normal conversation.

Toward the end is when it veered into slightly weird territory.  ”What shoes are you wearing?” W asked.

“Uh, just my normal black heels” I said, holding out my foot for him to see.

“Very pretty.”

I knew what was probably hiding behind that comment, but I wasn’t going to dig any deeper. Things seemed fine, but I wasn’t sure if there were sparks or not. I wasn’t ruling them out, but it wasn’t easy to tell what he was thinking.

I had snagged a spot right outside, so I told him I’d take him to his car a few blocks over.  When we got there, I was suprised that he leaned in for a kiss, since nothing in our conversation had really been flirtatious.  I responded, and we exchanged a bit of affection back and forth.

Then he said, “Why don’t you come over?”

“No, thank you.”

“You can have the bed,” he said.

“What???”  I was really confused because: 1) I didn’t know how a few kisses suddenly gave him an opening to have
me sleep with him, and 2) I could “have the bed”??? huh???

“I don’t want you thinking I”m trying to sleep with you. I don’t want to sleep with anyone for a while. It’s just my thing right now. But I really want you near me. You can stay over this weekend, and you can have the bed.”

“Uh, thanks, but that’s not something I’m even going to consider. You are still a complete stranger”.

He really seemed truly hurt, as though we were close close friends and he was never going to see me again.  Truth was, he probably wasn’t going to see me again.

“If you change your mind, you are welcome, I’ll give you directions…” and he proceeded to give me exact directions to his
home. Then he just sat in my passenger seat.

“Well, thanks for the meet up. Drive safe,” I said.  He didn’t move.

“I really should go. I’m going to meet a friend for dinner…” I said. Not a lie.

He leaned in for obviously another round of kissing, but I leaned back and just smiled at him.  ”Thanks. Drive safe.”

“You have the most amazing lips. I just don’t want to be away from them. I want you near me.  We can just hang out.” His pleading went from semi-lustful, to sentimental and back. And he seemed to actually be real about it. It didn’t seem like an act, but there was no way I was interested either way. He really needed to figure out what he wanted.

He FINALLY got the hint and got out of my car, but then he motioned me to roll the window down.  ”Goodbye, Lovely. It was an amazing experience. I will be seeing you soon.”

“Thanks. Have a good night” I said.

He left me with a “Later, dude.”

More than a week went by before I got a text from him.  ”Yo, hay, wuts up. its *W*. just sayin heeeey.”

Oookay.  I am fond of proper grammar whenever possible, and this also wasn’t at all like any of the messages or letters he’d sent me before.  I responded saying I was fine, and left it at that.

A few nights later, I got a phone call from W. “Hi. Hooowwwww arerrrrrr youuuu?”  He was obviously drunk.

I’m usually the oracle of dating wisdom for all my friends, and I’ve repeatedly said “Do NOT take drunk calls from guys.” Did I listen to my own advice? NO.

“I just wanted to hear your voice. How are youuuu? I really miss you.”

“I’m fine, you’re drunk, and I’m going to go.”

“PLEASE don’t go. I need a friend”

“What do you want?”

“I smell like Lime Coolada”.

“Uh, what?”

He proceeded to ramble on about how lonely he was here, and how he should never have moved here. I just sat there saying things like “uh huh” and “okay” every once in a while. WHY I stayed on the phone, I do NOT know. I could have saved myself the next part.

“What kind of nail polish do you have on?” W asked.

“What?”

“What kind of nail polish do you have on? What color?”

“It’s just pink nail polish.”

“Good. Never wear red. Red means you’re Tim’s girl. NEVER wear red.”

“Oookay then.”

“Tim is the one who stole Maria. I went away for a year, and he stole her.”

Great, a guy who drunk dials me to cry about his ex.

“I mean, I broke up with her, but I really loved her. I was gone, and she met him, and when I came back, they were engaged and living together, and she was wearing RED nail polish on her toes. That means she was his girl now.  I told her I’d take her back, and she still wants to marry him. SERIOUSLY”.

“I’m going to go now.”

“Would you PLEASE come over here. I won’t do anything to you. I’m not even interested in you anyway, you are way too white and aren’t the least bit Mexican looking. THOSE are the hot girls. And you’re too meaty. I have NO interest in you. We could just make out. But only if you’ll wear high heels. I won’t make out with a girl who isn’t wearing high heels. Might as well make out with a lesbian. It’s gross.”

(Note that he saw multiple pictures of me before meeting me, so he knew I was a size 14 white girl. And yeah…I didn’t “look Mexican.”)

“Gee, thanks. On that note, I’m going to hang up.”

“Whyyyyy?”

“Because you are drunk and rude. Do not call me again”.

“Come over. I smell like Coooooolada!!! Lime Cooooolada!!!! Please please please!!!”

“Goodbye” I hung up.

I never personally spoke to W again, but over the course of the next month, I got numerous texts and calls, all referencing “Lime Coolada,” and all obviously written while drunk.

“Hey, it’s W. I’m sitting at home drinking by myself all weekend. I’m lonely. I could use a friend. I smell delicious…like LIME COOOOLADA!!! HAHAHAHA. Call me back.”

Text: Smell like Lime Coolada right now. Smells so good. If you want to hang, I could use ‘my’ friend  (yeah, it went from “a friend” to “my friend” at some point)

“Heeeeyyy, it’s W. I’m scared you may have lost my number, so I’m just checking. You wanna come see my place yet? I could use my friend today. Call me. I smell like Lime cooooolada. You could smell me, if you want.”