Block Party Blockhead
I met a girl through some friends a few years ago. We exchanged texts for a bit, but then lost contact. Some time later, she found me on Facebook and we started talking again. She was cute from what I remembered, and started talking about finally meeting up. She sort of put off an awkward vibe, so I kept finding reasons and excuses not to hang out. I couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was, but something seemed off and a bit odd. But finally, after three canceled dates, I finally decided to just go for it.
It was a Saturday night, right before race season started, so it was pretty nice out. My neighbor down the street was having a party and playing horseshoes, so I’d told her we’d stop by before getting on with the date. My date and I met in the parking lot of the shop. After getting out of my car and locking it, I opened the door to her car – and, to my horror and dismay, I saw this hideous, scary looking monster. This was NOT how I remembered this girl, nor did it look like the pictures she’d sent me. She had gotten braces, gained a good 40 pounds, and was wearing clothes that didn’t showcase her very well at all. She looked like she was still trying to wear her clothes from years before. Anyway, despite all this, I still decided to play out the date and go with it. After all, she had said she’d wanted to go out on a date with me for years, so it was her treat – and I’m NEVER one to turn down a free meal!
So we went down the street to my friend’s house, which was only two houses down. As soon as we pulled up she immediately asked “How long are we staying here? When are we gonna be f&^%£ng leaving?” That was STRIKE 1. She was anti-social the whole five minutes we were there, wouldn’t say hi to anyone and was just straight up rude. STRIKE 2. Due to her disrespectful nature to my friends we stayed a whole five minutes.
As soon as we got back in the car she said, “Good, now I’ve got you alone!” with some type of weird, Dr. Evil type laugh. STRIKE 3. I told her that I forgot something in my car and we needed to go back and get it (This was my chance to bail!), but she said “I got it, don’t worry I’ll take care of ya.” Damn, there went my shot. So we went to a huge block party off Brookside – I mean people EVERYWHERE! As soon as we parked and were walking in, I saw a bunch of my friends from town and said hi. Its not like I went out of my way to carry on a long conversation, we were standing in line and being casual. So I introduced my date, and she immediately turned into a huge “B-Word,” being rude, hateful, and giving their girlfriends the stink eye. STRIKE 4.
I knew this was going to be an ordeal and a disaster. So as we walked around I spotted a few more friends and this time I DID go out of my way to say hi and carry on a long conversation. She was pissed the whole time, which was great because it meant my plan to make her mad and leave me seemed to be working. But she spotted a few friends and tried literally dragging me over to say hi, but I did the quick “Hi-Bye” routine and said I needed to use the bathroom.
The line to the bathroom was wicked long. When I finally got done I could still spot her a little ways away, so I snuck around the large mass of people and went back to my friends. I even took my over shirt off and was rockin’ a black wife beater (trashy for Brookside yes I know, but desperate times call for desperate measures!). But after 20 or so minutes she managed to find me. WTF! She’s like a heat seeking missile, I can’t lose her! I’d lost count of strikes by this point.
I was unable to pull the “Lose her in line trick” after that because she started grabbing my shirt when we were walking through the crowds and even followed me to the bathroom…so creepy! I even tried the “Hang out right here and reserve our spot so we can have a good place when the band plays while I go get drinks” line but that didn’t work either. She said she was “afraid she’d lose me in line again and she was scared.” WTF lady, you’re 24 years old!
After realizing that this was the type of date horror movies are modeled after, my last and only card left to play was “Man, my stomach hurts. I think I might be getting the flu. I need to get home.” As you might’ve guessed, she had an answer for that too! “Awwww its okay sexy, I’ll take you back to my place and make you better. I’m a nurse, remember?.” Yeah, epic fail on my part.
So after 15 minutes of saying “No that’s okay, I’ll just roll home” and still standing in the same spot with natures worst specimen and freak of creepy nature, I told her “let’s go” and we left. She took me back to the shop so I could “get some clothes.” I got out and said,”it’s okay, I can make it home.” She got out of her car and, in a fit of rage, slammed me against the car and told me to “Get your @$$ in the car right now. You’re too sick to drive, and I’m talking you home, taking care of you, and kissing and cuddling you all night!” Somehow, I was able to escape her jaws of life and wiggle away.
Trying to liberate myself, I told her I’d had a great time but the date was over. She proceeded to start crying and screaming “Kiss! KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSS!” This was the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced on a date. Soooooo many strikes!!! I didn’t want her making a scene or to have the neighbors call the cops so I gave in and gave her a peck on the lips. She crammed her giraffe tongue in my mouth and almost gagged me. I quickly extracted myself from the grips of the Anaconda and got into my car. She came over and started pounding on the door, still crying, screaming “Cuddle! CUUUUUUUDLE!” I cracked the window and told her to shut up, someones going to call the fuzz. She said she didn’t care, that they could take her to jail because she was IN LOVE! Um, WHAT?! You’ve gotta be kidding me. This girl is psycho! I finally gave in and told her she could come hang out at the house with me, but we needed to leave. I wanted to get her out of the gate so I could lock it.
So we left, I locked the gate, and hauled balls out of the driveway trying to lose her. I looked back in my mirror and the psycho was going 85 down the road trying to catch up with me, all the while calling me and sending texts. Oprah would be proud, this chick can multitask! Anyway, I turned down another street, started bobbing and weaving in and out of traffic, and luckily lost her by the time I hit the last street near my house. I was seven miles away from complete and total freedom! I crossed the last road to get to my house and I saw head lights clearing the hill – this psycho had somehow managed to make the correct turns!
So I pulled into a neighborhood near my house and got out of my car. I walked to the door to pretend like I was going inside and she rolled down her window, again screaming “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” Who is this girl? Bloody hell, really? I told her to shut her mouth or I’d call the cops. She finally shut up long enough for me to tell her it was a great date but I was tired and was going to sleep. She tried debating the issue but I was quite firm in saying “No. I don’t need your help, I can sleep by myself.” She started crying again, this time saying,” But we had such a perfect night. I’m gonna make sure it ends perfectly too. I want to stay with you.” I don’t know what planet she’s from or what kind of vibe I was putting off by trying to lose her five times, but it was far from perfect! I finally got her to leave by telling her I’d come over and cuddle with her after church the next day. I also said,”Call me when you get home so I know you made it.” I couldn’t care less if she made it, I just wanted her to leave.
She finally got home and called 17 -yes, 17 times. I obviously didn’t answer. She texted me a total of 41 times from the time I went to sleep until the time I woke up. This chick was creepy. I didn’t respond to any of her texts for three days. By that time, and this is no lie, she had texted me 96 times. I was able to get her number blocked and blocked her from Facebook and any other type of social network possible. This was by far the worst date of my life!