Not A Hoot

My Very Worst Date was with a guy I had been seeing for a couple of weeks and met through work. We met when he was mistakenly scheduled for a job interview at my company (I’m 22 but I started a local business right after I graduated from college). A friend of his worked for me and referred him for a position we had open, but somehow that was lost in translation. He showed up for the interview thinking he was actually supposed to be a reference for his friend. He’s tall, tan, light brown hair with gorgeous blue eyes and a devastating smile, already has a great job, and looks smashing in a suit. I’d set aside two hours for the interview and once we figured out the mix-up, we ended up having a great conversation at the end of which he asked to take me to dinner. I excitedly accepted.

Our first few dates went really well; he was a gentleman, picked me up, opened doors and pulled out my chair for me. I had a two week business trip coming up, so the week before I left I asked him if he wanted to go to a haunted forest since it was right before Halloween. I thought it’d be a cute idea and a good excuse to snuggle up against each other. He said he’d love to and we made plans to have dinner and then head to the forest after I finished at work. Around 5, I texted him to say I would be done by 6 and to see where he wanted to eat. His response: “Oh, yeah. We’re eating at 6:30.” I thought this was a bit odd so I asked where we were eating and offered to drive since the forest was about 45 minutes away. He said to come meet him because “he’s not driving anywhere.”  Oh, and the restaurant? Hooters.

At this point I thought about backing out because it sounded like he’d forgotten about our plans. I’d never been to a Hooters in my life and was not particularly thrilled about the prospect, as I wasn’t a big fan of wings or half naked girls during a date. He insisted I come anyways, saying he’d planned to meet me, so I headed up to the restaurant, figuring I could bail somehow if my nagging feeling that something was wrong proved true.

I pull up to the parking lot, and as I park he comes stumbling out of a huge lifted truck with a confederate flag painted on it that was sitting in the spot next to me (where the hell did that come from??)…followed by four of his buddies. He comes up to give me a hug, trying to stifle a burp in the process. He apologizes, saying he just “chugged a beer in the car.” (He was a month from turning 21). He turns to his friends and says “Everyone, this is M. M this is…everyone. Let’s get drunk!” They all run into the restaurant, leaving me to awkwardly follow.

Turns out he knows every single girl that works there. On the way over to the table he stops to hug at least four waitresses who all look like Playboy bunnies (all are “friends” from high school), all of whom eye me up and down. Being regulars apparently, a plate of their hottest wings and a pitcher of beer appear without ordering as the waitress whispers to him not to get too rowdy and winks her terrifying fake eyelashes at him. After devouring the wings, he looks over at me and says “Oh, sorry, did you want something?”

Surprisingly, the night actually got better from there. We ordered food, and after getting over the surprise of four extra people on the date, I chatted with his friends who all seemed to be pretty nice although a bit rough around the edges, and he acted more like the guy I’d gone out with the first two times. I figured maybe he was nervous about introducing me to his friends and/or slightly drunk. We finished eating and he told me it’d be us, plus one of his friends, J, and J’s girlfriend, and other one of his single friends going to the haunted forest. So I was thinking it would kind of be a double date. Cute, right?

Wrong. A group of five makes for awkward seating arrangements in the car, so I end up sitting in the backseat with the other couple while my date sits in front of me. His friend blasts the music so loud that the car is shaking, so I give up on any chance at conversation and just sit silently. All of a sudden my date pulls out two cases of beer from under the seats and pops open four cans, handing one to the guy driving and challenging him to a chugging contest. Seriously??? My eyes must have been bulging out of my head because he catches my eye in the rear view mirror and asks “What’s that face for?” My date proceeds to chug all 4 beers, while his friend driving announces loudly that he’ll hold off till we get there since I’m no fun.

We finally arrive. They chug more beer. It starts to rain. Excellent.

They insist we still go in since we drove so far. We go to get tickets and they’re $45 apiece. He freaks out, and I offer to pay for mine (I didn’t know how expensive it was when I suggested it). He grumbles that he’ll pay since “he’s the guy” as he gives me a sideways glare. We go in and he immediately clings on to me, using the darkness in the forest as an excuse to grab, poke, and grope me. He is acting like an annoying younger brother. On our way out he loudly yells how much he hates smokers but that when he’s wasted he’ll smoke a whole pack. He bums a cigarette off someone and puffs his way back to the truck. He keeps trying to hold my hand and in between drags pulls me towards him and tries to make out with me. His mouth tastes like an ash tray and I pull away from him. I’m soaking wet and
irritated. He’s pouting and when we get back to the truck I open to door to get in the backseat. He doesn’t get in and after a few seconds I realize he’s peeing on the car parked next to us! I’m just glad we’re heading home and that the night will be over within the hour.

Everyone gets back in the car and we get on the highway. I’m looking out the window and I start to smell pot. I turn around and realize the guy driving is smoking a bowl as he’s flying down the highway with no hands on the wheel! I freak out, grabbing the seat in front of me, which my date, who’s sitting in front of me again, takes as a sign. He turns around, grabs my hand, and starts sucking my fingers in an apparent attempt to seduce me. I disgustedly jerk my hand back, telling him I’m not ok being in the car with a driver who’s possibly drunk and definitely high. He snorts back, telling me to “grow up.” I pray we’ll get home alive for the rest of the ride.

We finally make it back to Hooters, where we left our cars, and my date asks me to drop him off at his house. I inform him his friends can take him home, but he hops in my car anyways, tells me he wants to go back to my office and mess around on my desk because that’s always been one of his fantasies, then lunges at me trying to make out with me as he grabs my hand and puts it on his crotch “so I can feel how hard I make him.” I literally scream, push him out the door and peel out of the parking lot.

He texts me later that night saying we should still “hook up” sometime.

Not even a week later, I went to a local Mexican restaurant with one of my friends, and he ended up being there with one of the Hooters waitresses. We got sat at the table right next to him and he pretended not to notice me during the entire meal. We’ve not been in contact since, and his friend who worked for me disappeared soon after our disastrous date.