(S)hit and Run
He was an illustrator who told me he had never actually “worked” a day in his life. By that he meant a normal wake up, 9-5, go home, sleep, repeat. He was, however, currently employed at the local Starbucks. “Part-time hours are great,” he said, “because then I can cater to my clients and to myself. It’s a win-win.”
We walked around the park, had awkward conversation, made eye contact a few times. He was cute in a Jewish sort of handsome way. Biggest nose I’d ever seen…fitting, though, as he was a caricature artist. Great laugh, good hair, slight build, but firm enough to handle me.
Dinner was great; he was friendly to our server, told stories about his work and his clients, touched my hands from across the table. Good things, right?
7:00 pm neared…we’d been hanging out all day. Figured this was where I’d get my kiss goodnight and a tentative plan for a second date. He told me in the car on the way back to my place that he wouldn’t stay, but rather that he’d just like to come in, use my bathroom, and head home. OK…sure.
He was in the bathroom for what seemed like at least 20 minutes. It could have only been five, but it felt like forever. He came out, smiled, thanked me, and let himself out. I didn’t ask why he wanted to end the date so abruptly…
…and it’s probably better that I didn’t. He must have taken what was the most rank, foulest smelling shit in my toilet. An odor so stinky that my nostrils haven’t been the same since. I thought part of him died. No offer to spray or to even light the candle set on the toilet tank (matches were right beside it in a box in plain sight!). Just a simple and frank ‘see ya’ and out the door he went.
I didn’t know how to react. So I called my friend. He told me to make sure I checked in both the bathtub and the toilet tank. Are you kidding me? People actually do their business in the tank half of the toilet? Lord…
Luckily, he didn’t upperdeck me. No surprises or little mementos of our time together. Just the raw stink of another date gone bad.
I followed up a few days later to tell him how relieved I was that he felt so comfortable in his (non-existent) relationship with me that he could do such a thing! Haven’t heard from him since (this happened in September of 2010).
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