(S)hit and Run

He was an illustrator who told me he had never actually “worked” a day in his life. By that he meant a normal wake up, 9-5, go home, sleep, repeat. He was, however, currently employed at the local Starbucks. “Part-time hours are great,” he said, “because then I can cater to my clients and to myself. It’s a win-win.”

We walked around the park, had awkward conversation, made eye contact a few times. He was cute in a Jewish sort of handsome way. Biggest nose I’d ever seen…fitting, though, as he was a caricature artist. Great laugh, good hair, slight build, but firm enough to handle me.

Dinner was great; he was friendly to our server, told stories about his work and his clients, touched my hands from across the table. Good things, right?

7:00 pm neared…we’d been hanging out all day. Figured this was where I’d get my kiss goodnight and a tentative plan for a second date. He told me in the car on the way back to my place that he wouldn’t stay, but rather that he’d just like to come in, use my bathroom, and head home. OK…sure.

He was in the bathroom for what seemed like at least 20 minutes. It could have only been five, but it felt like forever. He came out, smiled, thanked me, and let himself out. I didn’t ask why he wanted to end the date so abruptly…

…and it’s probably better that I didn’t. He must have taken what was the most rank, foulest smelling shit in my toilet. An odor so stinky that my nostrils haven’t been the same since. I thought part of him died. No offer to spray or to even light the candle set on the toilet tank (matches were right beside it in a box in plain sight!). Just a simple and frank ‘see ya’ and out the door he went.

I didn’t know how to react. So I called my friend. He told me to make sure I checked in both the bathtub and the toilet tank. Are you kidding me? People actually do their business in the tank half of the toilet? Lord…

Luckily, he didn’t upperdeck me. No surprises or little mementos of our time together. Just the raw stink of another date gone bad.

I followed up a few days later to tell him how relieved I was that he felt so comfortable in his (non-existent) relationship with me that he could do such a thing! Haven’t heard from him since (this happened in September of 2010).

If you enjoyed this story, check back tomorrow for another gem from the same submitter, and check out her blog!

September 5th, 2012 in One-Night Mess, WTF? | tags: ,
Comments (44)
EmSeptember 5th, 2012 at 4:25 am

I don’t support judging the date in this story. What was he supposed to do, shit himself? Ask you for air freshener? If it was that rank he was probably unwell and completely unable avoid it, and he was probably way to embarrassed and hoping you would be grown up enough to get that bodily functions happen, occasionally at really inconvenient times. I mean hell, some of the stories on here that end up with the couple getting together involved someone shitting themselves and their date being understanding.

I’m speaking from the perspective of someone who has done this, albeit in my own house. To my horrific embarrassment, he used the toilet immediately after me. BUT he was totally understanding and didn’t say a thing about it….. until I started puking and he told me he really wanted to go down on me right then. So, in retrospect, did I get a guy with a stomach flu fetish?

FeinSeptember 5th, 2012 at 4:30 am

Seriously? He had to use the bathroom, and this is your worst date ever? Maybe he was unwell. And rubbing his nose in it in a passive-aggressive way afterwards is totally choice, lemme let ya know.

“This guy seemed really nice and we had an amazing night, but then he had the nerve to require a bathroom. WHO DOES THAT?!”

I can’t wait for tomorrow’s story. “Steve and I really hit it off. He bought me a diamond bracelet, took me on a private jet ride to France to eat at a four-star restaurant, and he even opened the door for me! But then, you won’t believe this… he BURPED IN FRONT OF ME. I called it off right then and there.”

ChelsSeptember 5th, 2012 at 5:37 am

I’m grown up enough to know that if I’m not feeling well, I mention it, especially after spending the better part of 8 hours with someone. He was also well into his 30′s and clearly not as mature as I had hoped.

Thanks for your reply.

SynnoveSeptember 5th, 2012 at 5:45 am

Apparently this was just posted for the submitter to plug her blog, and most likely respond defensively in the comments about how no really, she’s right.

Sometimes those stinkbombs come out of left field, so he may not have been able to mention to you that he wasn’t feeling well because maybe he felt fine. Maybe it was something he had eaten yesterday. What was he supposed to do, come out of the bathroom and say, “You may want to give it a minute, smells like the devil pinched off a loaf in there, sorry!” If he had said something I’m sure you would have been just as disgusted.

It’s rich, you decide to blow off what was otherwise a good date because he took a stinky shit (something everyone has done at some point in their life). But he’s the immature one?

Sally Word MercenarySeptember 5th, 2012 at 5:51 am

Yes, Synnove, that’s exactly what he should have said. “Don’t go in there for a while….” It’s universal.

AwkwardSeptember 5th, 2012 at 6:26 am

“I followed up a few days later to tell him how relieved I was that he felt so comfortable in his (non-existent) relationship with me that he could do such a thing!”

How grown up and mature of you!

JackyMSeptember 5th, 2012 at 6:40 am

He could’ve salvaged the date by making a joke or embarrassed apology. Both OP and him were kinda immature…

The fact that he just quickly let himself out afterwards makes me think he was just an awkward person, or wasn’t interested in another date.

JonSeptember 5th, 2012 at 7:29 am

Comedy gold: the “bad” date, comments, maturity levels of both parties. Great writing, OP.

@SallyWordMercenary It is universal. I have even apologized for #2 in unfamiliar territory.

NicoleSeptember 5th, 2012 at 7:30 am

He was cute in a Jewish sort of handsome way…well that’s only vaguely offensive.

EllereSeptember 5th, 2012 at 7:42 am

Why do I get the feeling this is probably his worst date as well…?

“And then she texted me a few days later to mock me, I’ve never been so humiliated. I haven’t spoken to her since.”

JennaSeptember 5th, 2012 at 8:02 am

Do people really announce it to the world if they do a big smelly shit? If someone uses my toilet I just assume they may have done something smelly and give it a minute. Making a point of telling me just seems awkward.

NattieSeptember 5th, 2012 at 8:32 am

Yeah, I’m not really seeing the problem. It’s fine if the smell was such a turnoff that you chose to never see him again, but I really don’t see the point of mocking him about it.
Yeah, if he wasn’t feeling well he should have ended the date a tad early and used the restroom elsewhere, but it’s likely he didn’t anticipate the smell.
If you had an air freshener in visible sight he probably should have sprayed (I don’t blame him for not wanting to light candles – he’d have to tell you about them since they’re unsafe to leave unattended, leading to an awkward conversation) but again, I don’t see the point of mocking him about it.

If the date had gone very poorly I could even understand mocking him a bit more, but he seemed perfectly nice. Hell, I’d be more likely to judge him on the “never worked a day in my life” comment than a normal bodily function.

EmilySeptember 5th, 2012 at 8:58 am

I’m not really understanding why there’s a link to her blog. It doesn’t appear to be related to this particular story or following any ‘bad date’ themes. Why would I want to read about politics and pro-fat quotes when I’ve come here to read about awful dates?
Also, I don’t think taking a stinky poo is really worth getting in touch with him to mock him over. He must have been mortified.

KateSeptember 5th, 2012 at 9:17 am

Yeah, what’s with the blog plug? It’s a complete yawn. This story was obnoxiously written, too.

” He was cute in a Jewish sort of handsome way. Biggest nose I’d ever seen…fitting, though, as he was a caricature artist. Great laugh, good hair, slight build, but firm enough to handle me.”

OMG, you’re like, sooooo sassy. *eye roll*

I can bet you’ve been someone’s worst date on more than one occasion.

ChelsSeptember 5th, 2012 at 9:19 am

While it seems like shameless self-promotion, the moderators here wanted to include a link back to my blog–I was asked if it was OK to link back to me. They didn’t have to do that and, no, I certainly didn’t ask for it. They were, however, gracious enough to post my stories and I am apparently brave enough to endure the comments.

This guy was, in fact, very awkward. But let me reiterate: this was no ordinary shit. In a 2br apartment with only a fan in the bathroom, no windows in the room, and some OUST and a Yankee candle, that was the best I could do to remedy the stench. But he could have at least mentioned that he wasn’t feeling well or warned me. I would have and chalked it up to being no big deal. And I likely wouldn’t have mocked him…then.

To those of you wondering why my blog isn’t chock full of these stories, it’s simple: it’s MY blog. It’s a reflection of who I am. It’s my identity. If you read the ‘about’ section or even clicked on any of the tagged links at the top, you’ll find more stories. Don’t care to do so, that’s fine too. By adding my link, it tells you that I’m not just an anonymous submitter — it further reinforces that bad dates really do happen to otherwise immature people.

TL;DR – I’ve been active here since the early days. These are my stories. I hope you like them.

DysphoriaSeptember 5th, 2012 at 9:34 am

You’re faulting someone for being a mammal?

XJSeptember 5th, 2012 at 9:35 am

Wait, I’m obviously missing something here. So…the date went great! He was a wonderful, cute guy and you two clicked. And then, he had to use the restroom…and it happened to stink, like those things sometimes do. And THAT was the bad date part? The fact he was a human who did what humans do, and not some magical entity that craps rainbows, fragrant rose blossoms and prancing tiny unicorns? And you’re ditching him for THAT?
Sure, he could have been more graceful about it, but he probably just lacked the confidence to make a joke. Poor guy was probably just embarrassed. If this is your worst date ever, then wow, you have a good thing going.

NatalieSeptember 5th, 2012 at 9:39 am

Wait, nobody cares that she said this guy was cute in a Jewish sort of way, because he had a big nose?

DaniSeptember 5th, 2012 at 9:55 am

@Natalie – I don’t care, because I’m equally cute in a Jewish sort of way because I have a big nose and dark hair and I look like a typical Jewish girl. I just don’t feel the need to throw a political-correctness tantrum about it. But she didn’t say he was Jewish looking BECAUSE of his nose, just that he was Jewish looking and also had a big nose. Maybe you’re being the judgmental one here, hm?

Anyway, she’s still pretty awful for being a huge jerk about this guy having to take a bowel movement. Um, sorry he didn’t want to poop himself? Get over it.

laurenSeptember 5th, 2012 at 9:58 am

It doesn’t say she ditched him, just that she texted him a few days later and he never replied. Can’t really tell if the tone of OP’s text was meant to be mocking or jokey – would probably be more appropriate if it was the latter?

Anyway who cares if it links to her blog, if you don’t want to read, it don’t click on it.

zomboidSeptember 5th, 2012 at 10:19 am

personally, i would never, ever give a second chance to a guy whose shit turned out to stink.

reviewSeptember 5th, 2012 at 10:19 am

If this is your very worst date, then you shouldn’t come back here tomorrow. It just won’t be the same.

blondieSeptember 5th, 2012 at 10:54 am

I’m having a hard time pinning down this OP’s tone, but it sounds like she’s mocking him throughout. How is the entire first paragraph relevant to the story at all unless he’s mocking him working at Starbucks to support his art? How is the size of his nose relevant? What’s the potential upper-decker that never materialized have to do with anything except the OP’s immaturity?

blondieSeptember 5th, 2012 at 10:55 am

oh, and zomboid, you’re hilarious. :)

AllisonSeptember 5th, 2012 at 11:00 am

Good, well written account of a bad date – surprised it is inspiring such harsh comments. The author never said he was a terrible person for “being a mammal” in her bathroom and it does seem like an awful way to end the date. The fact that the date was going so well makes its ending even worse.

It is funny to me that so many commenters are calling the author a jerk while leaving her very jerky comments. Well played.

And, don’t most websites include a link to the author’s blog when they submit a guest post?

MackenzieSeptember 5th, 2012 at 11:01 am

@ Natalie I was immediately turned off the Jewish big nose comment.

But seriously, sounds like this guy was great other than some intestinal issues. I’ve had things like this happen to me while out with friends, and this has happened to friends while out with me, and somehow we managed not to end our friendships with childish mocking as a result. As the saying goes, sh*t happens.

Anyway, you sound like the VWD here, Chels.

AvidReaderSeptember 5th, 2012 at 11:36 am

I don’t know about this. He had already said he wanted to go into OP’s place just to use the bathroom, but while they were still driving. It doesn’t seem it came on so suddenly, he should have known by then what he’d be doing. At the very least, I’d have sought out a method of air freshener before going. (Though if it’s as bad as OP described, the candles may not have helped, haha!)
Then again, maybe he just doesn’t know his poop is so rancid, they do say you don’t smell your own stink. Which makes the story even funnier, I think. “Whew! Good thing it doesn’t smell!” xD

NGSeptember 5th, 2012 at 11:36 am

Chill out folks, and let’s look at the brighter side of life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahg2GVWHGKY

JayceSeptember 5th, 2012 at 12:19 pm

at least he didn’t explode all over the surface of your bathroom. There is always a silver lining right?

AppleSeptember 5th, 2012 at 12:47 pm

dang, that’s a lot of OP bashing. Sure its a blog plug, but really, there are plenty of OPs that could have done better and the comments on some of those posts don’t have nearly the negative vehemence of these.

Everyone has deal-breakers be they reasonable or not. For me? Chewing with your mouth open. For this OP? Nuclear-apocalyptic stink bombs. If it was that bad for her, it was a bad date.

Dr. CheeseSeptember 5th, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Man whats with all the OP bashing? Taking a nasty shit isn’t a deal breaker if you are dating, but this was a first date. I think its incredibly forward of him to ask to use her bathroom on a first date and then take a huge shit, who does that!? Why couldn’t he just say goodbye and take a dump in the nearest store? I like how the OP followed up, very funny. Actually, since the OP did follow up he had a chance to salvage it by making a joke out of it or something.

And with the Jewish nose thing. She said he was handsome in a Jewish way and had a big nose. Not “he had a big Jewish nose”. FFS Judaism is a religion anyways not a race. I doubt saying that Catholics were all drunks would illicit the same response.

MehSeptember 5th, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Gross stink bombs are my deal breaker. The guy should’ve said his stomach hurt and then ran off to use his own bathroom or a public one, not his date’s. That is rude and nasty. Maybe after months of dating but definitely not the first. I can’t see how anyone would find it attractive. Desperation is scary.

Dr. CheeseSeptember 5th, 2012 at 1:35 pm

@ Mackenzie
For the 100th fricking time the site is not about who is the the worst date, its about going on your worst date.

KaliSeptember 5th, 2012 at 2:27 pm

From the post, I got the impression that the OP was a very unpleasant person to be around. The comments have confirmed it.:/

LinSeptember 5th, 2012 at 2:49 pm

He probably didn’t want another date anyhow after deciding the OP was an unpleasant wench. Good for him. OP let her true colors shine before he decided to like her.

notaturkeyboneSeptember 5th, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I’ve had three MVWD and one MVWJ published and never got a blog link. Hold on while I get some ads up and then y’all can visit my site, too.

C D PlayneSeptember 5th, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Judging by OP’s tone, I think her shit stinks too!

Dr. CheeseSeptember 5th, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Trolls

DreSeptember 5th, 2012 at 7:58 pm

I think this date sounds pretty awful especially for a first date. He could of drop her off then went to a gas station to use the bathroom if he couldn’t wait until he got home. I had a friend who went on a date and got the runs and she explain to the guy what was happening and they continued to date for a year before calling it quits. I think there is too much OP bashing on this site. Its suppose to be your very worst date not the very worst date in the entire world. Lighten up people

ChelsSeptember 5th, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Aw man there’s 2 Chels commenters. Awkward turtle.

LaceySeptember 6th, 2012 at 8:40 am

Wow, almost nobody here would be even a bit turned off by a first date coming to your house for the sole purpose of taking a huge, smelly crap? You are all better people than I am. Not saying it makes the guy a bad person or anything, but none of you would find yourselves even a little bit less sexually attracted to him?

MackenzieSeptember 6th, 2012 at 10:23 am

@ Dr. Cheese Uh, I get that.

NattieSeptember 6th, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I think OP’s completely justified in being turned off and not wanting to see him again. I just don’t see the point of mocking him about it.

MaxxySeptember 6th, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Not only am I very glad I am not dating OP, I’m delighted I’m not even her friend. Who calls up a friend to announce that someone took a dump in her bathroom? (And what kind of guy is her friend if his first thought is to check for poop in the tank? Is this something he does a lot?)

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