I met this guy (we’ll call him Jim, although that’s not his name). Jim is 30 years old and used to be a freelance editor in LA, but moved to my area when the economy went bad “to be closer to his family” (which I’m pretty sure translates to “to live with his parents.” Nothing wrong with that…we’ve all done it). He seemed nice, and was attractive and seemingly intelligent, so when he asked me out I said sure…I figured if anything, I could start making some friends in the area. We decided to go see a movie and get some food after, so I got a babysitter and gave him my number, and we were good to go.
You guys. He showed up wearing the shoes pictured above.
I don’t care how comfortable these shoes are; they are fucking ugly. They are not meant to be worn in public, much less on a first date. When I noticed, I winced a little (okay, a lot), but I shrugged it off. So what, he’s got horrible taste in clothes…so did my last boyfriend. This is Santa Cruz – at least he was wearing shoes.
We went to see Easy A, which was adorable, as I expected. The only thing that disturbed my viewing pleasure was my awful date, who guffawed loudly the whole time while slapping his knee and practically causing me to go deaf in my left ear. He also repeated every line that he thought was funny. The movie is a comedy…this happened way too often. I’m pretty sure 90% of the theater turned around to stare at him (and consequently, me) at least a few times (somehow he seemed to be blissfully unaware). Considering we were in a theater full of teenage girls who were giggling and talking the entire time, this kind of attention is saying quite a lot.
Afterward, we went out to grab some food. I was hoping he was just enthusiastic about movies and that dinner with him at least wouldn’t suck (I couldn’t think of a way to get out of it), but unfortunately this was not the case. We went to a vegetarian restaurant, and he insisted on arguing with me about veganism (apparently, he had a roommate who was vegan ten years ago, which makes him an expert). According to him, there are no health benefits and it doesn’t make sense (whatever). Being vegan is an educated decision – I didn’t just wake up one day and decide to completely change my lifestyle. I’d considered it for a long time before deciding to go for it (and the change was gradual). Obviously, it’s incredibly obnoxious (not to mention insulting) for someone to act like I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I guess defending my veganism is something I should get used to, but it’s still not something I’d expect on a first date.
Anyway, I somehow managed to change the subject to something more amiable, then ate fast and declined desert (claiming that I needed to get home to relieve my babysitter), and skillfully dodged the goodnight kiss. He told me he’d be in touch (ugh, kill me now) and we parted ways. He has since texted me about 1,000 times. (This includes one time from the grocery store asking me what kind of milk he should get for his granola, and then a second text complaining when I didn’t respond before he left the store. True story. He got vanilla coconut milk. Like I give a fuck.) I will swiftly be putting an end to this when I see him next (or changing my number).