MVWD was also my first ever date – I was 15, never been kissed, slightly dorky and, frankly, surprised that someone would ever want to go on a date with me. And he was 18 (dear me!).

To be fair, the date was not only bad because of him, I contributed to it, too. But what a disaster.

He took me to McDonald’s, which, in hindsight, should have been a huge red flag. Instead, I stood awkwardly in line with him, trying to decide what to get. There is really nothing on the menu at McDonald’s that is not going to make me look like a complete tool, though. When it was finally our turn, he told me to order first. What a catch, I thought. He’s a gentleman! (How wrong I was).

Unfortunately, this was in France, and I had never been in a French McDonald’s. I had no clue that in French, they call burgers “sandwiches.” So when the lady behind the counter asked me what sandwich I wanted, I freaked out, and said “what?” She repeated her question, to which I flippantly said “Tuna?”

My date thought this was the funniest thing, and (luckily) he thought I had done this on purpose because I was edgy and different. Asking for a tuna sandwich at McDonald’s. What a crazy gal.

The lady behind the counter became quite cross with me, so I just blurted out “Big Mac” to get out of the situation. I turned to my date, and asked him; “What are you having?”

“Oh, nothing. I am not eating.”

This, of course, made me very uncomfortable. We proceeded to sit at a table where he WATCHED ME EAT. Dainty, little, 15 year-old me trying to eat a burger and fries in front of my date? I did not appreciate. It took even longer in an effort to look half decent; all the while he did not say much, just sat there watching. All my attempts at offering him some of my food were declined.

When I finished, he proclaimed; “Well, that made me hungry!” and went to line up again. He ordered himself a Big Mac as well, came back, unwrapped a straw, jammed it in his burger, and tried to suck the burger through his straw. After failing miserably, he laughed awkwardly, then ate his meal while I had to watch him.

Needless to say, it was the most uncomfortable date I had ever been on (since it was my first) but I haven’t been able to top it since, either.

Later, I found out that he did it this way because his father employed him, and he charged the meals to the company credit card. If he ordered one meal, waited until I ate it, then ordered another, his dad might believe that he was just really hungry, and needed two lunches that day. If he had ordered them at the same time, he would have had to pay for the date…

I had been dating a guy for maybe a couple of months when we went on this date. We were still very young. One evening he called me up asking me if I knew his two friends. One I will name Matt, the other Sue. I happened to know Matt. He often made fun of me when we attended the same school. I told my boyfriend so and said I did not like him. Just so happens I was on speaker phone and Matt and Sue were there! Great. After that awkwardness, my boyfriend told me the three of them were going to see a movie, and asked if I wanted to go along with them. I agreed – I wanted very much to see him, since I didn’t get to very often.

So they rolled up to my house eventually and I got in the car. Someone’s parents were driving (as I said, fairly young still). I was surrounded by a bunch of people I didn’t really know and not exactly feeling confident about it. As we rolled along to the mall for the movie, a small child popped up out of the seat behind my boyfriend and I, trying to frighten me. Apparently, they were a younger sister of Matt or Sue. Everyone laughed and stared at me with smiles on their faces like it was supposed to be funny or something. I was less than amused since I was already feeling out of place. That didn’t help.

Then we reached the movie theater and got in line to buy tickets…at least, I did. My boyfriend informed me that he didn’t have money to pay for the movie, but they had connections so he was going to get in anyway. After some shady dealing at a water fountain and “secretive” hand brushing with their “connection,” we got into the movie without a problem. Well, without being caught anyway.

We were then sitting in the theater, watching the movie. The boyfriend decided it was time to kiss, and apparently pretty aggressively because I was being sunk into my seat in an awkward position. His friends moved a couple of seats away. Awkward. And on top of that, my boyfriend was hardly able to keep his eyes open because he was so tired.

It was all dreadfully awkward and even if I didn’t see how terrible it was when it was happening, I definitely see it now.

I had a couple more pretty bad dates with the kid, but eventually we broke up and I met an amazing boy that has been in my possession for a good couple of years.

When I was in the military, I met a guy in a port call at a club. We really hit it off that night. When I was back out to sea a few days later, he found my email address in the ship’s database, and started writing me. We talked for about a month via email, and he gave me the impression that he might want to date me. As soon as I mentioned this concept, he changed his tone. The next port call was coming up. I should have listened to my instinct. I agreed to go on a date even tough I could tell he wanted something impersonal.

I checked into my hotel room, got dressed to the nines, and waited on time in front of the club for him to show up. Time was rolling by, and I started to feel like an idiot standing out there by myself. An hour passed, and the guy still had not shown up. I finally gave up and went back to my hotel room deflated. I came out of the elevator, and looked out the long picture window lining the second floor where my room is. I noticed a line of guys walking up the sidewalk. All of them were stone cold drunk and stumbling. They stood in front of the club for two seconds, and just left.

When my ship left port a few days later, the guy wrote me wondering where I had been. Apparently he spent two hours beforehand making sure to get as drunk as possible with his friends, and then said to himself, “Screw it. I’ll bring my boys with me on my date.” What a waste of time. I would have appreciated it if he had just told me that he didn’t care about me.

My Very Worst Date took place when I was a junior in college, home in Philadelphia on winter break. I was on the rowing team at a private school and took only four classes a semester, but took winter and summer courses at my local college to transfer over. This particular winter break I took a course at the local campus for a state college. Each class was five hours long with a half hour break in the middle. During the break in my first class, while getting coffee, I met a foreign student from Belarus who was taking another class. He was well-dressed, tall and dark, with a Belarusian accent, and even though I wasn’t interested in dating at the time he was nice to talk to during breaks. We met up every day during our breaks and got coffee together.

On the seventh day of classes during break, he asked me out on a date. I explained that I wasn’t necessarily looking to date anyone, especially since I would be returning to my college in a month. He looked dejected, and told me that he was lonely living in the United States and didn’t have any friends here. Feeling bad, I agreed to go to dinner and a movie in the city with him. He didn’t have a car, so he asked that I pick him up the next evening at his apartment and gave me the address.

His apartment ended up being in a bad area of North Philadelphia, and knowing the area I felt incredibly unsafe waiting the forty minutes it took him to get ready. Even though this wasn’t a date, I had dressed nicely with dark jeans and a fitted top. He, on the other hand, over-dressed with a suit and tie; clearly there was a breach in customs as to what one should wear to dinner and the movies.

When he got into my car, a five-year-old Jeep, he immediately started running his hands over the console and seats, telling me that I must be rich to have afforded the car. While I drove towards a theater in the city, he continued to talk about money and how Americans don’t spend their money wisely. He pointed out my jewelry, my shoes, and my purse explaining that I wasted money that should have gone towards my family. I was never really one for material things, so I again brushed this off as cultural differences.

When we got to the movie theater parking lot, he told me that he didn’t want to see a movie or have dinner and instead wanted me to give him a driving tour of Philadelphia. I took him along Boathouse Row (one of my favorite places) and stopped to show him some of the statues along the Schuylkill River. When I turned off my car, he quickly leaned in and tried to kiss me. I stopped him, and he blatantly joked that he thought we were stopping to make out “like in the movies”. I’m not sure at this point why I continued to think that he simply didn’t know American customs, but I knew that I needed to cut the night short.

I drove him through downtown Philadelphia and down to South Street, where he asked to stop for coffee. While walking along South Street with our coffee he suddenly said that he was surprised that I had said no to dating him because in Belarus he had dated women much hotter than I was. I almost spit out my coffee as he continued to talk about how hot the women in Belarus were (“they are all models”) and how plain American women were in comparison. “You may be beautiful by American standards,” he said, “but you would not be able to find a husband in Belarus.” Clearly, I was ready to go home now.

We got to my car and I started the drive back to his apartment. Seeing a billboard for a housing development, he asked me about my parents’ house and how big it was.  He clucked his tongue when I told him, again saying that Americans were wasteful and that people in Belarus only need small apartments. Then came the biggest shock of the night: he asked me if I would be interested in getting married so that he could stay in the United States after he finished with school. I sped the entire way back to his place.

When I finally got to his apartment and stopped my car, he leaned over again to try to kiss me. I pushed him away, and he got out of my car, started walking away, then turned and tapped on my car window. I opened it, and he said, “I don’t really have a lot of furniture, but I do have an air mattress that we can sleep on if you want to come have sex.” Needless to say, I didn’t take him up on the offer and spent the rest of the winter break avoiding him. He continued to call my phone even after I returned to college until my friend answered and told him that I had died. Without missing a beat, he asked her out.

I met T on an online dating site where I had previously met a boyfriend and several platonic friends. I live in a big city but don’t have a car. At the time, I relied solely on public transportation. T lived in a totally different city, about 20 miles away. However, he attended the university that was just a few blocks from my apartment, so we agreed to meet there for lunch. The fact that he didn’t offer to pick me up and drive me somewhere was OK, since there was a strip mall type place on campus, and I figured we could get Chinese food or something.

I didn’t know where anything was on the campus, so I wandered around for a while until I found T. And he did not look like his pictures. He was still moderately good looking, though, so I figured I’d continue.

Instead of walking to where the restaurants all were, we went to the student lounge. Which would be OK, except I wasn’t a student there, and the only food place was Subway. I like Subway as much as the next person (except maybe Jared), but not for a first date. But what’s even worse is that he didn’t order any food. He ordered himself a Diet Coke (because he only drinks Diet Coke and water) and didn’t offer to pay for my drink. But I’m a modern woman, I can handle going Dutch (even though I do believe that, traditionally, whomever asks for the first date should pay, especially if it’s only a $1.50 soda).

I was feeling a little hesitant at this point, but I stuck with it because we were compatible in our emails. But the conversation lagged. I asked questions and he gave one-word answers…until he asked me about my feelings on the zombie apocalypse. I told him I didn’t have any, because zombies aren’t real. He launched into a 30-minute diatribe on zombies. It was at this point that I called it quits and left. Luckily, he didn’t try for a kiss or a hug.

He did keep texting me for a few weeks after. It hurts me to say that I completely ignored him, but I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

One summer I was at grad school; my roommate and I were poor so we didn’t have a television or a car. All we could afford to eat was spaghetti.

I got asked out to a guy’s place for dinner.  It seemed like a casual thing, so I asked if my roommate could come too.  He seemed pretty happy to have two girls at his apartment and proudly made us a big old pot of spaghetti.

A few weeks later, my roommate got asked over to another guy’s place; she returned the favor by inviting me along.  This guy made an afternoon of entertaining us.  First, he showed us his album of photos of himself playing the tuba – he was a performance major.  His sister kept yelling at him from the living room where she was laid up with a broken foot.  As a dutiful brother he kept bringing her things, even though her voice sounded exactly like Fran Dreschers’ from The Nanny.  Every time we went into the living room, her little dog would get all excited and start peeing everywhere.  Finally, after what felt like an endless amount of hours spent looking at tuba photos and wiping up dog pee, he made us dinner – which, of course, was spaghetti.

I met Jack online when I was 20. He was 26, seemed nice, and wasn’t unattractive in his photo. We talked for about a month through IM and phone before deciding to meet for dinner.

I was a little put off when he asked me to drive since he didn’t have a license, but shrugged it off as something I’d ask about on our date.

When we got to the restaurant, he quickly ordered a mixed drink and a beer, pushing the mixed drink towards me as soon as it came. I told him I was underage and he just said, “It’s okay, baby, they don’t care.” Brushing off the annoying use of pet name, I refused the drink again.

He ended up ordering a pretty expensive meal, but since he told me he’d be paying, I didn’t mind. I ordered something cheaper despite his urging to get something equally expensive.

After we’d eaten, the waiter came by to see if everything was okay. Jack instantly said, “Yeah, I couldn’t eat it all, but I’ll smoke a bowl later and finish it.” Shocked, I sat mid-chew and the waiter awkwardly asked if we wanted the check. I’m not anti-drug, but it doesn’t seem the type of thing you advertise in the middle of a restaurant.

I couldn’t help but ask, “Why would you tell him that?”
“What? He doesn’t care. He probably smokes weed, too.”

Uncomfortably, I waited for the check. When it came, Jack picked it up, took out his wallet, then paused. “Oops. I guess I didn’t have my dad take out enough money.”
Confused, I asked, “Your dad?”
“Yeah, my dad controls my bank account. If I had a card, I’d just spend it all, ha ha!”

Not seeing the humor, I paid the check with my debit card and he gave me what cash he had to “pay me back.” At that point, I was just excited for the date to end.

When we got back to his house, I pulled into his driveway to let him out. As soon as I stopped, he leaned over to try and kiss me, but I pushed him off with a firm “No.”
He just smiled and said, “Come on, no kiss to end the night?”
“No,” I said, “Look, this isn’t going to work out.”
He pouted at me – literally stuck out his lip and pouted – and said, “Aww, you don’t want to come in and hang out a little more?”

Not seeing any other way to get him out of my car, I agreed, but hesitated by my door. As soon as he shut his door, I got back in, locked the doors, and drove off, extremely thankful to be out of his presence.

I woke up around 5 am to my phone ringing. It was Jack. I hit ignore, but he called again, and again, so I shut off my phone. When I got up later, I turned my phone on to find two voicemails. The first was Jack calling me a huge bitch for leading him on all night and not giving him his “deserved reward.” The second was also Jack apologizing for the first message and saying, “I guess I should turn off my phone when I do coke and drink a lot.” I changed my number.

My sophomore year in high school, I got up the courage to ask a cute junior to the winter ball. He grudgingly accepted and informed that he would go with me – but first he had to cancel on another girl.

That should have been my first clue it wouldn’t go well.

First, at dinner, he asked me to order the soup – and when the girl he canceled on showed up, he told me not to talk.

Then at the dance (which I paid for), he took off with his friends and I didn’t see him for hours. A friend’s date took pity on me and danced with me for a while. Later my date showed back up; when I asked him if we could get pictures or at least dance, he replied, “I don’t want you getting the wrong idea; I’m not your boyfriend.”

For some reason when the night ended, though, he decided that he liked me plenty – and tried to feel me up in the parking lot. He then asked me to perform a certain favor. When I refused, he drove me home and bought me a Dr. Pepper. He left me with a sloppy goodnight kiss.

Months later, he came up to apologize to me. Not for ditching me all night, but for trying to get some action. Apparently he had found Jesus.

I was a junior in college and fed up with the lack of suitable guys on campus, so I turned to online dating. I started talking to M about a week after I joined the website. He seemed really nice, funny, and pretty attractive. After a couple weeks of e-mailing and texting, he asked me out for coffee, and I accepted.

I was a little late because the Metro was backed up, so I texted him when I got there about 30 minutes after I had planned. He hadn’t shown up yet. So I got myself a cup of coffee, and started to read a book while I waited. He showed up, sat down, and drummed on the table to announce his arrival. I looked up, and immediately knew that this would not work out. He had obviously very carefully selected the pictures on the website- this kid was nothing like what I had remembered. Who walks around with headphones around their neck? Seriously. On a date. He was also carrying a bucket of chicken, knowing full well that I am vegetarian. He was apparently one of those guys who thinks meat jokes are hilarious. He didn’t order anything.

We started talking, I was trying to be polite while trying to hint that I was not into the date. Then he asked if I wanted to hear a jazz band play. I love music, so I figured that there was no way I wouldn’t enjoy that. Wrong.

We got into a cab to go to the venue, and he kept trying to find excuses to touch me. When we finally arrived, he said “Oh…I don’t have any cash on me…” So I paid the driver, but he insisted on me giving him the money, and him handing it up. Ok…

So we walked to the venue, and he asked the guy at the door how we get in.

“You buy tickets.”
“Oh..you have to buy tickets? How much are they?”
“$15.”
“Never mind.”

So he turned to me and said “Well, I guess that didn’t work out”. Then he took my hand and linked it in the most awkward way possible with his arm, and said “You know, in France, this is how they walk. They’re also known for their kissing.” Um, no.

I tried to play it off, but he asked me to his apartment. I said that I had a terrible headache and needed to go home. He said that I just need a few drinks. I kept insisting that I needed to go to the metro, and that if he wouldn’t take me, I’d just walk myself. So he took me, the whole time trying to hold my hand. When we got there, he leaned in for a kiss; and I gave him the awkward cheek turn and literally RAN down the stairs to the trains.

Later that weekend, he texted me: “Uh oh…I think I might be pregnant! What should we do!?”

I never responded. He tried to text me a few more times after that. I still don’t understand how he thought that any of my actions that night told him that I was even remotely interested.

MVWD happened when I was in university. I met this guy, N, at a party. He seemed like a decent guy, so I agreed to go out with him.

He was supposed to call me to figure out the details of the date (we’d said ‘Saturday, dinner and movie’ but not time or place). When he called, I was in class so I asked him to call back later; I didn’t hear from him until he texted me, late afternoon the day we were supposed to be going out. He still wanted to go out, but he could only do the movie, and it’d have to be the late show. Fine, whatever.

On the date, he reeked and complained about how little money he had. I prefer to pay my own way anyway, but he didn’t give me the chance, using one of those electronic ticket booths. Even though I’d explained that I hate horror movies, sure enough he bought tickets to one. We watched it anyway, and he kept trying to grope me in the packed theatre. As he drove me home, he started calling and texting someone, making plans for after he dropped me off -we almost crashed because he wasn’t paying attention. He also wouldn’t stop talking about drugs.

At that point, I just wanted to get away from him, but he insisted on walking me to my door. Then he lunged for a kiss; I was surprised and just kind of froze, which he apparently interpreted as me being into it, because he then tried to unbutton my pants. On the first date. Still outside. I pushed him away, said goodbye, got inside my apartment and locked the door.

Naturally, I ignored the rest of his texts and calls.