I was talking to this guy who was an avid shooter, and as a date we were going to go to an indoor shooting range. To make it more “datelike” we decided to have dinner at this really great restaurant. We had a really nice dinner, but his must not have agreed with him. When we were leaving the restaurant we were talking and he promptly ripped a huge juicy fart. I don’t mind farts, but this was like the Atom Bomb of butt bombs. And instead of apologizing for it, he laughed and pushed out another one. Seriously?

I shrugged it off and ignored it, and  we got in the truck and started heading to the place where he got ammo. Suddenly he said “Oh nos (yes, oh nos, he said that) I need to take a crap!” At this time I was thinking, “No you need to take me home.” I was absolutely grossed out by that point.

So he pulled into a Casey’s General Store, hopped out, and went inside. No more than five minutes later he came out, opened the truck door and said “We need to run to Farm and Fleet, I need new jeans.” I just looked at him and he said “I got to the bathroom and when I went to undo my pants I pushed out a fart but it wasn’t a fart.” He shit his pants. So that grossed me out even more. Really, if you know you have to crap and you are THIS CLOSE to sitting on the john, why would you push out a fart!? Why wouldn’t you wait?! Here’s the nasty part.

He had crap ALL OVER the back of his jeans. Very obviously crap all over. War zone. He went into the store, picked out jeans, and instead of CHANGING into them and out of his crap covered pants, he BROWSED THE FRIGGING STORE! WITH CRAP ALL OVER HIM!

I was done after that.

Eight years ago, a good friend, “Natasha,” set me up with an acquaintance, “Colin.” She was married at the time, so it was agreed that she, her husband “Ralph,” “Colin,” and I would go on a double date.

Natasha, Ralph, and I went to meet Colin at the pizza parlor…but he never showed. Ralph tried to call Colin, but Colin’s cell phone was turned off.

N and R were newlyweds and rarely got to spend time together (he was in the Marines, she was a busy full-time student), so you can imagine how lovey-dovey they were at the time. I normally don’t mind, but when your own date doesn’t show, it’s really awkward and embarrassing.

I’d driven Natasha there (she didn’t have a car) and wasn’t about to strand her 45 minutes away from campus, so I stuck around – saying nothing about the baby talk, the kissing, the groping, making me feel like a third wheel, etc. For extra fun, the lovebirds didn’t manage to pry themselves apart for a good five hours.

The next day, Ralph called…he’d finally heard back from Colin. Colin had been arrested for “borrowing” (read: stealing) his best friend’s car! But wait, it gets worse…it turned out that Colin was a few years older than he’d said he was, had already been married twice, and had a kid with each ex-wife. I realize that’s not unusual in this day and age, but I was only 20 at the time and it was way too much for me to handle.

Ralph told Colin never to call me again. Even though Ralph later developed a bad habit of flirting with me in front of Natasha, I’ll always appreciate that.

And yes, I’m still good friends with Natasha.

I worked retail cosmetics for several years. I had a male customer who came in often and asked every question he could about products, but NEVER bought anything. Finally he told me that he had been “sent” to get to know me by a coworker I had. He was polite, well dressed, good looking, and didn’t appear to be creepy….famous last words, right? I wasn’t ready to go out with this guy yet, but I agreed to meet him on my lunch break. Lunch started well, but immediately he began telling me how he was a black belt, ran a marathon, and how he had “so much money coming in” because he was a professor at a local community college AND worked with “investment banking” in his “off time.” As we kept talking, though, nothing about his story added up. When I mentioned him working at the college to my coworker, she said, “Yeah, you’d think Data Entry wouldn’t pay much at a community college, but he claims he has lots of money.” Hmmmm, not exactly what he said he did. Also, do you know anyone who is an investment banker as a hobby? Maybe he meant his Etrades account.

I had lost ALL interest in this guy, and when he called I told him I didn’t think it would be fair because I didn’t see it like he did. “Oh, NO, I wanted to tell YOU that I really am seeing you as a friend and not really as “date material,” he said, as though I misunderstood. We didn’t schedule any more dates, but when he’d come in to see my coworker we were friendly, and he’d occasionally invite me along when groups would go out (I didn’t go). One week it was my rotation to have a long weekend, and in my excitement to leave, I left my cellphone behind. When I came back I turned it back on I had over 300 missed calls in three days, and over 120 text messages!!!!!!!! They started with, “Stopped by to say hi, you weren’t at your station. Where you is, guuurl?” “Walked by again. Where is you? You avoiding me?” They kept going and going, getting to “You think it’s acceptable to ignore someone, especially me? NO ONE ignores me, especially not some fat ass woman. You need to show respect.”

The voicemails were worse. He went from asking why I wasn’t at work, to why I wasn’t answering my phone, to who did I think I was? The last one he left was him describing another girl who was a “lying B*, too” and had “Traitored him”(?) He told me she went away with her “secret man…hint hint” (yeah, he said “hint hint” in the message) and he had hacked into her bank account and “hidden” (READ: STOLEN) her money. Then he’d “remembered” her credit card numbers from when he’d looked through her wallet (????) and charged a bunch of things to her…and laughed as he told me how her credit and life were wrecked. Yes, he left this on a voicemail to a woman he’d never gone out with, and he really thought I’d call him back after that!!!!

Whether or not his story was true, it was creepy as hell that someone would even think to threaten me like that. I went to my coworker who told me he’d been coming to the store every day since before he talked with me to “Make sure no one tried to step to you.” He’d been spying on me from other parts of the store, calling my work area and hanging up to see if I was there, and waiting for hours to see if any male customers seemed to flirt. Then she said, “Oh Yeaaah, he’s a bit intense. It just means he really likes you and is worried you’re seeing someone else. He’ll get better if you go out with him. He was that way with me, but now he’s way better. And the sex is pretty good.” Uh…WHAT????  Yeah, he was already sleeping with the coworker trying to set us up, but it was “okay, cause it ain’t nothin but a thing.” I transferred as FAST as I could and told NO ONE where I went.

I have just got out of a 5-year relationship when I met D. He was instantly attracted to me but I wasn’t ready to date anyone seriously, plus he wasn’t exactly my type. Nonetheless, I intended to keep things friendly so I hung out with him several times along with a group of friends, during which time he found out that I liked French films.

One day, he messaged me and told me that an indie film theater is showing a really good French movie. He asked me whether I would like to see it with him. I didn’t see any harm in seeing a movie with him, so I agreed. Unfortunately, the movie was only showing on Friday nights and he had to work late on Fridays. Since he couldn’t get out of work until 11:30pm, we decided to watch the midnight show. In retrospect, I feel like I was really cornered into watching a movie at that hour. It is a lot harder to back out on a date on the ground of inconvenient hours. I didn’t want to be mean.

The movie theater was 15 minutes away from my apartment so he said he would pick me up after he got off work at around 11:40pm. As I waited for him, I started to get very sleepy. I’d had very long and stressful week that week at work and I was barely able to keep my eyes open. At around 11pm, I decided to take a half an hour nap. I set my alarm and hugged my pillows. I had no idea how long I slept, but when I finally woke up I saw my phone was vibrating (I usually kept my phone on vibrate at work and I have forgotten to turn it back off). I picked up the phone, It was D.

Since I was woken up by the phone call and not the alarm clock, my initial thought was that D was early, so I relaxed in my bed and greeted him with a very lazy “hello.” He asked me, in a very calm tone, whether I knew what time it was. I glanced at my clock and holy moses, it was almost 2am! That is when I realized that my alarm clock had failed to go off. To worsen the situation, D actually did show up early at 11:15pm with ice-creams cones to surprise me. Since he didn’t know which floor I lived on, the poor guy stood outside my building hopelessly waited for me for three hours while I snoozed away! I quickly ran downstairs.

When I saw him, his shirt was completely soaked by sweat (it was mid-summer and still quite hot at night) and his hands were stained by the chocolate ice-cream that melted in the heat. Even though he didn’t seem to be angry at me, I still apologize profusely. I asked him why he didn’t just take off when he couldn’t reach me, he sweetly replied that he just wanted to make sure I was okay. His patience and sweetness made me feel so incredibly bad that I told him that I would make up to him. Somehow I got the inkling that he thought I intentionally stood him up by not answering my phone. As an attempt to eradicate his false impression, I suggested that we try to catch the same movie at the same time next Friday.

When the next Friday rolled around, I downed two cups of coffee, sat up on my couch and waited for D’s arrival. Here is where the story went from bad to worse. Somehow I fell asleep again! I know, I know, I am a horrible person! This time when I rushed down to D, his face darkened and he looked utterly sad and hurt. No amount of words or apologies could have convinced him that I wasn’t trying to play him, twice!

Our friendship stalled for a while after that, but since D was a nice guy, he eventually was able to forgive and forget, and we moved on to become very good friends. He even bought me an alarm clock as an inside joke!

Three years ago I found myself single after a very long time so I decided to try online dating. I started corresponding with Eric. He told me owned a furniture store which had burned down, a great condo, a couple of cars, etc. After numerous emails and phone calls we decided to meet for an ice cream and walk around a local park. It was a warm day and he shows up wearing a heavy coat and sweating profusely. While we waited in line, he starts to comment about the tattoos on my inner wrist saying how ridiculous they looked (he knew I had tattoos and didn’t have an issue with it until now.) I blew the statement off and we go order our cones. He then tells me he didn’t have time to go to the bank and has no money. I pay the $4 and we go sit on a bench. He then starts to ask me how long I would wait to move in with someone. I was already done with the date so I told him two years.

He then tells me his ex has a restraining order against him, but “the bitch deserved it”. I could not wait to finish my cone and get the heck out of there. I made some excuse and told him I had to go. I was barely out of the park when he calls. He tells me that he thinks he loves me and can’t wait until I become his wife. I quickly get him off the phone and decide not to answer anymore calls. He blew up my phone all night. The messages ranged from asking to borrow $100 so he won’t go to jail to hoping I die because I am such a fucking whore. I saved the messages just in case and forgot about him. Fast forward four months. I accidentally answered a private phone call while getting ready for a cookout. It was Eric. He begged him to go to dinner with him. I got him off the phone telling him I would call later although I had no intention. He called me all day long. Again saying how much he loved me then moving to the die bitch routine. The last message was him masturbating while moaning my name. I took a long break from online dating.

It started off harmless enough – met the guy at a coffee shop, chatted for a good 30 min, asked me if I would like to continue it over drinks at a later date. Sure! Why not? Drinks are harmless and if I could tolerate him while sober, drinks should be easy. He picks me up for our drinks and appetizer date wearing exactly what he was wearing at the coffee shop – backwards cap, flannel, and light stonewashed (I know!) jeans… and he’s 34 years old. I get that we live in a beach town but come on, your first date? Flannel? Anyways…We get to the restaurant and he starts looking really sketched out, looking around as if he’s looking for someone (and not in a good way). I ask him what’s wrong and he replies with;

“Oh sorry. I’m just getting acclimated. I was just drinking wine at home in bed with my dog and now…well…I’m here.” (…I should’ve told him to go back home had I known).

In between our beers and appetizers I learned that he used to do blow every weekend, has ADHD, and when he broke up with his last girlfriend he took off into the mountains to live alone with his dog for five months to recover. But here’s the kicker, we’re eating oysters are he says:

“You know these are an aphrodisiac right?”

Me, “Yes I’ve heard that before…but why?”

“Because it makes your load bigger.”

(Note: NO GIRL ON THIS PLANET WANTS MORE OF IT!)

When the waitress came by to ask if we wanted another drink I said NO, but he said YES! I sat through one more drink then went to the bathroom thinking that when I came back, he’d be done and we could just pay the check and get the hell out of there. When I come back, he’s ordered himself another beer! I thought to myself, “Hell NO!” I told him I was leaving and he actually started arguing with me. I told him I wasn’t feeling him and he just kept asking, “What do you mean?! I thought we were getting drinks! This is SOOOO awkward!” I replied with, “This whole evening has been awkward!” and promptly walked out the door.

He sent me a text on my WALK home saying, “That was the lamest thing I’ve ever experienced. Lose my number.”

“No problem.” Douchebag.

MVWD happened a few years ago, when I waitressed at a strip club. I met a man online, after having a few successful dates through the service. He picked me up and we went to dinner at a nice restaurant. Within five minutes of sitting down, he loudly began talking about how fat the girl near us was. I was a bit offended, because she couldn’t have weighed more than 10 lbs more than me, but I decided to ignore him and continue the date. Then he insulted a gay man he knew, saying how unnatural it is. I informed him that my uncle and several of my friends are gay, and he dropped it. Before our dinner came, he insulted interracial couples and biracial people. While I am not biracial, my sister and brother are, and I told him so. Then he proceeded to insult women who have kids by more than one person, and I informed him that obviously my mother had more than one father, and asked if that made him a whore in his mind. He said, “If the shoe fits.” He attempted to try and convince me to go home with him, and I told him no.

About a week later, I got an email from him asking me to please set him up with one of my stripper friends, at which point I informed him that I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy, unless my worst enemy was an overweight biracial homosexual with kids by several different people. I never heard from him again. I did get lucky some time later with internet dating, and have been with my fiance for 4 years now, after meeting him in a chat room, but that date almost ruined the internet for me.

When I was 20, I gave my number to a guy I met while doing homework at a coffee shop. He was a few years older and an artist. I found out that the bulk of his art was graffiti and vulgar (but funny) fake advertisements he placed over real billboards. I was fascinated by this as a good law-abiding citizen. We had gone out a few times and spent a great deal of time on the phone because he lived 25 miles away. He called and said that he would be in my area to run a few errands and asked if I wanted to come with him and grab some dinner. I obliged.

The first stop was a major craft store. He grabbed a basket and a few canvas bags of the same cobalt color and lined them inside the basket, I thought to make things easier when we checked out. We walked through the store laughing at the ridiculous ceramic chef figurines and over sized wine glasses. He started adding entire rows of acrylic paint to his basket while talking to me. I realized that this technique was not for the convenience, but to shoplift. Just when this light bulb went off, he grabbed my hand and pushed me towards the door. Security was aware of the situation, and we barely escaped the store.

Stunned, poor innocent me, freaked out in the car. Many miles away from home and without my cell phone, I had no choice but to stay in the car. When he pulled up in another parking lot of a similar store, I refused to go in. I ducked down in the car and watched in horror as he ran out of the store pushing a cart with two wicker hampers in it, filled with expensive paints and scrapbooking supplies. After enough of my protests and complaints, he drove me home while crying for subjecting a “good kid” like me to this way of life. He took me to Subway before dropping me off (and he did pay with real money). I didn’t see him again and he wound up in jail briefly for the billboards.

I had settled into the US on a student visa, I didn’t know that many people so I decided to give online dating another shot, having previously done it once before. That’s where I  met X. After a few weeks of back and forth chatter we went on our first date. We chose to meet at the establishment because we lived on opposite ends of the town. I recognised him immediately and vice versa. The date went very well and we seemed to have a lot in common so we agreed to meet again in a few days. On our second date he came dressed in his running shoes (the type with the individual toes), loose vest and tights while I was in a smart dress and heels. He was also sitting in a typical meditation kind pose on his seat which made it a low and awkward start but it wasn’t that bad, I thought. It was a warm evening so we were seated outside. While pleasantly chatting he saw a cat and got very excited that he got on the floor and started calling it over! When it wouldn’t come and he kept making sounds to woo it over. Not only was I embarrassed and avoiding eye contact with the neighbouring diners but at this point any attraction I felt for him had dissipated.

We had already ordered our food so I didn’t stand up to leave, that, and because of anticipating the embarrassment of causing more attention to our table. After the date I told my friends what had happened and they convinced me to give him another chance and not judge him so quickly. I did. They (my friends) came on our next “date,” it was more of a group dinner so they could check him out. During dinner I picked up on a lot of inconsistencies from what he had told me online. One of them was that he wasn’t a writer as he had claimed, it was just something that he “wanted to do,” instead he was an unemployed, 27 year old, grown and capable man living off the support of his parents. He ended the evening with another quirky moment by washing his hands in my (drinking) glass of water and waiting to see my reaction. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of one, rather, I pretended not to notice. Another week or two went by after the dinner and I had been ignoring his calls for as long as possible until a weak moment made me answer and I agreed to meet him for pizza. Even after everything, I felt that I didn’t have enough of an argument to cut things off because although he was socially awkward, he was very sweet man.

When we met, he was already in his meditation pose and tried to get me to  do the same because apparently it’s very uplifting. I refused, and silently decided that I have to tell him off for good that night. During pizza at a convenient moment in the conversation, he told me that he had been diagnosed with a mental illness in his late teen years and was doing his very best to live a healthy life and lifestyle. I told him I was sorry and if he ever needed to talk about it he could and he was one of the kindest and greatest people I’d ever met. I went home thinking about what I had said to him and regretted it. I had over-compensated by  telling him what I thought he wanted to hear but the reality was that I wasn’t prepared for all of that. I was young, had little responsibility, and having the time of my life in a foreign country and didn’t want to have to deal with such major issues- especially not with somebody whose quirks I couldn’t tolerate. I just couldn’t pass my life for him. I’d like to say I took the high road and told him face to face but I didn’t; I ignored his calls, deleted and blocked his emails, and deleted and blocked him off of my Facebook profile.

It was really crowded at this free event I was working and that’s where I met him. A tall, handsome guy with a funny beard and nice voice, we talked a bit as I was running around doing the stuff I had to do to keep the event running and after I finished I gave him my email instead of my phone number along with a slight promise for a future date. After tons of emails and conversations that seemed normal, I gave him my phone number and we arranged to meet for some dinner and despite his efforts I told him to pick me up from the train station near my work. As soon as I got in the car he tried to kiss me, but I kindly told him to back off and we went our merry way to downtown. One hour and a half later we were still in the car since not even one of the countless restaurants we passed was good enough for him. Finally, I snapped and asked him to let me choose one randomly and so I did.

From the moment it took us to walk from the entrance to our table, he transformed from a well-mannered guy to a furious monster who was beating on some random guy. I don’t think that I ever witnessed something like that before. My date was literally all over him, punching and kicking him while everyone else was stunned. Some tried to get him off the poor guy. Cops and an ambulance were called, the latter because he broke that guy’s teeth, nose and two ribs that almost punctured his lung, the former to lock up my date. Now you’ll ask me why he did such thing and I’ll have to tell you that he randomly beat up an unknown man to him because.. wait for it.. because he commented on how I looked. Yes, you read that right. As were passing in front of his table, he said to his friend something along the lines: “Wow, that chick is hot” and apparently that was a good excuse to beat the shit out of him.

I spent half the night giving out statements and the other half in the hospital waiting room waiting to see the victim and say to the guy that I was really sorry for what happened and ask if there was something I could do to help him. In the end, my date was bailed out and kept bombing me with emails and sometimes he still does, saying how sorry he is, how I have to give him another change and how much he has work towards his anger and jealously problems while the random guy proved to be one of the best people I ever met in my life, eventually we became friends and still to this day we look back to what happened and can’t believe it.