One night I met friends to have a nice, quiet cocktail and some good conversation. Instead we had too many cocktails, danced and flirted with all the cute boys we met. I made a game time decision at the end of the night to say goodnight to the ladies and left with the guy I was dancing with all night. Turns out Mr. Wonderful was an unemployed struggling musician who just got fired from his bartending job at a douchey night club. You’d think that would be enough for me to rethink this little venture, but no, I was a real glutton for punishment that night.

We got to his house, which was just a short walk from my favorite coffee shop (which happened to be around the corner from my office). Making small talk I noticed a few pictures of him holding a baby and I remarked on the baby’s cuteness, to which he replies that it is his, and he’s a month old. He then told me that his baby momma lives in Wisconsin, which is too bad because babies are great for picking up chicks. I was rendered speechless and then I noticed he was pulling out the futon in the living room. Taken aback I asked what he was doing. Turns out he sleeps in the living room here because he just moved in with his dad and he doesn’t have a bedroom. WTF? Who brings a girl home to the couch in their dad’s house? The look on my face no doubt betrayed my horror because he said, “No worries, my dad’s cool.” Then he gestured to his gigantic bong that was sitting on the coffee table.

In the morning Mr. Wonderful told me a hilarious story about how he was planning on going over to his ex-girlfriend’s place, but then he met me and I’m “way hotter than her” so he changed his game plan. I’m thinking this whole scenario can’t get any worse. And then it did. I asked for him to give me a lift home, but he said he couldn’t because he and his dad share a minivan and his dad took it to work very early this morning. He’d be home at 11am at which time Mr. Wonderful could drive me home. I didn’t really like this plan. For one thing, Mr. Wonderful’s dad had already seen me asleep on the couch, when he left for work. I didn’t want to have to make awkward and polite chit-chat with the dad when he got home from work. While I rethought my exit strategy, I asked what his dad does to work such odd hours.

Turns out that his dad is my favorite coffee shop guy. Serves me right.

I had just got out of a very long relationship and had literally never dated anyone other than my boyfriend. At a cookout, my mom’s friend kept talking to me about it and saying how her son just went through a similar situation and of course, in her mind, we were perfect for one another. With a lot of hesitation, I agreed to go on a blind date. Joe and I spoke on the phone a few times and finally date night had arrived. I had been at the pool all day with my friends and totally wanted to cancel, but knew I couldn’t. He called and was running super late, which annoyed me, but whatever. He lived a good distance away from me, but he was finally in my neighborhood. Our dinner date was about to begin… at 10:30 p.m. Seriously. I offered to just come down and meet him outside (my long-term ex had just moved out and the apt looked pretty pathetic with no furniture) and almost died when I saw his enormous truck. I literally had to climb up into it.

We head into Georgetown in D.C. and I could just tell we were never going find somewhere to park this thing. Sure enough, no luck. We headed back up town after almost an hour of driving around and finally stopped at a random dive bar. Of course their kitchen was already closed. We stayed and had a few drinks and the conversation seemed to be going well. We did have a lot in common, but I was just not attracted to him in the least. He was older and a little too country for me. I was starting to feel the alcohol considering I hadn’t eaten in hours, so we called it a night. I couldn’t take it any longer with how hungry I was so as soon as we got to my apartment I offered to drive to get food. Nothing was open so we went to the drive through of McDonald’s and took the food back to my place.

We sat on the floor eating McDonald’s while watching TV until he said it was late and he had a long drive. I walked him to the door and was not expecting him to try anything considering I gave no signals that I was wanting anything, so we hugged, but he went in for the kiss. I quickly turned my head which resulted in an awkward half kiss on the cheek type of thing and that was it. The next time he called me I had to break the news I’d met somebody else (lie). The worst part was his mom then emailed me too. Never again will I let a mother set me up!!

He  was gorgeous. I adored him for years. We actually dated when we were back in high school, but things didn’t work out because we were so young. So you could imagine my glee when I ran into him at a college party some odd years later. He asked me out to a movie and I was thrilled. I thought this is my moment. He seemed equally as enthused to go out with me. So we scheduled for the following Saturday evening. Even though we were only going to an $8 movie, I wanted to look my best. I wanted his tongue to be wagging on the floor. So, the day of our date I went shopping for a new outfit and spent the day in the salon getting not only my hair, but my makeup done as well. My heart was pounding as the clock ticked closer to 7 pm. I didn’t hear the doorbell ring but all of a sudden my dad was shouting from downstairs that my date was here (I still lived at home with my parents since I was in college).

When I flew down the stairs, he just had this blank look on his face. He didn’t even tell me I looked nice and I had spent a fortune getting ready for him. The car ride to the theater was silent. He purchased my ticket and didn’t ask me if I wanted anything to eat or drink. He did not hold my hand or even utter one word. He looked liked he was pained to be on the date with me. I felt as if I lost my mojo. Was he drunk when he asked me out? He seemed completely sober. I was beyond perplexed. The car ride back was just as mute. He didn’t even walk me to my door. I felt awful!

When I walked through my front door I saw my parents in the living room downstairs waiting for me and laughing. They asked how the date went. I said it was awful and that he was like a mime. My dad said that he knew why. Here’s the story: What I didn’t know is that I didn’t hear the bell ring when my date arrived because it didn’t ring. It turns out that my parents met for dinner at a restaurant earlier in the evening and took two cars. My dad arrived home earlier than my mom. His stomach was upset from what he ate so he immediately ran to the downstairs bathroom (which is directly next to the front door). He was “using the facilities ” when he heard a car pull up and footsteps coming towards the door. He assumed it was my mother and stood up from the toilet wearing no pants and opened the door with his ding-a-ling hanging out and the bathroom door opened and stinking and said, “Hold on I’m taking a shit!” My date looked at my father in disbelief. This definitely explained his behavior for the night and I could then rest easy knowing that I hadn’t lost my mojo after all.

I found an old high school friend on Facebook, who was single. My birthday was coming up and he flew out to celebrate with me. I invited him to stay at my house, like I would with any other old friend, and the arrangements were that he would take my room and I would sleep in my 17 year-old son’s room. The weekend was going well and we were really hitting it off. He wore a football championship ring, similar to a Super Bowl ring. But, he only went to community college and never even finished, and now is a prosthetic technician. So of course this ring, combined with his 6-foot, six-inch frame, attracted attention everywhere we went. He played on this all weekend.

We got home one night after drinking and one thing led to another and we had sex. Afterward, I left to go back to my son’s room. Everything was all good right? Wrong! My son found a condom wrapper in the trash and went nuts, screaming and telling everyone in my family that I had sex. I was so embarrassed that I insisting on paying for a hotel for the remainder of his stay. As we continued our visit, I noticed more and more I was picking up the tab. Even for my own birthday dinner! When it was time to leave, he asked if I could pay for his baggage fee and if I had $20 so he could have money to eat at the airport. He insisted that when he got home, he was going to send me some money. Of course he didn’t.

When I was 17, I met a guy online who seemed really cute. We met a couple times and went to the park and stuff, and he was very polite and sweet. He invited me to come to his parents house for dinner about a week later. I was sort of nervous but decided to give it a shot. That day I dressed conservatively and prepared myself to meet his folks. He came and picked me up and we drove out to his parents house together. When we arrived at his house, I was a little shocked as it was more of a rundown shack than a house. We got out of the car and went inside to greet everyone. His parents were there and so were his two sisters, both of which had a few young children in tow. His father then looked me up and down in a really sleezy manner. His mother asked me about myself and I told her I was in high school and about what my parents did for a living etc. Mid-sentence, she interrupts me to ask if I had any children yet. I told her I did not, and that I came from a very conservative family. She then went on to explain to me that I was really getting “past my prime” and better start “having kids with her son real soon.” I was horrified and completely uncomfortable. I excused myself to talk to their son in private, and insisted he take me home right away. He made up an excuse for his parents and I practically ran out the door. We got in the car and on the way home, I told him that I just couldn’t continue to see him anymore. He seemed surprised, as though his family was completely normal and that sealed the deal for me, I was done.