One night I met friends to have a nice, quiet cocktail and some good conversation. Instead we had too many cocktails, danced and flirted with all the cute boys we met. I made a game time decision at the end of the night to say goodnight to the ladies and left with the guy I was dancing with all night. Turns out Mr. Wonderful was an unemployed struggling musician who just got fired from his bartending job at a douchey night club. You’d think that would be enough for me to rethink this little venture, but no, I was a real glutton for punishment that night.

We got to his house, which was just a short walk from my favorite coffee shop (which happened to be around the corner from my office). Making small talk I noticed a few pictures of him holding a baby and I remarked on the baby’s cuteness, to which he replies that it is his, and he’s a month old. He then told me that his baby momma lives in Wisconsin, which is too bad because babies are great for picking up chicks. I was rendered speechless and then I noticed he was pulling out the futon in the living room. Taken aback I asked what he was doing. Turns out he sleeps in the living room here because he just moved in with his dad and he doesn’t have a bedroom. WTF? Who brings a girl home to the couch in their dad’s house? The look on my face no doubt betrayed my horror because he said, “No worries, my dad’s cool.” Then he gestured to his gigantic bong that was sitting on the coffee table.

In the morning Mr. Wonderful told me a hilarious story about how he was planning on going over to his ex-girlfriend’s place, but then he met me and I’m “way hotter than her” so he changed his game plan. I’m thinking this whole scenario can’t get any worse. And then it did. I asked for him to give me a lift home, but he said he couldn’t because he and his dad share a minivan and his dad took it to work very early this morning. He’d be home at 11am at which time Mr. Wonderful could drive me home. I didn’t really like this plan. For one thing, Mr. Wonderful’s dad had already seen me asleep on the couch, when he left for work. I didn’t want to have to make awkward and polite chit-chat with the dad when he got home from work. While I rethought my exit strategy, I asked what his dad does to work such odd hours.

Turns out that his dad is my favorite coffee shop guy. Serves me right.

I had just got out of a very long relationship and had literally never dated anyone other than my boyfriend. At a cookout, my mom’s friend kept talking to me about it and saying how her son just went through a similar situation and of course, in her mind, we were perfect for one another. With a lot of hesitation, I agreed to go on a blind date. Joe and I spoke on the phone a few times and finally date night had arrived. I had been at the pool all day with my friends and totally wanted to cancel, but knew I couldn’t. He called and was running super late, which annoyed me, but whatever. He lived a good distance away from me, but he was finally in my neighborhood. Our dinner date was about to begin… at 10:30 p.m. Seriously. I offered to just come down and meet him outside (my long-term ex had just moved out and the apt looked pretty pathetic with no furniture) and almost died when I saw his enormous truck. I literally had to climb up into it.

We head into Georgetown in D.C. and I could just tell we were never going find somewhere to park this thing. Sure enough, no luck. We headed back up town after almost an hour of driving around and finally stopped at a random dive bar. Of course their kitchen was already closed. We stayed and had a few drinks and the conversation seemed to be going well. We did have a lot in common, but I was just not attracted to him in the least. He was older and a little too country for me. I was starting to feel the alcohol considering I hadn’t eaten in hours, so we called it a night. I couldn’t take it any longer with how hungry I was so as soon as we got to my apartment I offered to drive to get food. Nothing was open so we went to the drive through of McDonald’s and took the food back to my place.

We sat on the floor eating McDonald’s while watching TV until he said it was late and he had a long drive. I walked him to the door and was not expecting him to try anything considering I gave no signals that I was wanting anything, so we hugged, but he went in for the kiss. I quickly turned my head which resulted in an awkward half kiss on the cheek type of thing and that was it. The next time he called me I had to break the news I’d met somebody else (lie). The worst part was his mom then emailed me too. Never again will I let a mother set me up!!

MVWD  happened in my second week of university.  I’d met a girl through our LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) organization who seemed nice enough and was quite pretty.  We were in the same halls of residence and one evening she asked me to come up and watch a film with her. When I got up there she had some music on and asked me what I’d like to listen to. I was neutral and suggested something I figured she’d like based on what was already playing, to which she promptly ignored the idea and put on something else.

Then she asked me which film I would like to watch. Being a bit of a film snob (apart from my love of Mean Girls) I wasn’t impressed with the DVDs she had in her room, but it was fine, and we settled down to watch the least gross-out comedy-type of the bunch: White Chicks. That was when she started talking about “lovely” girl she’d met and slept with the other night, but this other woman had gone onto reject a relationship with her. This went on for a while with me nodding and trying to stay awake until she ended the diatribe with “but I think you’re really pretty.” Bored, looking for some action, and not wanting her to pile issues on me again, I kissed her.

So we were making out for a while and it was fine. She took off her top, but then when I went to actually touch her down there she jumped off me and burst into tears. It was then I found out she was in love with an American girl who she’d never met or heard the voice of on the internet. This is where the “date” should have ended. Unfortunately, I listened to her woes and tried to help her out, gave advice and all that for what felt like five-plus hours. She asked if I would stay over (bear in mind she was still topless here) so we spooned and went to sleep, but not before she made a jibe about how my fingers smelt of cigarettes.

The next morning as we left her block she saw someone she’d befriended and convinced me to kiss her right there. And I did. And then went back to my room feeling pretty used and pretty confused.

One night, a coworker of mine showed up in my office and flirted with me until I was finished with my shift and I ended up agreeing to go on a date with him. A couple days later, he showed up in my office just as I was about to get out of work. He told me he spent the whole day in bed being sick, but came because he “needed” to go on this date with me (which was totally unplanned). I was a little thrown off guard but agreed to go out with him. He had to run up to his office to grab something so I told him I’d just meet him in the lobby after I closed up. As I was waiting, he proceeded to walk past me without even acknowledging my existence, since another coworker happened to be waiting there as well. Although I was a tad pissed, I tried to understand since gossip spreads quickly in a small office. It took 15 minutes worth of cryptic phone calls to find one another.

We went to his place and without consulting me he called up a Chinese place. He got “the usual,” which ended up to be nasty mock duck with onions and noodles, all of which I hate. The whole time we ate, he asked me a lot of serious questions for a first date. For example, he wanted to know if I saw myself living in the state for a really long time because he was not moving any time soon. Right after I answered that I didn’t really know he looked at me and said, “Well, we could always travel a lot.” I was a bit freaked out so I decided to go outside for a smoke to try to think of how to get out of the situation. He followed me out and explained that I should probably quit the habit since it’s been proven to make it harder for women to get pregnant. I smoked another one out of spite.

He brought me a bottle of wine, as I was about to try to get out of this situation and begged me to watch a movie with him while he let his stomach settle. Being the nice person I am I accepted. About five minutes into the previews the sickness came back. He left for 20 minutes and came back with a handful of antacids. Then he proceeded to lay his head on my lap, sleeping through the movie as I drank the bottle myself. When the movie was over he was super upset that he missed it and that I already wanted to smoke again. When I went back in from smoking and cursing the bus system, he had passed out hard. I had no choice but to sleep on the very uncomfortable leather couch.

It was one of the most awkward mornings ever and I still see him almost every day.

I met M through a dating service. His description: tall, brown hair, loved the outdoors, enjoyed wine festivals, art, football and basketball, and enjoyed exercising. The person that walked through the door on the day of our did not match that description. He was tall but was completely bald and although he may have worked out in the past, it had to be at least five years prior. But I thought maybe he was a match personality-wise. Sadly, no. His version of loving the outdoors was four-wheeling and his hobbies included collecting and shooting machine guns.

He also lived with his parents. There’s nothing wrong with living with your parents when you’re growing up or even for a few years in your twenties. My experience has led me to believe that guys who live with their parents tend to expect the women in their lives to take over the role of mommy. Maybe there are ladies who dream of washing his clothing, making all their meals, and generally catering to his every desire but I am not one of them. The last straw for me was sadly none of these things. I have a dog I adore. I previously thought most guys would dig a chick with a dog, but this was not the case with M.

After he revealed that his careers included bail bondsman and proprietor of a liquor store, and talked in detail about his personal weapon arsenal, I told him I really had to get going as I had to go feed my dog. His response was that I should think about euthanizing my dog so that I could go out more. I sat there stunned until he chuckled and said it was just a joke and that I really needed to lighten up. I began to question the wisdom of ever dating another man again.

I’m not sure why I decided to go out with this guy again after he told me I had “man hands” on our first date (while he was holding them), then proceeded to mention that he “could keep both of his hands warm with one of mine” (I think he was trying to turn me on). We split an appetizer (instead of ordering dinner) while he flirted with the waitress all night. I decided to blow him off, but as as the week passed he wore down my resistance and I decided  to give it another shot. The second date was far worse. I met up with him at a restaurant and he greeted me with “You’re late,”  proceeded to order himself dinner and asked me if I wanted a drink (lucky me). He was wearing extremely tight white pants and a tight white shirt in January. He proceeded to tell me, with food falling out of his mouth, that I had something on my face and I should go check it out in the bathroom. I got up to leave and when I came back, found that he had drank my entire drink .

So we left and I said bye to my two friends that worked there and we were walking away and he said, “Oh man they are so cute. Don’t you just want to bring them with us?” So we got to the next bar and he ordered us both drinks, then started salsa dancing to rap music (we were the only ones dancing) and he kept lifting my “man”hands above his head and twirling beneath them like a ballerina. I went to grab something out of my purse and turned around to find him chugging another drink of mine. So I tried to figure out a way to get out of the rest of the evening and said, “Well I gotta meet up with my friends to dance,” but he insisted on tagging along. We got to our final destination and I asked him if he wanted anything. I bought two drinks, gave him one and set mine down and start talking to my friends while he continued to make a fool of himself on the dance floor. He drank his drink, started grinding on another girl and picked up my drink. Finally, I said, “Hey that’s mine!!” He stayed with the girl the rest of the evening and end up getting her number in front of me, so I finally snuck out .

The next day he texted me, “I’m sorry if you were offended by me hitting on that girl, but you seemed more interested in talking to your friends than dancing with me.” Fair enough.

For high school, I attended a very strict boarding school that required us to wear uniforms. There were certain rules governing who was allowed to fraternize with whom. Of course, being a young girl at a predominantly male school, I found a boy who was against the rules. We wanted to go out one night, but only certain students were allowed to have vehicles so we were in a crunch. We found another “illegal” couple who had a vehicle so we all went out to the old, abandoned airport. You could drive along the runways and during the summer and they would have drag races. Well, the four of us were out there driving around until we found a suitable spot to park. Since there was only one back seat available, we had to take turns fooling around. It wasn’t our turn so my date and I we were walking around outside. We smelled something funny, like pumpkin (it was in the fall season) so I didn’t think too much about it. We took another step and there was something on my shoe. I didn’t think anything of it and stuck my finger in it to see what was on my shoe.

Apparently, dogs eat pumpkin because I had dog poop on my hand and foot. I wanted to cry and the guy I was with started laughing so hard he was jumping up and down and running away from me. He was practically rolling on the ground laughing at me when he came back over to me, put his arm around my shoulder and said, “Don’t worry, shit happens.”  It was very traumatic for a 15 year old girl. Being in uniform, we didn’t have a lot of resources to clean me up with so during his laughter he handed me his handkerchief that he was required to carry and I tried as best as I could not to cry.  We got the other couple and told them we need to go so we headed off to a gas station to so I could wash my hands. Before we say anything about what happened the other guy asked, “Why does it smell like dog shit in here?”  That comment only lead to further laughing from my “friend” who tried to explain the situation between laughing and breathing. I wanted to disappear. After returning to school, let’s just say my relationship with my date didn’t take off, but we remained platonic friends.

I was set up with “John,” a hockey teammate of a friend. All my pal knew was that John was cute and single. What he didn’t know was that John had an obsession with his dog. The first time I went over to John’s the dog ran up and peed on my sandaled feet. Trying to play it cool (and not punt the cocker spaniel across the room) I just said “oopsies” and grabbed a paper towel. I had no idea the dog was sending the message that I was on her turf. I went out with John a couple of times. One night, I arrived at John’s place after work, starving and ready for a relaxing evening. We turned on the TV and basically tucked the dog in for the evening before leaving. As we sat down to dinner he told me he ate a late lunch so he wasn’t going to eat, but I could get something. Awesome! I love being the only person at the table eating. He did offer to take me to the store so I could buy cereal or something. Tempting but I decided to eat there.

After picking at my appetizer and suffering through stimulating conversation including how he would make a great husband because he just likes to stay home and smoke pot or how he has to check with his mom before deciding weekend plans, I for some reason asked what adventure was next for the evening. He said he wanted to take me to a movie, but wasn’t sure if he could leave his baby home alone that long. Trying to be sensitive and not say, “IT’S A DOG – IT WILL BE FINE!!!” I suggested we watch a movie at his place. While watching the movie, the dog wedged itself between us on the couch but we somehow ended up making out and decided to move it to the other room. As I entered the bedroom, I turned around and John was completely naked holding a condom. I was completely clothed and frankly, stunned he could move that fast. Luckily, one of my greatest strengths seems to be killing the mood so after I told him we were not “there yet” we ended up just lying on the bed watching TV, me fully clothed, him totally naked. Enter the dog.

The dog jumped up on the bed and started licking John’s junk! The dog went straight for it and John did not move – like that was the most normal thing in the world. I sat there in disbelief and nothing changed until I screamed. His response was “oh yeah” as he scooted the dog away. I decided it was time for me to leave – forever. I got up and hit the road and the last thing I heard from him was “Don’t I get a hug?”

My Very Worst Date happened at the beginning of my dating career. I thought I was a goth kid and therefore saw no issue in dating a dirty 17 year-old kid with washed-out blue hair and a bad unibrow. We’ll call him K. We hung out at his house before going out (of course, his room was in the basement) and my first alarm should have gone off when I saw the scantily clad anime girl poster covering an ENTIRE wall. He readily admitted that he watched hentai (cartoon porn), but me being in total denial of that being weird, I said nothing. We ended up going to a movie and wandering around the downtown area afterward. We were sitting in the grass and the date was actually going quite well. We were laughing and joking and I playfully smacked his arm for some reason. He moaned and admitted that he was a masochist and asked me to hit him again. I did not. For some reason, I dated this kid for about three months, which ended in a fight where he left 20 something crying messages on my cell phone when I went to take a 15 minute shower. I told him to grow some balls and call me back when it happened. I haven’t heard from him since.

After breaking up with an ass of an ex, my best friend persuaded me to give Match.com a try as she’d had success on it and thought I would too. I met a few really nice people off the site and managed to filter most of the booty call-type messages, but it seems one slipped through the net. His photo was good, his profile was well written and although I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to go out with someone who was separated with three kids, I thought it wouldn’t be fair to be picky and he may just be right for me. We messaged a couple of times over the site and as I favour meeting up for a drink rather than spending months chatting online only to be disappointed scenario, we swapped numbers and arranged an after work drink and meal in town.

He rolled up late, which was fine as I knew he had a 30 minute journey in rush hour, so I’d bought a book loosely relative to the degree I am studying (criminology). He ordered a coffee, asked me if I was okay with him smoking (I smoke too, but usually make a rule of not smoking on a date) and lit up. He noticed the book I was reading and asked the normal, utterly unfunny questions about whether I was studying to be a criminal, etc. After about 40 minutes, with his coffee gone and my wine pretty much on the dredges, he asked me what I was up to that evening. I said that I thought we had arranged to have dinner, to which he remarked that he’d spent most his money today buying an XBox. He said he wasn’t really hungry but could we go back to mine?

I have a general rule that I never ever get into a car with someone on the first date, much less show them where I live, so I declined. He then spent 10 minutes assuring me he wasn’t a murderer like I read in my books, that he just wanted to drop me home. I still declined. Then he came out with an utter bombshell:

“I was hoping to get a blow job and stick my cock up your arse,” he said.

WTF? He started nervously laughing and I laughed so hard I nearly cried. When he realised I wasn’t laughing with him, but at him, he stood up to pay the drinks bill. Me, being polite, felt it was only fair to “thank” him for the date and drink so I waited for him. Five minutes turned into 10, and then into 15, and I figured he’d made a run for it, so I collected my stuff ready to leave when he appeared at the doorway. He said he’d paid for the drinks and asked me once more if I’d like a lift home.

I discovered why he had been gone so long.

“I just had a wank in the toilets, thinking about your tits,” he explained.

I thanked him, then laughed the entire way home. He rang me a few times, and texted me once to ask, “Was I a bit full on?” I never gave him the grace of replying – I’ll let him mull that one over.