I’m not sure why I decided to go out with this guy again after he told me I had “man hands” on our first date (while he was holding them), then proceeded to mention that he “could keep both of his hands warm with one of mine” (I think he was trying to turn me on). We split an appetizer (instead of ordering dinner) while he flirted with the waitress all night. I decided to blow him off, but as as the week passed he wore down my resistance and I decided  to give it another shot. The second date was far worse. I met up with him at a restaurant and he greeted me with “You’re late,”  proceeded to order himself dinner and asked me if I wanted a drink (lucky me). He was wearing extremely tight white pants and a tight white shirt in January. He proceeded to tell me, with food falling out of his mouth, that I had something on my face and I should go check it out in the bathroom. I got up to leave and when I came back, found that he had drank my entire drink .

So we left and I said bye to my two friends that worked there and we were walking away and he said, “Oh man they are so cute. Don’t you just want to bring them with us?” So we got to the next bar and he ordered us both drinks, then started salsa dancing to rap music (we were the only ones dancing) and he kept lifting my “man”hands above his head and twirling beneath them like a ballerina. I went to grab something out of my purse and turned around to find him chugging another drink of mine. So I tried to figure out a way to get out of the rest of the evening and said, “Well I gotta meet up with my friends to dance,” but he insisted on tagging along. We got to our final destination and I asked him if he wanted anything. I bought two drinks, gave him one and set mine down and start talking to my friends while he continued to make a fool of himself on the dance floor. He drank his drink, started grinding on another girl and picked up my drink. Finally, I said, “Hey that’s mine!!” He stayed with the girl the rest of the evening and end up getting her number in front of me, so I finally snuck out .

The next day he texted me, “I’m sorry if you were offended by me hitting on that girl, but you seemed more interested in talking to your friends than dancing with me.” Fair enough.

I was set up with “John,” a hockey teammate of a friend. All my pal knew was that John was cute and single. What he didn’t know was that John had an obsession with his dog. The first time I went over to John’s the dog ran up and peed on my sandaled feet. Trying to play it cool (and not punt the cocker spaniel across the room) I just said “oopsies” and grabbed a paper towel. I had no idea the dog was sending the message that I was on her turf. I went out with John a couple of times. One night, I arrived at John’s place after work, starving and ready for a relaxing evening. We turned on the TV and basically tucked the dog in for the evening before leaving. As we sat down to dinner he told me he ate a late lunch so he wasn’t going to eat, but I could get something. Awesome! I love being the only person at the table eating. He did offer to take me to the store so I could buy cereal or something. Tempting but I decided to eat there.

After picking at my appetizer and suffering through stimulating conversation including how he would make a great husband because he just likes to stay home and smoke pot or how he has to check with his mom before deciding weekend plans, I for some reason asked what adventure was next for the evening. He said he wanted to take me to a movie, but wasn’t sure if he could leave his baby home alone that long. Trying to be sensitive and not say, “IT’S A DOG – IT WILL BE FINE!!!” I suggested we watch a movie at his place. While watching the movie, the dog wedged itself between us on the couch but we somehow ended up making out and decided to move it to the other room. As I entered the bedroom, I turned around and John was completely naked holding a condom. I was completely clothed and frankly, stunned he could move that fast. Luckily, one of my greatest strengths seems to be killing the mood so after I told him we were not “there yet” we ended up just lying on the bed watching TV, me fully clothed, him totally naked. Enter the dog.

The dog jumped up on the bed and started licking John’s junk! The dog went straight for it and John did not move – like that was the most normal thing in the world. I sat there in disbelief and nothing changed until I screamed. His response was “oh yeah” as he scooted the dog away. I decided it was time for me to leave – forever. I got up and hit the road and the last thing I heard from him was “Don’t I get a hug?”

MVWD was back in 1989, when I had just moved into a new town and begin my first real job. I was working for an area fitness center and had the opportunity to meet many people, but not many who I would call dating material. Keep in mind that I was living in a small town and everyone knew everyone. So a co-worker set me up with a friend of hers to attend a Halloween costume party. I went dressed as a reporter thinking that way I could look nice and also not give the wrong impression. My blind date showed up at my apartment dressed in a trench coat and socks and shoes. I didn’t ask him what he was dressed as until we were driving to the party.  He said he would tell me at the party so I thought he dressed as a woman.

Much to my shock when we arrived at the party he was dressed as a flasher. Now his private parts were covered with fur-covered jock strap, but he was walking around the whole time at the party flashing everyone. Obviously I did not socialize much with him at the party. When it was time to go home he asked why I didn’t talk much and all could say was that I really didn’t think we were  going to hang out much. I did not go out with him again but he kept showing up at my door on off for a couple weeks still wondering why I didn’t like him.

A few years ago I met this guy online, we’ll call him “Mike.” Mike and I had been talking for about two years online and on the phone before we met and he showed no signs of weirdness. We finally decided to meet up at my local mall. The second I saw him walk up I immediately wanted out. He was probably the palest, skinniest person I had ever seen and he was wearing a black trench coat in July and black platform boots. He said he was 6 feet tall, but I’m only 5’8″ and he still wasn’t taller than me, even with those horrid boots. After we walked around for awhile, he walked up to a mirror that was on the wall, took out a 4″ knife and started shaving his face with it.

We continue our stroll and he decided it was appropriate to grab me by the shoulders and lick my cheek. I have no idea what was going on in his head that made him think it was okay to do that. Then he said he was hungry, so he got a pretzel and we sat down at a table. While he was eating he grabbed my hands and got butter and pretzel salt all over them. Finally, I suggested a movie. It was a definite “boy” movie, with lots of action and guns and I figured I could slip out during it and get the hell out of there.  While we were watching the previews I felt something on my chest. I looked down and he was grabbing my left boob. It’s not like we were making out or something, we were just sitting there! I pushed him away and excused myself to the restroom and never went back. I’m just glad I made it out alive.

I met this dude online and we talked for like a month before he finally asked me out. I had to drive an hour and a half away from my home to meet him and of course I got lost. I finally arrived at one of those movie theatre/restaurant jobs, you know? Well, you’re supposed to get there 45 minutes early to make sure you have a good seat and order your food. Well I was there. Alone. I sat in that parking lot for 50 freaking minutes. He periodically sent me texts saying, his “neighbors dog got mud on me” and he had to change and that he was “lost” or “just a few exits away.” Right as I was getting too fed up to stay he pulled in. Since it was too late to see the movie and I was too pissed off to discuss what we were doing, he said we should go to a nearby sushi place that was one of his favorites.

I was an idiot and followed him in my car. He pulled over into a pawn shop to tell me that he was lost and we had to go a different way. This guy had supposedly lived in that town for two years and he couldn’t find his favorite sushi place? He finally found it and it was a dump. I got out of the car to meet him and lo and behold, he was at least three inches shorter than he claimed to be. He also was quite a chunky guy with small soft hands. The sushi chef waved at my date, who was bragging that his family comes here all the time. We sat down at our table and the chef sent over something “special” for us to try because my date was “such a valued customer.” Not 15 minutes later I realized I had food poisoning. I mean, I got the shits. Bad. So there I was in some sushi dump having to go number two. The entire time I was just trying to not crap myself, he was endlessly talking. Not much eating was going on at our table, what with me barely staying in my seat and running to the bathroom and him not shutting up.

When it seemed like the evening of hell was almost over and I’d already told him that we would not be going elsewhere for drinks, he stood up to pay the bill and the piece de resistance was revealed. He had popped a chub. In the restaurant. That douche hadn’t complimented me once that whole night or apologized for being late and yet he was sporting a woody. Did I want to see him again? Hell no. Driving home that night I had to stop twice in order to use the bathroom at gas stations. You know what pissed me off the most? I bought new underwear for this date and I ruined them thanks to that shitty sushi. Eighteen dollars down the toilet (literally).

My Very Worst Date happened when I was 16. It was the first (and last) blind date that I’d ever been on and also happened to be my second date ever.  A friend of mine set me up with a friend of her older brother’s, said that he was 19, and that he was great. It was arranged for him to pick me up from her house so she could help me get ready. He picked me up and we went to dinner at a local restaurant. The conversation started out normal with typical first date awkward introductory small talk, but it came out that he was actually 24, and didn’t seem to care that I was 16. Things quickly soured when he started asking me some personal questions. Like REALLY personal. He started asking me about my sexual experiences, using graphic detail. To my horror, the line of questioning got even worse when he started asking me about my menstruation cycle and if it was regular enough to ensure a quick pregnancy.

Thankfully we left the restaurant and I began to complain of an imaginary illness to try and extract myself from this hell as soon as possible. He insisted that we get some ice cream and ignored my protests. Once we got there I managed to convince him to get it to go and eat in the car. The second my butt hit the seat, he launched himself on to me and made wild attempts to kiss me. Absolutely stricken with panic, I shoved him away, and demanded that he take me home. In the melee he had knocked my ice cream on to my lap and it had spilled on my skirt. Spying the spill on my lap he put his arm across my chest to prevent me from bending over (soccer mom sudden stop style) and proceeded to lick the ice cream off my skirt. I screamed bloody murder, hit his head as hard as I could and jumped out of the car.  I ran into the ice cream shop, locked myself in the bathroom and called my dad to pick me up.

It was, without a doubt, the worst date I have ever been on.

In my sophomore year of college I hit a dating slump. I was exceptionally shy, so my roommate played matchmaker and set me up on a blind date. One of her friends suggested her ex-boyfriend, which  seemed like a curious arrangement. I couldn’t imagine offering up one of my ex’s for someone to date. He purportedly attended our school, but I was not sure I had ever seen him before even though my roommate swore that we had met or at least been in each other’s company in a large group before. When he came to pick me up, I realized why he had not registered in my memory: he was not my type at all. He took me to a dollar movie, which was actually a very popular activity in our campus town, so I didn’t think anything of how cheap it was. We barely spoke as the theater filled with happier couples and groups. The movie was uneventful, but what came after the movie was memorable.

We drove to a local coffee house down the street from our campus. We ordered two small, inexpensive (in my opinion) drinks. My date paid for the drinks with a credit card. When he received the slip the trouble started. He determined that he had been overcharged by one penny. My date demanded that the barista re-run his credit card with the correct amount. The barista explained he couldn’t re-run the card for a penny. He offered my date a penny in cash, but this was not good enough. My date became irate and was shouting and pounding the counter. The barista became defensive (I didn’t blame him). I tried to shoot the staff a sympathetic look. When a line of irritable customers began to form behind my date, I slinked away to a distant table. Eventually he gave up and found me at the table. He loudly complained about the inherent laziness and crappiness of ‘blue-collar’ workers. I slurped my smoothie and hoped that he would stop talking and start drinking so we could leave.

As we neared my dorm on our way home, my date announced that he was going to take me on a drive instead. I was cripplingly shy around strangers at this time and exceptionally embarrassed and shocked by the night’s events. I couldn’t speak the protestations that were screaming in my head. I watched helplessly as my dorm slipped from sight. As he began to chat about his summer job, how much money he had saved, his wage and his money-saving tips, I began to imagine the merits of ejecting myself from the car. I could see myself opening the door and rolling into the street. I decided a broken bone or two would be totally worth escaping his tiny car, his bad breath, his boring conversation and his abominable behavior. At long, long last he took me home. I prayed a silent prayer for thanks for the “no boy” policy in my dorm and ran to my room.

A short time passed with little to no contact from him (he occasionally attempted to message me on AIM, to which I signed off or said I was busy with homework). I arrived early to campus at the tail-end of spring break. None of my friends or girls on my floor had returned, so I was alone for the evening. I was checking my email and dicking around on the internet in our tiny dorm room when I got a message from him. He asked if I wanted to grab some dinner. I weighed my options and assuming we were going to the cafeteria, I decided to let him join me. He called a short time later to let me know he was in the lobby of my dorm. I was wearing my most hideous sweats and felt this sent the right message, so I ran downstairs. There he stood in a suit and tie. He looked at me with a look of slight confusion and disgust. He told me we were going to a (very nice and expensive) Italian restaurant. I thought of nicely arguing that I was too under dressed for that place, but one look at his suit, tie and perfectly coiffed hair told me he had already made up his mind. My heart sank and I reluctantly said okay.

I cringed inwardly when we arrived, realizing exactly how under-dressed I really was. We sat down to eat, and I decided to order a small side salad in hopes he’d take a hint and because I felt guilty for the miscommunication. He ordered a full (unfortunately garlicky) meal and ate slowly while he (again, loudly) discussed money and (randomly) his seemingly vicious hatred of gays. I had had enough. I argued with his ignorant statements and stood my ground, which was completely uncharacteristic for me to do. When the bill came I offered to pay for my food. He instantly accepted and counted the money I handed him. I was appalled, though I really shouldn’t have been. We drove back to the dorms in silence. This time he did not attempt to take me on a drive and I never heard from him again. I am surprised he didn’t ask me for gas money. I later discussed the dates, both planned and unintentional, with my roommate. She then informed me that her friend (his ex-girlfriend) was very sure that he was gay. My roommate is still my best friend, but I cannot forgive this most horrible set up of all time. I’m still convinced it was some kind of practical joke on her part.

I had gone out on two pretty good dates with this one guy, when we met up the day after Thanksgiving for a movie and a little shopping. He showed up late to our third date, but I really didn’t think much of it. Right before the movie, we were chatting, and he casually mentioned the reason why he was late was that he wasn’t feeling well, and he had a bit of an accident. As in crapped his pants accident. I’m thinking to myself, “Only this shit would happen to me. Literally.”  So, the movie starts and I couldn’t escape. After the movie, I unwisely agreed to go get coffee. While waiting for our drinks he interrupted me mid-sentence to mention that I seemed rather bossy because I ordered soy with no whipped cream (I’m lactose intolerant) and that threw me off a bit. Miffed, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I agreed to go to a close-out sale at a nearby linen store, since I wanted new sheets. I found the sheets I wanted and he also decided to buy a set. Then he looked at me and asked, “Why are we both buying the same sheet set if we’re going to live together someday?”  He asked me out for a fourth date, but I replied, “Thanks, but I’m not really feeling it” and left.

I’d met this guy online during a time that I decided I would date around. We talked online and by phone for a few weeks before we decided to meet. He claimed he was some kind of promoter in the music industry and he drove from two hours away to meet me at my house. Since he’d driven so far, I did the rest of the driving. He wasn’t nearly as trim as he’d looked in his pictures and had on way too much jewelry (a pinky ring and some of those weird chain necklaces), and dressed like a wannabe pimp, but I hoped this wasn’t his usual getup and brushed it off. We went to one of the local favorites for hanging out and drinking. I tried to just enjoy a buzz so that it wouldn’t feel nearly so much like the horrible date that it was, but I think it was fairly clear to other people that it was going bad.

I’d text messaged one of my friends though before he and I had even left the house to COME HELP ME NOW. So she was hanging out with us, but the date itself was awkward, and when we got back to my house (where his car was) he was tired. He ended up sleeping over (no hint I dropped could get him to leave) because he “didn’t need to get up” early the next day. Since I didn’t want to be completely rude to a guy who’d driven two hours and bought me dinner and drinks, we hung out, playing with my dog and talking. He told me how it was amazing we’d gotten to this point, how he never thought we’d get here, and asked me what I thought about our future together. We’d known each other for maybe only a few weeks, and this was our first time meeting- how could I feel about it?

Somehow he ended up passing out on my bed. I couldn’t sleep and even woke him up once and took him outside to “look at the moon,” because I was trying to get him out. He just thought the moon was pretty and said so and then went back inside. At one point in the early morning I got up and drove a half an hour to meet a friend because I was so frustrated. I came back around 7 am and told him to leave because my dad would be up soon and be upset there was a guy at my house. He made fun of me for that, asking if I was 17 or something. I reminded him “No, I’m 21, but he doesn’t like guys being over at my house overnight.” He was dragging his feet and while I was brushing my teeth I snapped at him “GET UP!” All of this course was a lie, but it got him the hell out of my home. We never spoke again, though I did find some of his jewelry lying around my house.

I usually find myself at the gay bar on Friday nights laying my head on the table in utter boredom. One night, I was hanging out with friends when this really hot guy started walking my way. We did that whole awkward walk/dance where you don’t know who is turning which direction. We both laughed and smiled and began talking and exchanged numbers. We met up for dinner the next night and he asked me why I had been ignoring his calls. At this point I was a little lost. His tone turned very nasty and I still had no idea what he was talking about. He grabbed his drink and tossed it in my face in front of a packed restaurant as he stormed out. I was furious, not because I was just embarrassed in public, but because he just ruined the new Marc Jacobs shirt that I just bought. With rum and Coke dripping off my face I got up and tripped on the foot of the chair. The whole restaurant watched as I shook it off and said I was okay. Months later, he apologized for having confused me with someone else.