One night I met friends to have a nice, quiet cocktail and some good conversation. Instead we had too many cocktails, danced and flirted with all the cute boys we met. I made a game time decision at the end of the night to say goodnight to the ladies and left with the guy I was dancing with all night. Turns out Mr. Wonderful was an unemployed struggling musician who just got fired from his bartending job at a douchey night club. You’d think that would be enough for me to rethink this little venture, but no, I was a real glutton for punishment that night.

We got to his house, which was just a short walk from my favorite coffee shop (which happened to be around the corner from my office). Making small talk I noticed a few pictures of him holding a baby and I remarked on the baby’s cuteness, to which he replies that it is his, and he’s a month old. He then told me that his baby momma lives in Wisconsin, which is too bad because babies are great for picking up chicks. I was rendered speechless and then I noticed he was pulling out the futon in the living room. Taken aback I asked what he was doing. Turns out he sleeps in the living room here because he just moved in with his dad and he doesn’t have a bedroom. WTF? Who brings a girl home to the couch in their dad’s house? The look on my face no doubt betrayed my horror because he said, “No worries, my dad’s cool.” Then he gestured to his gigantic bong that was sitting on the coffee table.

In the morning Mr. Wonderful told me a hilarious story about how he was planning on going over to his ex-girlfriend’s place, but then he met me and I’m “way hotter than her” so he changed his game plan. I’m thinking this whole scenario can’t get any worse. And then it did. I asked for him to give me a lift home, but he said he couldn’t because he and his dad share a minivan and his dad took it to work very early this morning. He’d be home at 11am at which time Mr. Wonderful could drive me home. I didn’t really like this plan. For one thing, Mr. Wonderful’s dad had already seen me asleep on the couch, when he left for work. I didn’t want to have to make awkward and polite chit-chat with the dad when he got home from work. While I rethought my exit strategy, I asked what his dad does to work such odd hours.

Turns out that his dad is my favorite coffee shop guy. Serves me right.

MVWD  happened in my second week of university.  I’d met a girl through our LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) organization who seemed nice enough and was quite pretty.  We were in the same halls of residence and one evening she asked me to come up and watch a film with her. When I got up there she had some music on and asked me what I’d like to listen to. I was neutral and suggested something I figured she’d like based on what was already playing, to which she promptly ignored the idea and put on something else.

Then she asked me which film I would like to watch. Being a bit of a film snob (apart from my love of Mean Girls) I wasn’t impressed with the DVDs she had in her room, but it was fine, and we settled down to watch the least gross-out comedy-type of the bunch: White Chicks. That was when she started talking about “lovely” girl she’d met and slept with the other night, but this other woman had gone onto reject a relationship with her. This went on for a while with me nodding and trying to stay awake until she ended the diatribe with “but I think you’re really pretty.” Bored, looking for some action, and not wanting her to pile issues on me again, I kissed her.

So we were making out for a while and it was fine. She took off her top, but then when I went to actually touch her down there she jumped off me and burst into tears. It was then I found out she was in love with an American girl who she’d never met or heard the voice of on the internet. This is where the “date” should have ended. Unfortunately, I listened to her woes and tried to help her out, gave advice and all that for what felt like five-plus hours. She asked if I would stay over (bear in mind she was still topless here) so we spooned and went to sleep, but not before she made a jibe about how my fingers smelt of cigarettes.

The next morning as we left her block she saw someone she’d befriended and convinced me to kiss her right there. And I did. And then went back to my room feeling pretty used and pretty confused.

One night, a coworker of mine showed up in my office and flirted with me until I was finished with my shift and I ended up agreeing to go on a date with him. A couple days later, he showed up in my office just as I was about to get out of work. He told me he spent the whole day in bed being sick, but came because he “needed” to go on this date with me (which was totally unplanned). I was a little thrown off guard but agreed to go out with him. He had to run up to his office to grab something so I told him I’d just meet him in the lobby after I closed up. As I was waiting, he proceeded to walk past me without even acknowledging my existence, since another coworker happened to be waiting there as well. Although I was a tad pissed, I tried to understand since gossip spreads quickly in a small office. It took 15 minutes worth of cryptic phone calls to find one another.

We went to his place and without consulting me he called up a Chinese place. He got “the usual,” which ended up to be nasty mock duck with onions and noodles, all of which I hate. The whole time we ate, he asked me a lot of serious questions for a first date. For example, he wanted to know if I saw myself living in the state for a really long time because he was not moving any time soon. Right after I answered that I didn’t really know he looked at me and said, “Well, we could always travel a lot.” I was a bit freaked out so I decided to go outside for a smoke to try to think of how to get out of the situation. He followed me out and explained that I should probably quit the habit since it’s been proven to make it harder for women to get pregnant. I smoked another one out of spite.

He brought me a bottle of wine, as I was about to try to get out of this situation and begged me to watch a movie with him while he let his stomach settle. Being the nice person I am I accepted. About five minutes into the previews the sickness came back. He left for 20 minutes and came back with a handful of antacids. Then he proceeded to lay his head on my lap, sleeping through the movie as I drank the bottle myself. When the movie was over he was super upset that he missed it and that I already wanted to smoke again. When I went back in from smoking and cursing the bus system, he had passed out hard. I had no choice but to sleep on the very uncomfortable leather couch.

It was one of the most awkward mornings ever and I still see him almost every day.

Last summer, my friend T asked me out on a date. We had slept together six months previously, and though it had been awkward I wanted to give him another chance. He asked me to meet him at the metro station near my house, saying he had “the whole date planned out,” but refusing to tell me what it was. I showed up in jeans, a tank top, and my new flower-print heels.

I asked him what we were doing, and he said we were going to the movies. While we waited in line for the movie (the sixth Harry Potter, which he picked without asking my opinion), he passed time by insulting my shoes, my hair, and my outfit. By the time we entered the theater, I was offended but decided to try to relax and enjoy the movie. The theater was packed, we were surrounded on all sides by families, including many kids.

Everything was going fine, until about 30 minutes into the movie when he grabbed my hand very suddenly and nervously. I thought he was trying to hold hands, but instead he shoved my hand down his pants! I wasn’t sure if it was Ron and Hermione that did it or me, but he was already quite excited. I pulled my hand away quickly, and started laughing. He scooted away from me and glared, continuing to glare for the next 20 minutes.

Then, his cell phone rang. He ran out of the theater, and came back five minutes later saying that his mom had called and he needed to go home, but I was free to stay and enjoy the movie (which was in a dodgy part of town and wouldn’t end until late at night). I said that I’d leave with him instead.

He refused to take the train back into the center of town, instead saying we’d split a cab and I’d get out first at my apartment. As we neared my place, he confessed that he had no cash and I’d have to pay for the whole taxi (including the 30 minute ride from my place to his). I threw some cash at him, disgusted, and went home. Awful!

I met M through a dating service. His description: tall, brown hair, loved the outdoors, enjoyed wine festivals, art, football and basketball, and enjoyed exercising. The person that walked through the door on the day of our did not match that description. He was tall but was completely bald and although he may have worked out in the past, it had to be at least five years prior. But I thought maybe he was a match personality-wise. Sadly, no. His version of loving the outdoors was four-wheeling and his hobbies included collecting and shooting machine guns.

He also lived with his parents. There’s nothing wrong with living with your parents when you’re growing up or even for a few years in your twenties. My experience has led me to believe that guys who live with their parents tend to expect the women in their lives to take over the role of mommy. Maybe there are ladies who dream of washing his clothing, making all their meals, and generally catering to his every desire but I am not one of them. The last straw for me was sadly none of these things. I have a dog I adore. I previously thought most guys would dig a chick with a dog, but this was not the case with M.

After he revealed that his careers included bail bondsman and proprietor of a liquor store, and talked in detail about his personal weapon arsenal, I told him I really had to get going as I had to go feed my dog. His response was that I should think about euthanizing my dog so that I could go out more. I sat there stunned until he chuckled and said it was just a joke and that I really needed to lighten up. I began to question the wisdom of ever dating another man again.

I was set up with “John,” a hockey teammate of a friend. All my pal knew was that John was cute and single. What he didn’t know was that John had an obsession with his dog. The first time I went over to John’s the dog ran up and peed on my sandaled feet. Trying to play it cool (and not punt the cocker spaniel across the room) I just said “oopsies” and grabbed a paper towel. I had no idea the dog was sending the message that I was on her turf. I went out with John a couple of times. One night, I arrived at John’s place after work, starving and ready for a relaxing evening. We turned on the TV and basically tucked the dog in for the evening before leaving. As we sat down to dinner he told me he ate a late lunch so he wasn’t going to eat, but I could get something. Awesome! I love being the only person at the table eating. He did offer to take me to the store so I could buy cereal or something. Tempting but I decided to eat there.

After picking at my appetizer and suffering through stimulating conversation including how he would make a great husband because he just likes to stay home and smoke pot or how he has to check with his mom before deciding weekend plans, I for some reason asked what adventure was next for the evening. He said he wanted to take me to a movie, but wasn’t sure if he could leave his baby home alone that long. Trying to be sensitive and not say, “IT’S A DOG – IT WILL BE FINE!!!” I suggested we watch a movie at his place. While watching the movie, the dog wedged itself between us on the couch but we somehow ended up making out and decided to move it to the other room. As I entered the bedroom, I turned around and John was completely naked holding a condom. I was completely clothed and frankly, stunned he could move that fast. Luckily, one of my greatest strengths seems to be killing the mood so after I told him we were not “there yet” we ended up just lying on the bed watching TV, me fully clothed, him totally naked. Enter the dog.

The dog jumped up on the bed and started licking John’s junk! The dog went straight for it and John did not move – like that was the most normal thing in the world. I sat there in disbelief and nothing changed until I screamed. His response was “oh yeah” as he scooted the dog away. I decided it was time for me to leave – forever. I got up and hit the road and the last thing I heard from him was “Don’t I get a hug?”

MVWD happened in my freshman year of college. I met guy who lived on my dorm floor who seemed very awkward, but nice. When I saw him playing guitar I talked to him about music for the whole night. I enjoyed myself, so when he asked me out to “dinner sometime” I accepted. Turns out by “sometime” he meant the next day. After being annoyed that I was not ready as soon as he rudely opened my door, we took off for our date.

We took a bus and we got off at Red Robin. I am not particularly fond of Red Robin, but I was hungry and eager to eat. However, my date wanted to go to the mall first to pick up a couple things. He spent an hour in Bed, Bath, and Beyond and did not purchase a single item. Just as I thought we could leave he told me that he needed to pick up a job application as well. We then picked up an application at every store in the mall. By now, it is almost nine at night.

We walked over to Red Robin and were shown a seat for two immediately. One half of the table was booth seating, which I chose because I’m shorter than he is and would have an easier time getting in and out. He then slid in right next to me and smiled and stared at my horrified face. The waitress gave me looks of pity the entire time. The staff tried to give me the best service possible, but my date was being very difficult. The food was sent back five times and he refused to pay for his soda because he didn’t think it was diet (he drank it all anyway). The date ended and we took the bus back to our dorm. At the door to my room he asked for another date and I said no. I thought he would just walk away but refused to leave until this was “straightened out”.

After half an hour of him going on and on about why I should go on another date with him, I realized he would not go away unless I said yes. Two days later, he came into my room reminding me that we still have another date. He smiled at me and took my hand and said he loved me. I did not go on any other date with him, but somehow he still thought we were a couple. Two months later he finally got it into his head that we were not dating. It was the longest two months of my life!

MVWD happened on a day that wasn’t going well anyway. I had plans to go to a big concert, but inadvertently insulted my friend who I was going to ride with to the gig. Not wanting to go alone, I texted J, a guy I had recently met online. We connected a month or so earlier on a networking site and chatted online, through text and with the occasional phone call.

From his profile, J looked cute and kind of alternative. He also worked in a record store, a real one that actual sold vinyl in addition to CDs, and had similar taste in music. I decided my night was ruined anyway, so it wouldn’t hurt to break my rule of not meeting people from the web unless I was with friends.

He called me back shortly after the text and wanted to meet up. He didn’t have a car, so I’d need to pick him up at work and we could head out to eat and maybe have drinks after.

I drove about 45 minutes and was shocked when I saw him inside the store closing up. I realized all of his photos online were either mid-torso and up, or taken at crazy angles. J was, and still is, the only guy I’ve ever seen who was literally pear-shaped. He came out and we drove across the parking lot to IHOP, since that’s where his friends hung out.

After chatting for all of five minutes, a girl came over and started talking to him. After a few minutes, he introduced her and she sat down next to him. They proceeded to spend the entire meal talking to each other about mutual friends (who I obviously didn’t know). Every time I tried to join the conversation, they would both give me strange looks, mostly ignore me, and go back to their conversation.

This lasted until we finished our food and he asked if I wanted to go see a local band he knew play. I told him I was feeling suddenly tired and asked if we could see them another night. When I was about halfway home, he texted me and apologized that he didn’t want to see me again. He said I was attractive, but “just too boring” for his lifestyle

A few months after a major breakup, a friend of mine said she had the perfect guy for me. I’m a computer programmer, so I’m kind of a techie and I play video games. This guy also loved video games, was into computers, and was super nice, according to my friend. I said okay (reluctantly) and agreed to a blind date.

My friend and I decided to see a movie and follow up with dinner. I met her, her boyfriend, and the mystery man at the theater. He walks in wearing a dirty t-shirt, old worn-out Nike’s, and baggy, holey jeans. We’re talking holes from middle school and not the “fashion” kind you see at the stores in the mall. I was shocked. I was appalled. If my friend wasn’t there, I would’ve ran. I decided to suck it up and go along with it. When we went to buy our tickets, he didn’t even pay for me, and griped about how $7.50 to see a movie was “too expensive” and couldn’t understand why people “supported this kind of institution.” Luckily for him, this was a movie I’d been dying to see…

We went into the theater and got our seats. The first preview came on. At this point, he turned to my friend and asked, “Where are the restrooms?” Then he left. And so, the second preview comes then the third and the fourth. He still was not back. The movie was halfway done before I finally moved over to sit by my friend. I asked where he went, and she said, “I have no idea! I’m so sorry!”

Later, she called me and told me he had to go home “and mow his grass.” After he paid $7.50 to see one preview? Go figure. I should have run at the introductions!

After breaking up with an ass of an ex, my best friend persuaded me to give Match.com a try as she’d had success on it and thought I would too. I met a few really nice people off the site and managed to filter most of the booty call-type messages, but it seems one slipped through the net. His photo was good, his profile was well written and although I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to go out with someone who was separated with three kids, I thought it wouldn’t be fair to be picky and he may just be right for me. We messaged a couple of times over the site and as I favour meeting up for a drink rather than spending months chatting online only to be disappointed scenario, we swapped numbers and arranged an after work drink and meal in town.

He rolled up late, which was fine as I knew he had a 30 minute journey in rush hour, so I’d bought a book loosely relative to the degree I am studying (criminology). He ordered a coffee, asked me if I was okay with him smoking (I smoke too, but usually make a rule of not smoking on a date) and lit up. He noticed the book I was reading and asked the normal, utterly unfunny questions about whether I was studying to be a criminal, etc. After about 40 minutes, with his coffee gone and my wine pretty much on the dredges, he asked me what I was up to that evening. I said that I thought we had arranged to have dinner, to which he remarked that he’d spent most his money today buying an XBox. He said he wasn’t really hungry but could we go back to mine?

I have a general rule that I never ever get into a car with someone on the first date, much less show them where I live, so I declined. He then spent 10 minutes assuring me he wasn’t a murderer like I read in my books, that he just wanted to drop me home. I still declined. Then he came out with an utter bombshell:

“I was hoping to get a blow job and stick my cock up your arse,” he said.

WTF? He started nervously laughing and I laughed so hard I nearly cried. When he realised I wasn’t laughing with him, but at him, he stood up to pay the drinks bill. Me, being polite, felt it was only fair to “thank” him for the date and drink so I waited for him. Five minutes turned into 10, and then into 15, and I figured he’d made a run for it, so I collected my stuff ready to leave when he appeared at the doorway. He said he’d paid for the drinks and asked me once more if I’d like a lift home.

I discovered why he had been gone so long.

“I just had a wank in the toilets, thinking about your tits,” he explained.

I thanked him, then laughed the entire way home. He rang me a few times, and texted me once to ask, “Was I a bit full on?” I never gave him the grace of replying – I’ll let him mull that one over.