I had been dating a guy for maybe a couple of months when we went on this date. We were still very young. One evening he called me up asking me if I knew his two friends. One I will name Matt, the other Sue. I happened to know Matt. He often made fun of me when we attended the same school. I told my boyfriend so and said I did not like him. Just so happens I was on speaker phone and Matt and Sue were there! Great. After that awkwardness, my boyfriend told me the three of them were going to see a movie, and asked if I wanted to go along with them. I agreed – I wanted very much to see him, since I didn’t get to very often.

So they rolled up to my house eventually and I got in the car. Someone’s parents were driving (as I said, fairly young still). I was surrounded by a bunch of people I didn’t really know and not exactly feeling confident about it. As we rolled along to the mall for the movie, a small child popped up out of the seat behind my boyfriend and I, trying to frighten me. Apparently, they were a younger sister of Matt or Sue. Everyone laughed and stared at me with smiles on their faces like it was supposed to be funny or something. I was less than amused since I was already feeling out of place. That didn’t help.

Then we reached the movie theater and got in line to buy tickets…at least, I did. My boyfriend informed me that he didn’t have money to pay for the movie, but they had connections so he was going to get in anyway. After some shady dealing at a water fountain and “secretive” hand brushing with their “connection,” we got into the movie without a problem. Well, without being caught anyway.

We were then sitting in the theater, watching the movie. The boyfriend decided it was time to kiss, and apparently pretty aggressively because I was being sunk into my seat in an awkward position. His friends moved a couple of seats away. Awkward. And on top of that, my boyfriend was hardly able to keep his eyes open because he was so tired.

It was all dreadfully awkward and even if I didn’t see how terrible it was when it was happening, I definitely see it now.

I had a couple more pretty bad dates with the kid, but eventually we broke up and I met an amazing boy that has been in my possession for a good couple of years.

During my junior year of high school, I agreed to be my best friend’s wingwoman to another high school’s homecoming dance. Her almost-boyfriend had a cute friend who was going to be my date, so it seemed like it would be a great night.

But, of course, it was not meant to be a great night. The cute friend bailed three hours before the dance, and the only other friend Almost-Boyfriend could get to come on such short notice was J.

Now, I didn’t mind that J was scrawny and looked like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite except with Uncle Rico’s curl-under hair. I didn’t mind that he was a foot shorter than me (I kid you not). I was even willing to ignore his obvious shyness as we drove to dinner (at a Mexican place where I had contracted mononucleosis two months before).

J wasn’t eating his salad, and I tried to make conversation by asking him if was feeling all right. His answer (while staring down at the table): “I have food allergies… Do you have food allergies?”

I have no food allergies. We didn’t talk for the rest of dinner.

At the dance, I managed to avoid dancing with him, for the most part. But in the spirit of trying to get my best friend and Almost-Boyfriend together, I condescended to go for one slow dance with J. To him, this apparently meant taking my hands in his and swinging our arms in giant erratic circles, hitting other couples mercilessly in the process.

He asked me to be his girlfriend at the end of the night.

I’m still trying to figure out what planet he was from.

My sophomore year in high school, I got up the courage to ask a cute junior to the winter ball. He grudgingly accepted and informed that he would go with me – but first he had to cancel on another girl.

That should have been my first clue it wouldn’t go well.

First, at dinner, he asked me to order the soup – and when the girl he canceled on showed up, he told me not to talk.

Then at the dance (which I paid for), he took off with his friends and I didn’t see him for hours. A friend’s date took pity on me and danced with me for a while. Later my date showed back up; when I asked him if we could get pictures or at least dance, he replied, “I don’t want you getting the wrong idea; I’m not your boyfriend.”

For some reason when the night ended, though, he decided that he liked me plenty – and tried to feel me up in the parking lot. He then asked me to perform a certain favor. When I refused, he drove me home and bought me a Dr. Pepper. He left me with a sloppy goodnight kiss.

Months later, he came up to apologize to me. Not for ditching me all night, but for trying to get some action. Apparently he had found Jesus.

I was 15, going on a date with a guy, Eduardo, that my best guy friend was friends with. My bestie, Bernard, and my sister were semi-dating at the time, and we all decided to go to the local carnival.

(Eduardo and Bernard went to a different school than my sister and I did.  Therefore, I was unaware that Eduardo had recently broken it off with another girl in the week before asking me out.)

It was hot, the carnival was set up on either side of a long road, and the rides were spaced out.  My sister and I were waiting for the guys to get there, when she nodded towards some girls walking by.  The girl in the lead was bull-dog ugly, and scrawny, and dressed like a boy.  She had even painted a moustache on her face.  We giggled to each other, but didnt think anything of it.

Eduardo and Bernard got there, and we got the date under way.  As we walked through the carnival, Eduardo took my hand. I really liked him so I blushed and led him to the Haunted House ride, and we did a little kissing in the dark.

When we exited, Bernard and my sister were glaring at each other. Eduardo and Bernard walked away, on the premise to buy some drinks for all of us, and my sister said that I need to be careful of Eduardo.  When I asked why, she said that Bernard just saw the best friend of the girl Eduardo dumped, and that he knew Eduardo had been talking to said ex earlier that day. Bernard and my sister agreed that Eduardo probably wasnt over that other girl yet, and that she was probably there at the carnival somewhere.

Bernard and Eduardo come back, and nothing was said (I was 15, naive, and this was the first date I had ever been on.)  We continued with the rides, even having a good time snuggling on the Ferris Wheel.

Then came the Tilt-A-Whirl.  It was my favorite ride – I was really excited to go.  I practically dragged everyone there and we waited in line. E said that he had to use the bathroom and would be back in a moment. My sister made Bernard follow him, to make sure he wasnt seeing this other girl.  Guess what? That girl, with the painted on moustache?  THAT WAS THE OTHER GIRL!  Eduardo told her to come in a disguise, so that Bernard wouldnt recognize her, and she chose to paint on facial hair and dress like a boy.  WTF!!

So, Bernard watched them kiss, and didnt say anything to Eduardo when he got back.  I took one look at Eduardo and started freaking out. My sister had a horrified look on her face and Bernard just burst out laughing.  Eduardo had black paint all over his face and lips.  I got really pissed and the three of us left Eduardo alone at the carnival.  I was so angry that I didnt look where I was going, and actually ran into the other girl.

When I saw her, I started yelling that he was using both of us. She started bawling, and her friends had to pick her up off the ground as she fell over.  As they got her up, she started screaming about how he used her as a towel after he masturbated, and that they were supposed to be having sex that night and now she would never lose her virginity. This was in front of everyone, including the police who rode bikes to keep an eye on things. It was so messed up.

She ended up being in some of my classes later in high school, and went to the same small college my current boyfriend attended. He said she was a lesbian, and that she actually wore fake beards and moustaches all the time.

And Eduardo? Eduardo managed to impregnate two sisters (one was 17, the other 15) when he  was a senior in high school.  He works for the carnival when it comes through town, as one of the games people.  Totally dodged a bullet, I do believe.

When I was 17, I met this guy while working on a theatre production. He was 22, attractive, funny, charming, and flirted with me at every opportunity. However, I found out he had a long-term girlfriend. We stayed friends, and proceeded to talk over Myspace for a few months. After a while, it drifted off. About a year later, shortly after I turned 18, I got another message from him. We made plans to go out for lunch.

He picked me up from my house and we headed to a Thai restaurant. I looked at the menu, and said “I think I’ll just get ***”. He responded with, “No, I’ll order,” and proceeded to disregard my choice altogether. After we ate, we were walking back to his car when he decided to go into a Chili’s to pee (even though we had just left the restaurant). We then went to a local park, where he pulled out a guitar and played songs he wrote (poorly written and filled with swear words—which I wouldn’t have minded if the park hadn’t been filled with small children and parents). I was bored and uninterested, so I cleaned out my purse while he played. Then I mentioned I had to get home.

He drove me home and mentioned he had fun, hinting we should do it again. I laughed politely and said goodbye. He called later that week; I ignored the call and deleted his voicemail.

Two years later, I signed onto Myspace (after a long hiatus) and noticed a message from him asking to hang out since he was around for the holidays. I did not respond.

MVWD happened my senior year of high school. I never had a serious boyfriend in high school, and typically would max out my relationships before three months. So when the varsity quarterback asked me if I wanted to go see a movie on a Friday night, I thought, “What the heck? Why not?”

He picked me up on time and we made pleasant small talk on the way to the theater. When we got there, all the movies were sold out except for the most recent remake of “Planet of the Apes.” On opening weekend. It was super packed and neither of us really wanted to see the movie, but we went and watched it anyway. Once the theater got dark, there was some awkward leaning towards me, which I ignored – hoping to send the message that I wasn’t super thrilled with the date but wanted to just be friendly. Almost 3/4 of the way through the movie, he leaned over to make plans for after the movie.

“You know…varsity quarterback…varsity cheerleader…I think this is going great,” Mr. Jock(strap) whispered. (Seriously….he really said that).

“Mmm hmm.” I responded.

“We could go drive around and hang out after. The bed of my truck is really roomy.”

“Oh…oh yeah?” I responded, which essentially shut that one down.

We ended up going to a mutual friend’s house after the movie (at my suggestion…anything to be around other people and out of the proximity to his roomy truck bed…gross). The mutual friend was recovering from having his wisdom teeth removed and was slobbering and barely coherent, but it was tons better than being alone with Mr. Jock(strap).

Finally, I figured I had put in enough face time to not seem rude…after all, he had picked me up and paid for our tickets and sodas at the movies. Mr. Jock(strap) drove me home and walked me up to my front door. I cringed in advance. He leaned in for the good night kiss and I turned my head deftly at the last second, letting him give me a kiss on the cheek.

“Awww…for real? You’re going to just turn and give me the cheek? DAMN!” he said, shaking his head.

I went inside and hoped to act like the whole awkward night never happened. Unfortunately, he decided to bring it up in front of a crowd the next Monday at school that I “wouldn’t even give him a goodnight kiss.”

I saw him a few years later after we were both in college and he STILL brought it up. Let it go, dude!

I’m only 17, but I hope I never meet another guy like Zach again. We were in the same class last year and he seemed like a really nice guy, so we started flirting. We went out one night and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, but then started to regret my decision as soon as I went over to his house a few days later. His room and his bathroom were the only rooms on the top floor of his three-story house. He had cat poo covering his hallway carpet and the smell was disgusting. I literally had to walk on my toes in order to avoid stepping in it.

We went into his extremely messy room and he asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I agreed, although I would have preferred we actually do something. It wasn’t even ten minutes into the movie when he turned to me and tried to shove his tongue down my throat while also trying to put his hand down the front of my shirt. I pushed him away and glared at him. He pouted at me, but didn’t say anything, so we just continued watching the movie.

Since it was incredibly awkward, I asked if I could use his bathroom. As soon as I stepped into the room, I started gagging. It was so disgusting: his shower looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in the entire time he had lived there and he had dirty laundry everywhere. I highly doubt he ever cleaned his bathroom. I quickly did my business, careful not to fully sit on the toilet seat, since there was a mysterious stain on it (I don’t even want to know what it was). I went to wash my hands, but discovered his sink full of dirt and hair. Cringing, I tried to run the water, only to discover it didn’t work.

I walked back into Zach’s room and told him his sink wasn’t working, thinking maybe it was just fussy and he knew how to fix it, since my uncle’s was the same. He told me it never worked. Confused, I asked him how he washed his hands. He just shrugged with a stupid look on his face. I’m sure my face reflected my disgust when I realized he never washed his hands.

Stupidly, I went back over to his bed and sat down beside him, with more space between us than before I went to the washroom. We sat awkwardly (at least on my part) for the next twenty or so minutes, watching the movie.

Then, his cousin came into his room. I’d never met the kid before, but Zach had mentioned he was 15 and living with them for awhile. He automatically checked me out and smirked at me. Without even saying hello to me, he turned to Zach and said, “Dude, you were right, she does have nice tits!” I was pretty offended, what with everything else that happened and the smell of the cat poo starting to get to me. I told Zach I would see him at school and left. He ran after me, trying to get me to stay, but I just ignored him and kept walking.

The next day, I told him I didn’t think it would be a great idea to be dating anymore.

He still tries to hug me when I see him in the hall, but I mostly just ignore him. My best friend, who is in one of his classes this semester, told me he’s stopped showering. I can clearly see him as a future creep, like the ones in the rest of these stories, and I feel really bad for him.

I was living in France, since my father was a liason for the United States Army. I was home-schooled but knew the kids who lived on my street. Anyways, it was my 15th birthday and my parents let me have a little party with my friends. I didn’t really know any guys so my friend K, who lived a few houses down, told me she’d invite some guys she knew from school.

The birthday party turned out kinda sucky… some of the guys sprayed cola all over the floor and I got in trouble for it, since I didn’t keep them under control. But there was one guy, S, who I kinda liked; he slow danced with me and kept me company throughout the party.  I told K that I thought he was cute, and she told me he liked me.

So, the next day she arranged for us to go to the park. I was ecstatic and we all lay down on the grass and talked. She suddenly got up and walked away. I was about to ask S where K was going, when he leaned in and kissed me. This was my FIRST kiss, mind you, and I still knew it was bad! I felt his teeth on my cheeks! And his saliva was all over my mouth.  But, me being the naive little girl, I thought maybe that was how it was supposed to be.  I just kept thinking “Oh my gosh! My first kiss!”

He then asked me if I’d like to go to the lake with him the next day. Of course, I said “Yes” and couldn’t believe I would be having my first real date.

It started off fine. We met up at K’s house, and I realized it was a group of us going. I wasn’t disappointed since I was nervous to be alone with him (still wasn’t used to kissing).

We got a ride from S’s mom and when we got to the beach, he wanted to kiss me by the trees. We kissed and then he started to get a little too into it. I told him I wasn’t comfortable and went back to the group. After that, he ignored me the entire day. I asked K what was up and she said she’d find out. She came back and told me he wanted to break up with me because I “wasn’t moving fast enough” for him! And after only two days of “going out.”  I know I was a late bloomer but come on!

Before I moved back to the United States I found out that K, who had just turned 14, was moving plenty fast enough for him AND his friend (i.e. hand-jobs).

My Very Worst Date was when I was sweet, naive 16. I had met what seemed like a cute and charming 19-year-old guy online on a comic book forum and, after talking for a few months, discovered that we lived near each other (about a 25 minute drive). We decided to meet and see a movie, then go out for ice cream.

First, he showed up over 45 minutes late, which meant I had nearly given up on him even coming. We had missed the showing of the movie we meant to catch, which wasn’t such a big deal. What was a big deal was what I saw when I opened the door…and discovered the pictures he’d sent me were entirely misleading. As in, they were taken 75 pounds and a faceful of acne ago. (He was also two years older than he told me he was, which I didn’t find out until much later).

I’m not completely shallow and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I bought his shady excuse for being so late and we left. We drove another 30 minutes in the opposite direction from his town and decided to have coffee while we waited for the next showing of the movie. He proceeded to buy five shots of espresso. Then he drank them all and grimaced in between each one like he was doing shots of tequila. I bought my own small frappucino and sat there awkwardly sipping it while he yammered on about how he has insomnia and didn’t get any sleep at all the night before, so he needed the espresso to stay awake. He also admitted that the reason why he was so late was because he had stopped at his friend’s house to buy some weed and had stayed to smoke a joint with him. At that point I was guessing the charming guy I had talked to online had actually been devoured by this boring behemoth.

After what felt like hours we finally went to the theater. I paid for my own ticket and refreshments; he bought a box of candy he claimed was for us to share but he literally upended the entire box into his mouth during the first preview. The movie was good; his behavior was not. His left arm immediately took up residence around my shoulders. I am a very petite girl and his arm was very large and heavy, so I was terribly uncomfortable the whole time. He tried to kiss me several times, but his breath reeked of espresso and what smelled like Doritos. He settled with nuzzling his face in my neck and hair and telling me I smelled “delicious.” I finally excused myself to the bathroom, where I called my best friend and told her if I didn’t text her that I was home within the hour to please call me and make up an emergency so I could leave. When I came back from the ladies’ room I sat as far away from him as possible while still being in the next seat, so he grabbed my right hand with his sweaty paw and clung to it until the credits ended and I insisted he take me home.

When we got in the car, the first thing he said was “So you want to make out and smoke a little weed before I take you home?” I politely declined and told him I had to get home, and he started the car. It promptly died. He tried several more times to start it before cursing, getting out of the car, and kicking it repeatedly. He then popped the hood and tinkered around a bit before getting back in. It started, and we made it around the corner before it died again.

He called a tow truck, then actually asked me to get out and help him push. Oh I got out all right… and called my dad to come get me. After all that I still didn’t want to leave the guy there alone to wait for a tow truck in a strange town with a dead car, so I agreed to sit in the car with him until my dad came. Mistake. The first thing he did was throw his arm back over my shoulders and pull me in, so my face ended up frighteningly close to his armpit. He then droned on about some inane thing or other while I simultaneously tried not to suffocate and keep him from trying to suck my face again. When my dad finally showed up I didn’t even say goodbye; I just grabbed my purse and fled to my dad’s truck as fast as my legs could carry me.

He called and emailed me for weeks after that, apologizing for his crappy car and saying that he had had a great time and telling me how “delicious” I was. Finally I gave up on being polite to the guy and told him that my dad and four brothers were going to kick the shit out of him if he ever came near my house again. To this day the word “delicious” still makes me feel a little nauseous.

Back in high school, I used to work at a resort. Because I worked in the cafe where we served the meals for the other staff members, I got to know everyone pretty well. One of the guys who worked there, we’ll call him A, really liked leaning on the counter while I was working to talk to me. Despite the fact that he was ten years older than me and kind of weird, I humored him. I assumed he just liked having someone to talk to about comic books and action movies.

One day, I mentioned off-hand that I wanted to see the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, which had just come out. He gushed about how much he’d loved it, so I sighed, and said that I should try to get some friends together to go see it. A’s eyes lit right up, and he said, “I’ll arrange it!” Within a few hours, he had provided me with a list of people who wanted to see the movie. Since he had a car, he’d gladly drive us all into town to go see it. A little reluctant, because A was kind of odd, I agreed nonetheless. I was a really big Orlando Bloom fan in high school!

So the next day, I went to meet at the appointed time, and it was… just me and A. “Where’s everyone else?” I asked.

“They couldn’t come,” he said. “Let’s go.”

Well…against my better judgment, I went. We got to the theatre, and I was still thinking, “Well, this was a group of friends going out to a movie, and the group couldn’t come.”

…and then he paid for my movie ticket. Alarm bells started going off in my head. And then he paid for popcorn despite me telling him I wasn’t hungry. I was starting to freak out. And THEN he tried to hold my hand.

…I was on a date with a freak. A date that I did NOT want to go on.

Needless to say, I didn’t let him hold my hand. But after the movie, he decided to take me on a three hour tour of the back roads of the area, to show me his favourite swimming hole, his elementary school, etc. When he started talking about going to his house, to introduce me to his mother, I squawked something about having to work in the morning, and he reluctantly drove me back to the resort.

I avoided him for the rest of the summer!